Posts Tagged ‘frivilous lawsuits’

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Photo by Dave-F/flickr/Fair Use Rights/

Here in the natural habitat of The Curmudgeon, I guess we’re what you call animal lovers.  I’m personally not militant about it, but I think animals are cool and we should probably keep them around, and when I hear about “vanishing species” and animal abuse, it really gets my goat.  So I was tickled to hear that Switzerland is considering giving animals the right to legal representation.  This could really happen.  Orwell’s Animal Farm come to life: “Four legs good; two legs bad.”

You know what this means?  There’s gonna be more lawyers. Packs of them. Whenever there’s a new addition to the legal system, specialized lawyers spring up from nowhere and everywhere.  They’ll come out of the woodwork.  Entire litters of pre-law students will shift their classes to animal law.  You couldn’t make more lawyers if you started a vigorous repopulation program.  Have them mate in captivity then return them to the wild, just like they’re doing with the wood rat in Key Largo.

And it could spread around the world with an unstoppable momentum.  There will be animal lawyers everywhere and it will be fabulous.  Milk cows can sue for “cruel and unusual punishment,” and Pigs will give a teary, heartfelt speech from the witness stand, “He forces me to live in squalid conditions.  It’s like…a sty, you know?  Just mud.  And I’m supposed to wallow in it?  I don’t think so.

Oh, the possibilities are endless.  And eventually legal rights will be extended to lower species.  Before you know it rights will be extended to crustaceans…then to worms.  Yes, even two-headed hermaphroditic invertebrates will have a voice.  And what of plants?  Aren’t they living things?  Don’t they have feelings?  You bet they do.  And they feel it when we pull them out of the ground and eat them without mercy.  Free the turnips, I say!

Well, I for one hope this all comes to pass.  I think I might have a new career here.  I’ll get cases, even if I have to chase the city’s “dog catcher” trucks.  My phone number will be 1-800-274-8837.  That’s
1-800-CRITTER.  I’ll have a slogan in my advertising to attract new animal clients.  I’ve written the slogan already:

“Hoof & Mouth. Your Hoof, My Mouth.”

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Photo by brighterworld, flickr, Fair Use Rights, http://www.flickr.com/photos/13309333@N00/1994537800

Here in the star chamber, i.e., The Curmudgeon offices, we are no stranger to frivolous lawsuits.  We have expressed our outrage over them previously, not to mention that we were once sued by a man claiming that his head exploded after reading one of our posts.  So when a Kansas City man sued the Royals over a wiener, our interest was peaked.

When a fan sits close to the field, they are on the lookout for foul balls possibly conking them in the head and causing serious injury, but they are seldom on the lookout for a flying frank, especially one that is thrown from the field.

But that’s what happened when the Royals mascot, Sluggerrr, pitched a red hot into the stands and hit John Coomer in the eye, causing serious injury.  Or so he claims in a $25,000 lawsuit against the franchise.  What injuries could a wind-up with a wienie cause?  According to Coomer, the meaty missile caused a detached retina and the development of two cataracts, necessitating two eye surgeries.  Furthermore, he now has permanent impairment and is a greater risk for future eye problems.

“When they took me to the first aid station, they offered me a free wiener for my trouble. I accepted it and it was terrible. Tasted like dogsh*t.  I should sue ’em just for severing substandard hot dogs. If they had seved Ballpark franks…that would have been different.”

“We’re not going to comment of future litigation regarding our wieners,” spokesman David Holzman told the Curmudgeon.  “The size of our tube steaks is a matter of public record…they’re just average wieners.”

According to several reviews, the Royals stadium has Aramark hot dogs, suppliers of crappy bulk food, and the hot dogs are awful.

Apparently, Sluggerrr agrees.  So does John Coomer.

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Kawagoe manhole cover by Compound Eye / flickr

Kawagoe manhole cover by Compound Eye / flickr

Here in the posh pad that is The Curmudgeon offices, I see texting going on all the time.  The youngsters particularly seem to enjoy it, and they traipse up and down the hall, on their way to the restroom or the copy room or the conference room or O’Reilly’s Pub, the little place I run on the second floor with an outdoor deck overlooking Puget Sound.  Make a pretty penny too, but my point is, texting texting texting, sleek little fingers tap tap tapping their vital messages such as HOWRU? GO N 2 P and IM@WRK & MY BOSS Z HOT :-P.   My point is that is exactly what Alexa Longueira was doing when she stepped into an open manhole.

Alexa Longueira - Dangerous texter.

Alexa Longueira - Dangerous texter.

As reported by channel 2, local N.Y. CBS news, Miss Longueira was tap tap tapping when she fell into the sewer, suffering deep cuts and bruises.   The manhole had been left unattended by a N.Y.C. Department of Environmental Protection worker.  She was helped out of the stinky confines by an apologetic DEP worker.  Nice work protecting the environment, boys!  I think eliminating the streets of 15 year old texting girls is protecting the environment.

“It was just really gross and it was shocking and scary,” CBS quoted her as saying. “Because of their careless mistake I got hurt.”  When pressed further she confessed to her mindless texting activity and added, “Regardless of whether I’m texting or not if there was a cone there I’m gong to see a big orange cone,” she said. “I walk that sidewalk every day, I don’t expect a big hole there.”  That”s right, sweetie.  You don’t have to pay one bit of attention to where you are walking.  Everyone else will take care of you.  The world is just a big, soft, fluffy cloud.  Why, last week when your mom drove into that brick wall, WTF?  That wall didn’t used to be there.  Somebody is responsible for that wall!

You and I both know what comes next.  The lawsuit.  The girl dreams about falling now, so that’s like mental anguish and loss of sleep.  And the mother confirmed they might sue.  “It could have been an elderly person, a mother pushing a stroller. It could have been anyone.”  Yes, but it wasn’t.  It was your dumb ass daughter.  True, the manhole should not have been left open and someone could have gotten hurt, but the girl has to share some responsibility as well.  Put your damn phone in your pocket and watch where you’re going.


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Cap'n Crunch

Here in the food conscience but not cuisine restricted offices of the Curmudgeon, we like to start every day with a little breakfast, which generally consists of a piece of fruit.  The occasional bowl of cereal is also consumed, and since we believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, we do not choose cereals like Cap’ N’ Crunch.  The only thing such a cereal can accomplish is to give you or your kids such a sugar rush that it will seem as though they’ve had a good, energy inducing meal.

Only an idiot would think that “crunchberries” were actually fruit and good for you.  Well, today’s idiot comes courtesy of loweringthebar.net.  The woman, Janine Sugawara (that name is perfect) says she bought the Cap N’ Crunch with Crunchberries because she thought crunchberries were real fruit.  She subsequently learned that that the “berries” were actually nothing more than brightly colored cereal balls, and that there wasn’t any damn fruit in the box at all.  None.  Nada.  No fricking fruit!

Let the Lawsuits Roll

Sooooooooo disappointed was she that she did what any fruit loving American would do:  She sued.  She sued ’em good. So altruistic were her intentions that she sued ’em for herself and for every other consumer that had been duped into the great crunchberry conspiracy.  It seems she – and other unnamed idiots – actually believed there were crunchberry fields scattered across the land where migrant farm worker hand picked the tiny red, purple, green and teal, for crissakes, delicacies until their fingers bled, for less than minimum wage just so she could savor the odd, crunchy, fruit morsels in her box of children’s cereal.  As the judge put it: “So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.”

Third Time’s the Lucky Charms

So the idiot was sent packing with nothing for her 4 years of trouble.  But here is what is interesting.  A very similar case was brought – and dismissed – previously.  Against whom?  Fruit Loops.  And what other attorneys would be so bold as to misuse our justice system in this way?  The same ones.  The Fruit Loops lawyers are the same as the Crunchberry lawyers.  I for one don’t think they should get the chance to “get lucky” on their third try.

These frivolous lawsuits must be stopped, and people who bring ridiculous lawsuits should be punished along with their attorneys.  So what should the punishments be in this case?

The idiot woman should have to perform public service as a migrant farm worker picking real berries.  Maybe she’ll learn something.

The Lawyers should be removed from the bar.  I think they’ve had a little too much to drink anyway.

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