Posts Tagged ‘burglary’

“Empty your car before the thief does it,” Photo by Valla/Flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/10318765@N03/2765890678/

Here in the expensively-adorned, thief-worthy offices of The Curmudgeon, we are no strangers to boneheaded burglary attempts.  There was the “Spongebob incident,” where a man posing as a singing telegram attempted to smuggle several large paintings out stuffed under his shirt while he sang, “I Shot the Sherrif.”  He looked like Spongebob.  But this one even made us shake our heads in imperial disbelief: two car thieves called 911 while they were committing the crime.

How it went down was when the two burglars – 19 and 13 years old – began looting from the vehicle, one of the Einsteins hit the auto 911 button on the phone.  A dispatcher answered and listened to their conversation.

“Hello? Hello? What is your emergency?” the 911 dispatcher asks.

“Help,” the criminal said, “Burglary in process!  I’m the dumb ass crook.  I can’t stop my stealin’ ways. Help me stop!  Send backup!”

Well, not exactly.  Instead the bumbling bandits argued over what was worth more and should be stolen, all the while the dispatcher listened, passed the ongoing conversation along to the police, who had already dispatched cars to the scene.

“When I beep the horn it means the cops are on their way, you hear me? You promise you hear me?” the callers’ say.

Hearing the conversation must have been quite interesting to the dispatcher.

“Look in here, in the glove compartment. They have, like, GPSs or something,” says dumbass #1.

“Oh, I didn’t even think about that,” says dumbass #2

“That’s where the GPSs are at,” dumbass #1 replies.

“You got to break the SIM card. Take that SIM card out. They can trace it,” one of the cloddish crooks says. “If there’s nothing there, leave it. Trust me, God always works in mysterious ways. If you be greedy, that’s when you get caught up, alright?”

“That’s right, dumbass # 1,”  said the other, “They would be as stupid as if we called 911 on ourselves!”

“Ha, ha!  That would be really stupid.”

There was also a conversation about Karma.  Appropriate under the circumstances.  They still had the stuff in their hands when cops showed up and arrested them.  How could such an amazing screw-ups happen to these two kids?

Bad karma.

(Some facts were published at WESH.com, the Orlando NBC affiliate.)

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facebook Max-B flickr

Here in the convivial offices of The Curmudgeon, we are a social company.  Lots of company parties and whatnot.  Many of the employees share personal information on Facebook, MySpace, & Twitter, though why anyone would want to know that Bobby threw-up the sushi he ate for lunch escapes me.

When President Obama was asked by a kid what advice he had for growing up to be President, he said be careful what you post on Facebook.  He knew what he was talking about.  Harris Interactive did a study and found that 45% of employers use social networks to check out job applicants.  Scary enough, but worse, 35% didn’t hire someone based on what they saw there.  “Holy status update,” Batman!

Your current boss may be doing it too.  Badmouthing him or the company?  Hello unemployment.  I check up on my employees.  They keep friending me (BIG MISTAKE).  I’ve only yelled at one worker though, for reporting how drunk he got in the company Irish Pub during work hours, not for getting drunk but for telling the world about it.  Just in case the authorities or somebody’s mother is reading, we confiscate keys and they are given a ride home with the car service I pay for.  (Note to self:  Hire a car service, damnit.)  Don’t you wish you worked for me?  Just use a little discretion and don’t make a habit of it.  Fine Irish whiskey is to be sipped and savored, not swigged down in some “I can hold my liquor better than you” drinking game.

But there are other pitfalls too, worse perhaps.  Burglars love the social networks, though they’re not very social.  So go ahead and tell everybody your’re going on vacation to Europe for two weeks, or you could go to the roughest bar in the city, stand up and say, “Attention everybody.  I’m going to Paris for two weeks and my house will be empty.  By the way, I live at 666 Dumbass Lane.”  One such man announced he was going to Kansas City, and then posted constant updates about it.  He came home to find his house cleaned out, including the very expensive editing equipment he used to put together videos that he posted on Facebook.  “It was like they knew what they were looking for,” he later said.  They knew what they were looking for all right.  They were looking for an idiot on Facebook.

Spouses use it during divorces.  You might have evidence of an affair, or said how hungover you were which will be used against you during the child custody phase.   “Bye kids.  The bad judge man wont let mommy keep you. He said she has a Zinfandel  problem.

Still not convinced?  Here’s a couple that will hit you in the pocket book:  The IRS is starting to use it during tax disputes.  Cha-Ching! As they get more and more aggressive, soon they’ll probably have a computer that looks for social network information automatically, and they may be doing it already.  But wait! Order today and you also get….higher insurance premiums.  Insurance companies are pondering this move even as we speak.  Cha-Ching! More expensive homeowners insurance, coming soon to an insurance company near you.  Writing references to drinking or reckless behavior?  Cha-Ching! There goes your driver’s insurance.

Identity thieves love these sites.  I’m not going to even get into phishing and virus’s.  Just remember to be very careful with what you post.  Just ask yourself, “What evil could I do with this information,” and you’ll be alright.  Maybe.

Now that’s social networking.

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This is what a thong is supposed to look like.

This is what a thong is supposed to look like.

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the men dress well – sexy even – but none of us are wearing thong panties under our pants.  At least I don’t think so, though I do worry about that French guy, Jaques, down the hall.  No, I’m a boxer kind of guy, but I can’t speak for the rest of the staff.  That’s why I am tickled (so to speak) by men who wear women’s sexy underthingies.  Sure, it feels all soft and luxurious on your skin and gives you a raging h….um…but how would I know?  I don’t, I tell ya, I don’t, but I can imagine the silky smoothness as it gently…oh…ahem.  Anyway…

That’s why I’m chuckling today over a story on WSMV.com, because wearing women’s thong panties is one thing, but burglarizing a house wearing nothing but is something else entirely.  It got all freaky in Andersonville, Tennessee when cops arrived at a burglary in process.  The scantily clad, gender-confused burglar heard the cops arrive and jumped out a second story window.  Have you ever jumped out of a 2nd story window wearing 5 inch heels?  Hurts like hell.  Anyway, cops followed footprints from the house to an abandoned farm next door.  There they found 42 year old Larry Moore wearing the thong in question.

For the life of me I can’t figure out what motivates a guy to do this, unless the excitement of burglary had become passé , and dressing up in women’s panties had also begun to bore him.  He just wasn’t getting the thrill to which he had grown accustomed.  Then one day he said to himself, “I know!  I’ll wear a thong- I think that frilly pink number – and burglarize a house!”

I can see him now prancing around the scene of the crime while singing “I Feel Pretty.”  No word on what he was stealing.  Probably more panties because, gosh, it’s just so embarrassing to buy them at Walmart.  And heaven knows, Larry Moore wouldn’t want to be embarrassed.   Nope, ole Larry Moore of Andersonville, Tennessee was never one for embarrassment.

I don’t have anything against guys who wear panties.  I think it’s kind of funny and as I’ve always said, whatever raises your flag as long as you hurt no one and there aren’t any children involved.  But burglarizing a home ain’t right.  Somebody worked hard to afford those panties which you so cavalierly just sashay into their home and take them, Mr. Larry Moore of Andersonville, Tennessee.

A fund has been started for Larry to help him while he is in jail.

Send your used panties to Anderson County Detention Facility to help him pass the time.  Remember though, he’s jaded so make them crotchless for that extra oomph.

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