Posts Tagged ‘sex’

Katy Perrry appears topless on UK Esquire cover.

Here in the fantasy-driven offices of The Curmudgeon, we are rather fond of the old, 1550’s era pinups. Those American icons of home-grown beauty that made our boys shoot down some Nazi aircraft and come on home for their own apple pie, corn-fed gal. Sure, there were your lascivious gals meant for flash lights and hiding spaces, but I refer to the ones that adorned boys’ bedrooms, gas stations, and soldiers lockers everywhere. Who can forget Betty Grable showing her shapely bum (clothed) and inviting, joyful smile, even men such as me who weren’t around then, nor yet even a gleam in our Papa’s eye.

Of course this was before we discovered that foreign accents make us crazy, or an exotic, over-seas look speak not only of the mysteries of lands far away, but the mysteries of the Female. And there’s another reason, and I could tell you why that is, but this is not the time. No, this was when we were innocent and un-jaded, the very paragons of middle-class morality and sensibility.

Taking her cue from those more innocent and mildly provocative styles, Katy Perry, that Santa Barbara girl born into a show business family, has adopted the pin up look. Slightly more sexually tempting when you consider her hit song, “I Kissed a Girl,” and she liked it…and I did too, if only I had been there to see it. Especially consider her nearly nude cover photo in the upcoming European issue of Esquire. (And why the heck isn’t it Americas cover too? Because we have all the morally uptight, self-righteous jerks running around complaining about sex and selling war, the hypocritical sons of…um…their mamma’s who probably did it in the back of a model T!)  And shes looking pretty damn hot on this months cover of Rolling Stone too (see below.)  It’s all pure show business, of course, manipulation of boys and men, but she has her share of girl fans too…and a few enemies. Jealousy, no doubt.

Consider Beth Ditto (no, I hadn’t heard of her either till she dished my Katy), that human cow who said, “I hate Kate Perry!” And why did this horror, this sirenian example of a female hate Kate? For singing, “I Kissed a Girl,” who isn’t even a lesbian, which Ditto is, or a dyke actually, or a Bull Dyke to be more accurate. She has to be since no man will touch her. Now I don’t want to offend my lesbian friends, of which I have many, but they are lesbians for the right reasons and they’re not ugly people (I mean on the inside. That kind of ugly. Their looks are unimportant, unless they’re hot, at which time I fall for them in a big way, only to have my hetero heart broken into a million pieces.) I wrote a scathing piece at the time called, “Kate Perry dissed by Beth Ditto: Kate’s a Fake Lesbo!”

Betty Grable

But Kate has figured out an angle for her success, and there is no star who doesn’t manipulate us in some way (or their publicists, agents or somebody does.) So I don’t mind.

Farrah Fawcett

Katy is pretty, sure, but it’s really the gimmick that grabs us. The flashback to those innocent times…and the promise of naughty times to come. And of course those imminently singable songs on fantasies Raquel Welchthat we dream about.

Will she ever rise to the level of Betty Grable ?  Or Farah Fawcette whose feathered hair were entwined in many a boy’s imaginary fingers, or Raquel Welch whose….well, you don’t need to know what MY fantasies were about as I stared entranced at the poster of her from 10,000 Years B.C.  I really don’t know.  We’re not the same place.  There’s far more revealing and provocative stuff to see, but bless her heart, Katy harkens back to those times when things seemed easier, more basic, and a simple picture of a beautiful woman was enough to drive our fantasies and turn us into men… or women.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I give you….Kate Perry!  Americas new Pin-Up Girl!

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"Vampire Girl" by lovelessbloodyrose

Here in the sensible offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we do not engage in dangerous activities, so far as I know.  We have heard of a recent fad by teenagers that has, frankly, troubled us.  Teenagers will invent fads, things their parents never thought of.  They will push the envelope, and are, to their own minds, indestructible.  So it was for me and it was for you too, so let us not preach to the teenagers today, but try instead to understand their warped little mind.

That being said, sometimes our knowledge and experience is often actually valuable, but the difficulty lies in convincing teenagers of this fact, which doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.  We should, but tread gently.  The disturbing phenomenon I speak of is the new affectation adopted by teenagers of biting and bloodsucking to demonstrate love.  Most teenage behavior is influenced  by movies, television, music, and pop culture.  So it is with biting.  The vampire craze is responsible.  In our day, the preferred method was the hickey, which was the sucking on skin until a red welt was left marking the spot, and the person, the object of our love and desire, and in a very real way, designated our ownership of the person.

But hickeys weren’t dangerous, just annoying.  The swallowing and exchanging of blood is downright dangerous behavior.  It’s risky business.  This is making the swallower at high risk for Hepatitis, Syphilis, and God forbid, HIV.  Without preaching, are you prepared to die for this demonstration of love?  I’m sorry to tell you you aren’t invincible, as we weren’t before you, even though we too thought we were.  That is why we can’t preach at you.  We can’t tell you what to do, you’ll just do it anyway to spite us.  All we can do is try to make you understand what we have learned and hope it makes an impact on you.

Unfortunately, the dangers do not end there.  The mouth contains 10 to 15 billion bacteria. It is a very simple matter to infect the bitee with a general blood infection, for which the standard treatment is tetanus shots.

So teenagers, what are the pros and cons of biting?  Do you feel the cons outweigh the pros, or vice versa?  We can’t make up your mind for you, but hopefully you will consider all your options and make the best choice.  I am sorry to say, the right choice is it’s not worth the risk.  But only you can decide.  Think about it, please.

Very carefully.

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flasher senaleko flickr


Here in The Curmudgeon edifice, we are what you might call a “flashy” group, but we are not flashers, at least not that I know of.  That is to say nobody has been caught.  Of course I am not counting our yearly Mardi Gras celebration, where there is some flashing, but the wholesome, feminine kind.  Not so for an act perpetrated on a public New Zealand bus.

A man showed his New Zealand sausage roll to a female bus passenger, who did what any modern, intelligent, progressive woman would do.  She screamed.  She screamed bloody murder.  She wouldn’t stop screaming.  So what does a bus driver do with an hysterical screaming woman aboard?  In New Zealand, he alters his course and drives straight to the nearest police station.  Only by the time the driver gets there, he is nervous and panicky, so when he opens the bus door and gets up, he forgets to put the bus in neutral.  Well, the crazy lady is still screaming, so he can perhaps be excused this temporary lapse in caution.  The bus is not so forgiving however, and it lurches forward and crashes into the police station entrance.

The interesting thing is the flasher was just 14 years-old, so it probably wasn’t a sausage roll, or even a banger, but more like a little sweet gherkin.  The woman reacted absolutely wrong.  What she should have done—and I’m telling all females this–laugh your ass off.  Oh, yes.  Laugh, laugh, point at it, laugh.  Now I don’t know what kind of a reaction a flasher wants in a woman, but I think it’s probably along the lines of shock and awe.  I can guarantee he doesn’t want her to laugh.  No man wants that.  No man can stand that.  Indeed, that gherkin would have retracted back into his pants like a turtle’s head back into its shell.

Police charged the 14 year-old alleged flasher with pulling out an indecent act…er, I mean…carrying out an indecent act.

All this trouble because one stupid kid whipped out his alleged hot dog.

Wait. It wasn’t a hot dog.  It more like a Little Smokey.  Now that’s a scream.

(Some information for this story from The New Zealand Herald.)

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Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Here in the seasonal offices of The Curmudgeon, things are very scenic.  And I’m not just referring to being on Puget Sound (if that’s where we are…I forget,)  but to the indoor attractions as well.  Things bloom in spring and people dress for the weather, and as the heat goes up so do the skirts.  Even mannequins dress for the weather.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

That’s what happened when a female mannequin was placed outside of a Barbecue establishment in Ohio.  As reported by David Goguen of the Cincinnati Enquirer, the owner of the store placed the mannequin outside as a promotion and appropriately named her BarBe.  She was wearing just a bikini top and Daisy Dukes.  She is a rather attractive mannequin.

“Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” exclaimed the fine citizens.  She was way too

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

“naughty” for their tastes.  So they made a stink about it, but heck, the business at the restaurant is up 40 percent since BarBe started working there, drawing in the customers.  In an interview with the paper,  he “showed off the catalog he picked her out from, saying “She’s got big boobs. That’s why I bought her.”  Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

The locals don’t want the hussy hangin’ out on the street, so they’ll say anything as a reason to get rid of her.   She was declared as “signage” and required a special permit to strut her stuff.  One local told the Enquirer that the sign actually draws “people who are looking for sex.” Woah.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Really?  I wonder if she takes monopoly money?  I guess since there are no actual women available, a meat sandwich will work just fine.  You know…one or the other.

So the store owner put more clothes on BarBe and took her to the Design Review Board.  Barbie, they ruled, could stay – providing she puts her darn clothes on.  So she did.  No word on whether customer numbers or up or down now that BarBe isn’t showing off her unnatural charm and beauty, but I’ll bet the national publicity isn’t hurting.

The owner wasn’t happy with the decision, venting to the Enquirer that BarBe “should be allowed to wear what she wants.”

I think they should just leave BarBe alone.  She is kind of hawt.

I suddenly have a craving for some barbeque.

(Photo credit: All photos by Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer)

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Photo by mikebaird / flickr

Photo by mikebaird / flickr

Here in the oceanic eco-friendly but not all wet Curmudgeon offices – currently located in the Pacific Northwest with offices over-looking Puget Sound – we have seen our share of spectacular whale tails.  Both the beautiful Orca tail, rising above the water with a playful but dangerous slap back onto the water, but also the illusive land whale tail, that which belongs to human women.  Their tails involve a playful but dangerous slap too, but that’s another fish-out-of-water story.



For those of you who don’t know, we speak not of whale-sized women and their behinds, but rather when the back of a (hopefully) hawt young girl’s g-string or thong appears above the level of her low-rise jeans, much like the whale’s tail appearing above the water’s surface.  This look is said to have  been popularized by Christine Aguilera and Brittany Spears.  In fact, I could have easily included pictures of these two pop tarts, but there are, as they say, lots of whale tails in the sea.

Off the starboard bow!

Off the starboard bow!

I don’t know who first coined the term “whale tail,” but I wish it were me.  It’s clever and funny and, gosh darn it, that’s exactly what they look like.  I must confess that I like the look too.  The fashion.  The statement, which is something like, “wouldn’t you like to dive into this?”  Why…yes Ma’am.  Yes I would.  I kind of get the whole Prince Charles wants to be a tampon thing, too.  I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to find out.  I don’t know why we have certain bizarre fantasies.  I don’t mind looking for their deep-rooted, twisted reasons when it’s your crazy stuff we’re talking about, but when it’s mine…fugeddaboutit.

Moby Dick

Moby Dick

But back to whale tails.  We have this one young woman working here – Asfrid’s her name – who is like a Nordic goddess, all blond hair and creamy softness and steamier than an outdoor jacuzzi in a snow bank.  Asfrid has a whale tail almost every day and they make me want to be Jacques Cousteau.  In search of zee elusive whale tail. Give me a camera, boys…I’m going under. I think I’ll introduce the idea of casual Friday, only we’ll have whale tale Friday.  Or maybe not.  Some guy will complain and want to do plumber’s crack Friday, and that is the opposite of a whale tail.  Unless the girls want to do plumber’s crack Friday…okay, wait.  I’m getting confused.  So many options, so many tails.

No.  I guess I won’t mess with nature.  I reckon I’ll leave it to chance whether the whale tail appears or not, just like the Orca’s glorius, feisty tail.  Didn’t I say we were oceanic eco-friendly here at the Curmudgeon?

Save the Whale…Tail.

A double sighting

A double sighting

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glowsticks by frodobabbs on flickr.

Here in The Curmudgeon offices we are currently amused but skeptical.  Sometimes, in my never-ending quest searching for what is new, different, and hopefully perverted, I came across this entry in the Urban Dictionary:

Glomosexual:  a girl who uses glowsticks as a dildo.  “Alicia got off whenever she looked at a glowstick, because she was a glomosexual.”

I kid you not.  But is it real?  Or is somebody pulling our collective glowsticks?

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

Now, I like the Urban Dictionary, but it must be taken with a grain of salt and a dash of humor.  Like Wikipedia, it is written by common folk, and what you read there isn’t necessarily the truth.  That doesn’t mean that there isn’t lots of truth there, just that you have to decide what is real and what is a joke.  The Urban Dictionary can be very beneficial when you come across some slang you are unfamiliar with or one of those stupid LOL acronyms everyone uses now-a-days.

Just recently I looked up ROFLSCOMN, which translates to “rolling on floor laughing while spewing coke out my nose.”  Ok, it doesn’t.  I made that up, but I would appreciate if everyone started using it and let’s see if we can start a thing.

So let us examine this word,  glowmosexual.  We see under the definition that it was submitted by one Alicia Morgan.  So we click on her name and it takes us to her other entries.  They are:

Snowmosexual:  Somebody who has sex with snowmen:  “Alicia thrust the snowman’s icicle deep inside of herself in an act of snowmosexual intercourse.”

Debtorosexual:  Someone who gets off on forcing people that owe them money to do sexual favors for them.  “Alicia’s tenants owed her some back rent money, so she forced them to have debtorosexual group sex with her in order to pay it off.

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

I found no other places which described or even used the word glomosexual that weren’t directly related to the Urban Dictionary.  I think we can know assume it is not a real slang word, but one clearly coined by Ms. Morgan.

Does this anger me?  No.  It does not.  It doesn’t piss me off because it’s funny.  As for the possibility of using a glowstick for masturbation, so what?   They have dildo’s that glow in the dark already.  I have heard of women using a zucchini.  Whatever yens your yang is my motto.  I think Ms. Morgan (or whatever her real name is) would make a great date.  She is one funny chick.  We could discuss my new word:  Slowmosexual: One who records themselves having sex and then plays it back in slow motion, thereby making it appear as though they actually lasted more that 30 seconds.

If anyone knows Alicia Morgan have her give me a call.  Whatever yens your yang, baby!

(PHOTO CREDITS:  Top to bottom;  Glowsticks, FrodoBabs, flickr;  Glowsticks, strawberriecakes, flickr; Glowsticks, onesevenone, flickr.)

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Here in the Curmudgeon Offices, we are intelligent but not eggheaded.  That doesn’t mean we aren’t impressed by eggheads, whether hard-boiled, poached, scrambled, or fried.  And so it is that I admire the Nerd Girls.  Both the real ones and the representative ones –  like the one in the picture above – who is probably only dressed up like a nerd girl because it turns us on.  Us being men.  Wherever there is a major development  in women’s culture, particularly their style of dress or looks, you can bet the exploiters are not far behind.
But Nerd Girls are real.  No longer willing to become pseudo-men in order to compete in the traditionally male fields of science and technology, the new nerd girl not only wears her smarts proudly, but shouts from atop her neutron generator, “I am woman and I am sexy.”  That translates to “sexy woman” and that is A-OK with me.  Throw in a brain and it’s the delicious icing on a luxurious cake.

They also offer encouragement and support to girls throughout the world to study science and technology in school, since a gifted woman can be as good (or better) as anyone.  It doesn’t hurt their popularity that Nerd Girls have entered the mainstream culture.  Think Tina Fey.  And they are organized.  The organization Nerd Girls was founded in 2000 by a professor of electrical and computer engineering at Tufts University, Dr. Karen Panetta, who partnered with two female documentarians to expand the Nerd Girls media presence and global expansion.

In addition, their website is an international community supporting the Nerd Girls agenda with forums, mentorship, networking, and a host of other services to help the girls themselves or their parents, young professionals, and anyone else who wish to inspire their budding Nerd Girl.
Perhaps most refreshingly, they shunt aside any criticism that photos of the Nerd Girls looking attractive and, yes, even sexy in high heels and makeup undoes decades of feminism.  Aww, give me a break.  That kind of feminism went out a long time ago.  The Nerd Girls website concurs, “No. Just the opposite. The most damaging thing for women is to compartmentalize and limit themselves. We are by nature complex and, after decades of trying to be more “male,” the new generation of women is comfortable in embracing all aspects of who they are and celebrating it.  Just as feminists did in the 1960s, we feel it is healthy to explore new sociological models, debunk stereotypes and continue to expand our horizons as a society.”  You’ll even see the motto on tee shirts, “Talk Nerdy to me.”

I am asked if my interest in Nerd Girls is really an altruistic one, or is it simply because I am a pervert.  I can answer that with a most definite…yes and no.  Truth is, I consider it my job to keep abreast of new fads as they affect culture and/or the Internet.  I have found that if you find out what the girls are up to, you will also find out what the boys are up to, and this in turn can give you some insight into where we, as a society, are headed.  Plus, I am a pervert, and I enjoy looking at pictures of pretty girls in various stages of undress.  Of course, this is not really a perversion, but simply the common interest of a healthy male.

So are these pictures of real Nerd Girls?   Mmm…Probably not.  But the United States is far behind the Japanese in objectifying the sexy Nerd Girl image.  Consider anime.  Those cartoons are chock full of Nerd Girl imagery, and the Nerd Girl and Japanese sensibilities fit together like, well, like a man and woman fit together.  These girls just happen to be wearing glasses, and they are as sexy as all get out.  I don’t have a problem with that.  Do you?

So the next time you see an attractive female wearing spectacles,  remember she is not a 4 eyes.  She is 4 intelligence.  She is 4 sensuality.  She is 4 me.


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Georgia O'Keefe

Georgia O'Keefe

Here in the over-sexed but not wanton offices of the Curmudgeon, we are, all of us, open minded about such things as pornography when it’s by, of, and for adults. We have a “whatever floats your boat,” or “blows up your skirt,” outlook, believing that whatever adults choose to do in the privacy of their own homes is okey-doke with us.

That’s not to say we all sit around watching porn together, which would just be weird (but lots of fun.) I’m sure a couple of the gals down the hall have watched some sexy celluloid with their boyfriends or at pajama parties or wherever it is gals do these things. And then there’s that guy who comes into my office on his hands and knees, fiddles around under my desk, and then crawls back out again. He never touched me, I swear. I asked someone who he is once and was told he is the IT guy, just doing his job, making sure our computers and connections are all working properly. You know he watches porn, and probably has figured out a way to get on all the pay sites for free, which I think is a computer geek requirement.

And I wouldn’t be surprised if the French guy, Jacques (pronounced zhah-kweez) has actually performed admirably in a couple. Naturally, Suzie from Indiana is exempt, since in all her corn-fed, fresh-faced innocence, still thinks we come from storks.

Was It Good For Me?

No. This is for everybody else. Those who think porn is bad and dirty and sends you straight to hell (of course they have to watch it to know just how bad and dirty and damnable it is, but that’s beside the point.) Well I am here to tell them that not only is this not so, but that it is actually a good thing, and that a U.S. Government bailout of the Porn Industry would be a smart move, and in fact will stimulate and lift our economy, firm our resolve, stiffen our upper lip, lubricate commerce, satiate our hungry banking industry, and cause such an orgiastic release of our collective tensions that we’ll all be reaching for the metaphorical cigarette of peace and contentedness.

Seriously. Think about it. Studies have shown over and over (and again, and again, and again) that orgasm is an ultra-healthy release of harmful tensions and anxiety, good for the mind and the body, and what causes more tension than a depression? Unemployment, bankruptcies, heating expenses, food costs, medical care…awwww…it’s enough to make you dig up the old collection of 8mm stag movies that you haven’t seen since you got married.

What would happen without porn? Armageddon, my friend, Armageddon, that’s what. Unemployment, up! Layoffs, up! Crime, up! Murder, up! Spousal abuse, up! Rape, up! Up, up, up! Our minds turgid and roiling with pathology, ready to burst at the seams of an already severely worn fabric.

Yea, But Does It Swallow?

So don’t let the porn movie go the way of the dildo…er…Dodo. Don’t let the lifestyles of the porn stars go flat. Don’t let the producers want for hot-tub cleaning supplies (do you realize how many gooey scenes they shoot in those hot tubs?). What did the banking industry ever do for you besides charge you exhorbitant usury fees? What did the automobile industry ever do, other than charge you too much for their products which break down constantly and gulp expensive fuel?

Your DVD of Hairy Plotter and the Order of the Phallus never gave you an overdraft charge, and The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butt actually does run on electricity, so don’t tell me those industry’s are worthy of a government bail-out and porn is not. Your reasoning does not hold a big wad of truth.  Bailing out porn would be like Viagra for the economy.

You Put Your Tongue Where?

OK, this has all been tongue in cheeks, but it seems to me as though these companies are in trouble because they have conducted their businesses stupidly. The porn industry will survive in spite of the government as it has always done, as will the entertainment industry in general, since in a depression people seek the fantasy and relief that movies offer.

This, at least, is a fact: Susie really does think we come from storks, and for all I know she may be right.

Now, where did I hide those 8mm films?

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