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Posts Tagged ‘lawyers’

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Photo by Dave-F/flickr/Fair Use Rights/

Here in the natural habitat of The Curmudgeon, I guess we’re what you call animal lovers.  I’m personally not militant about it, but I think animals are cool and we should probably keep them around, and when I hear about “vanishing species” and animal abuse, it really gets my goat.  So I was tickled to hear that Switzerland is considering giving animals the right to legal representation.  This could really happen.  Orwell’s Animal Farm come to life: “Four legs good; two legs bad.”

You know what this means?  There’s gonna be more lawyers. Packs of them. Whenever there’s a new addition to the legal system, specialized lawyers spring up from nowhere and everywhere.  They’ll come out of the woodwork.  Entire litters of pre-law students will shift their classes to animal law.  You couldn’t make more lawyers if you started a vigorous repopulation program.  Have them mate in captivity then return them to the wild, just like they’re doing with the wood rat in Key Largo.

And it could spread around the world with an unstoppable momentum.  There will be animal lawyers everywhere and it will be fabulous.  Milk cows can sue for “cruel and unusual punishment,” and Pigs will give a teary, heartfelt speech from the witness stand, “He forces me to live in squalid conditions.  It’s like…a sty, you know?  Just mud.  And I’m supposed to wallow in it?  I don’t think so.

Oh, the possibilities are endless.  And eventually legal rights will be extended to lower species.  Before you know it rights will be extended to crustaceans…then to worms.  Yes, even two-headed hermaphroditic invertebrates will have a voice.  And what of plants?  Aren’t they living things?  Don’t they have feelings?  You bet they do.  And they feel it when we pull them out of the ground and eat them without mercy.  Free the turnips, I say!

Well, I for one hope this all comes to pass.  I think I might have a new career here.  I’ll get cases, even if I have to chase the city’s “dog catcher” trucks.  My phone number will be 1-800-274-8837.  That’s
1-800-CRITTER.  I’ll have a slogan in my advertising to attract new animal clients.  I’ve written the slogan already:

“Hoof & Mouth. Your Hoof, My Mouth.”

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