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Posts Tagged ‘crazy’

"Cat That Swallowed the Canary" by Jamelah on flickr

"Cat That Swallowed the Canary" by Jamelah on flickr

Here in the well-appointed but not posh Curmudgeon offices, lunchtime is approaching.  Usually, the staff fends for themselves, or we all order Chinese or Deli, or we have an ersatz business meeting at one of the local brew-pubs, with steaks, chops, burgers, oysters, salads, and cold, frosty artisan beers.  Not today though.  Maybe never again.  I’ve lost my appetite.  Maybe forever.

Hey.  It happens.  When your job involves reading news from around the world, you come across stories that disgust and repulse you, anger you, and sometimes make you lose you appetite.  The reason for my regressed hunger this morning is this story from the South African news service, IOL. The story is as follows:

Marian Milczarek, a 53 year old Polish man (where are the Polish jokes when you need them?) had a  big argument with his friend, Wojciech Sowinski, over a  car trailer he had asked to borrow.   Apparently it was a big argument because Sowinski knocked him to the floor of his garage and began hitting him with a chain.  According to Marian, Sowinski then “pulled down [my] trousers and started biting.  It was agony.”  I’ll bet.  There wasn’t even any foreplay.  If that’s how your friends do you then who needs crazed hookers…or Lorena Bobbit.

His wife found him on the floor of the garage, curled up in pain and called 911.  Oh…sorry…the emergency number in Poland is 345.7890578095408*69#  (Polish joke #1.)  Marian was rushed to the hospital sans penis and was treated.  But they couldn’t find the penis.  The police and medics searched for the detached penis.  They searched here, they searched there, they searched for penis everywhere.  But to no avail.  Why?  Because Sowinski had swallowed it.  Now that’s a Polish Sausage!  (Polish joke #2)  It was probably more like a Vienna Sausage.  Well, at least he swallows.

“If we’d had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on,” said Dr Adam Domanasiewicz (pronounced Davis.)  If I were Marian I would have demanded they get it back.  Of course, waiting for it would not do.  Have you ever seen what human digestive fluids can do to a penis?  Nope.  I’d say, “Cut the bastard’s stomach open and get the penis pronto, wash it off, and sew that sucker back on.  But that’s just me.

So that is what has caused me to “go off my feed.”  And I was going to grill Kielbasa tonight too.

And finally, for Polish joke #3:  How many Polish guys does it take to borrow a trailor?

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Photo by Tooley - flickr

Photo by Tooley - flickr

Here in the lush offices of The Curmudgeon, some of our staff are trashy but by no means sleazy.   And I mean the good kind of trashy.   You know what I’m talking about?   Like (insert favorite female pop star here) in that video (insert name of song here) just makes you want to (insert vile act here).   But when the following item came across my desk and I showed it around, we all felt a little bit like trash.   And a little nauseous too.

The item was this:  OctoMom Offered $1 Million to Make a Porno.   Aw, gawd, somebody open the door to my private bathroom…I don’t want anything slowing me down when the time comes and I make a mad dash to the porcelain god.   Sure, she’s used to having multiple people inside her at once, but a porn company is going to fork over a major payload to show it on film?   Hey, if she agrees to join their stable of…actresses…thereby agreeing to make several films as a “contract girl,” they’ll sweeten the pot by giving her family full medical and dental insurance.   Nadya Suleman’s the name…porn’s the game.  Well, maybe it will keep her out of the baby business at least.

Actually, this isn’t a bad deal for her.   She’s already screwed in the head, having gone as far as medical procedures to try to look

Transforming into Angelina

Transforming into Angelina

more like Angelina Jolie with the lip “puffer upping” and all.   But a million bucks, full insurance?   She certainly could use it, but what effect would it have on the kids, except for good part regarding the insurance?   Frankly, I don’t know who would pay money to see it.   Of course, I wouldn’t pay to see John Wayne Bobbit either, who got a porn contract after Elena cut his wiener off and doctors reattached the wiggly thing.   At least that was a medical curiosity…something P.T. Barnum might have been proud of, knowing that a sucker is born every minute.

An interesting twist and shout came when rival XXX company Pink Visual offered her a full year’s worth of diapers to keep her baby maker where it belongs.   Suddenly playing benevolent grandfather, the president of Pink Visual wrote that she “will become the subject of endless ridicule and scorn.   There’s a great deal of stigma attached to being a porn star” and that Octo needs to think “in the best interest of your children.”    You think?    For a change?

Here’s the thing:  She probably has offers of free diapers for a year 20 times over.   What she needs is some scratch and she’s already shown that she and reality don’t exactly see eye to eye.   I’ll bit I can pick which side of the bed she’s gonna lie on.

Uh-oh….here it comes…excuse me, I’m going into the bathroom to call Ralph on the big white phone.

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