Here in the soothing, aromatic offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we have the most modern air exchange/purification system in our bathrooms that is yet possible in this age of super technology. Yes, amid all the research of the human genome, cloning, new weapons, and medical development, some scientist actually spent his research money developing new ways to keep your bathroom from stinking. Too bad we can’t install the system in the atmosphere over the state of Indiana.
Even as I write this to you, Indiana is being run over by giant poop bubbles. And they smell bad. The foul bubbles are caused by animal poop on the dairy farm of Tony Goltstein, who like most diary farmers, puts the waste from his animals in a giant lagoon. Way back in 2006, small bubbles began poking up on the surface.
Now, 6 years later, the bubbles are the size of small houses and can be seen in satellite photos. The fear that the bubbles may begin to float on air a little, and begin rolling across the state chasing people like The Rover giant bubble on The Prisoner, has politicians squirming for a solution, since they rightly assume the bubbles will target them first.
Farmers are an industrious breed, and Goltstein is no exception. He has a plan. It’s a bold plan requiring the kind of courage that made this country great. He and his 19 year-old son, against all logic, would go out on a paddle-boat and slice them open with a knife. The Indiana environmental agency is considering the idea. But they have some serious concerns.
“Not knowing how much volume of gas is there and how much pressure it’s under,” said Assistant Commissioner Bruce Palin, “we’re concerned with just cutting a hole.” Yeah, what it if it stinks up the whole state? Nobody wants to smell what’s on the inside of a giant poop bubble. And don’t forget how damaging methane can be to the ozone.
I, Crusty, have a much bolder plan. Capture the bubbles in an extra large butterfly net, transport them overseas and put them at various strategic locations throughout Iraq. Then, whenever our troops have to conquer a village they can simply pop one of the balloons and move in when the inhabitants get all discombobulated. It’s a win win situation.
Poop balloons are dangerous with documented evidence. Just last year, a hog farmer in Minnesota was launched rocket-like 40 feet in the air when a poop balloon exploded in his manure pit, burning him and singeing his hair.
The Wall Street Journal was told by Goltstein that he had “no fear of popping them.” All I can say is Mr Goltstein is a patriot.
He makes me proud to be an American.