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Posts Tagged ‘sex in public’

By jltabak on Photo Bucket

Here in the touchy-feely offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we are huggers all.  I suppose this is because my erstwhile crack staff takes their cue from me.  I am a touchy-feely guy, due to my upbringing and young adulthood in show business.  Us performers are huggers, and are quick to touch a woman’s hand or shoulder, or offer a hug, at least to a pretty woman.  That must be a burden for the lady, guys compelled to touch or hug her constantly, but maybe she shouldn’t be so attractive?  Okay, that’s not fare, but C’est la vie.  It is different with two Males however.

There was an art to two males hugging.  First, you must make sure that the other male is also a touchy-feely guy.  If he’s not, best not to do it.  There are times and people with whom it is appropriate with or not.  In addition, the male hug, unless you’re very good friend, requires what I call “The Barrier Handshake.”  That is first shaking hands, keeping that grip, and then the brief hug while your hands and arms are in between you, to prevent too close of contact.

So that’s the history of my hugging experience in my time.  What intrigues me about the current fad among teenagers, is the frequency of hugging, the frequent hugging of males, and these massive group hugs.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, and probably quite the opposite, representing a non-sexual closeness that has been lacking in our society in the past.  Oh, perhaps it happens with too much frequency and casualness, which thereby lessons its meaning and intent, but harmless nevertheless.  What is really surprising to me is the majority of adults freaking out over the new hugging trend.

What’s their problem?  For starters, they don’t understand it.  They haven’t any experience in this area (unlike yours truly) and therefore view it suspiciously.  After all, if they don’t get it, then something evil – or at least dirty – is afoot.  This fear in ignorant adults (the true meaning of the word ignorant being applied here: Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge.  It doesn’t mean they’re stupid; they just are uneducated on this subject.) but these misconceptions  have actually caused some schools to ban hugging.  As though surely there are orgies going on in secret from which this hugging epidemic springs.

Perhaps a little compromise is in order here.  Do it less during school, and less publicly.  You know, sometimes compromise can work greatly in your favor. The adults will chill out a little, and you may actually gain more freedom.

Rest assured though that Crusty is on your side, especially on this matter.  Sure, sometimes I may tell you things you don’t want to hear, but I truly believe I am speaking the truth, but my only regret in the hugging craze is I can’t get in there for a hug or two.

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flasher senaleko flickr

senaleko/flickr

Here in The Curmudgeon edifice, we are what you might call a “flashy” group, but we are not flashers, at least not that I know of.  That is to say nobody has been caught.  Of course I am not counting our yearly Mardi Gras celebration, where there is some flashing, but the wholesome, feminine kind.  Not so for an act perpetrated on a public New Zealand bus.

A man showed his New Zealand sausage roll to a female bus passenger, who did what any modern, intelligent, progressive woman would do.  She screamed.  She screamed bloody murder.  She wouldn’t stop screaming.  So what does a bus driver do with an hysterical screaming woman aboard?  In New Zealand, he alters his course and drives straight to the nearest police station.  Only by the time the driver gets there, he is nervous and panicky, so when he opens the bus door and gets up, he forgets to put the bus in neutral.  Well, the crazy lady is still screaming, so he can perhaps be excused this temporary lapse in caution.  The bus is not so forgiving however, and it lurches forward and crashes into the police station entrance.

The interesting thing is the flasher was just 14 years-old, so it probably wasn’t a sausage roll, or even a banger, but more like a little sweet gherkin.  The woman reacted absolutely wrong.  What she should have done—and I’m telling all females this–laugh your ass off.  Oh, yes.  Laugh, laugh, point at it, laugh.  Now I don’t know what kind of a reaction a flasher wants in a woman, but I think it’s probably along the lines of shock and awe.  I can guarantee he doesn’t want her to laugh.  No man wants that.  No man can stand that.  Indeed, that gherkin would have retracted back into his pants like a turtle’s head back into its shell.

Police charged the 14 year-old alleged flasher with pulling out an indecent act…er, I mean…carrying out an indecent act.

All this trouble because one stupid kid whipped out his alleged hot dog.

Wait. It wasn’t a hot dog.  It more like a Little Smokey.  Now that’s a scream.

(Some information for this story from The New Zealand Herald.)

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Voodoo doll of French President

Voodoo doll of French President Sarkozy

Voodoo doll of French President Sarkozy

Here at the Crusty Curmudgeon, information comes across our desk from every corner of the globe. Rain or shine, it just keeps coming. The Curmudgeon staff sifts painstakingly through this info to garner only the juiciest, wickedly titillating, system shocking, stomach-churning, digestively disgusting tidbits from the disturbing world in which we live. And most of the time the stuff is so stupid it’s funny.

Hoodoo That Voodoo That You Do

From across the pond in the land of snails, surly cabbies, and ladies who wear no pants, comes this tale of a pissed-off President. An outfit is marketing voodoo dolls of French President Nicolas Sarkozy – himself no stranger to ladies with no pants – which the lucky owner can prick in various body parts and nether regions. There’s no word on whether the indiscriminate pin-sticking actually hurts the President physically, but emotionally, he’s as stewed as a pig-brain cassoulet. Sarkozy demanded a ban on the evil dolls, but a lower court rejected his case citing “the right to humor.” Now an appeals court has concurred, but the judge stuck on this caveat: The dolls must carry a notice saying that pricking them harms the President’s dignity. Those French always were a bunch of pricks.

Law and Disorder

Back on this side of the Atlantic, in a place called Montgomery Township, N.J., a scene familiar all across the US played out in real time on a quiet Thanksgiving evening. A bank alarm goes off. Police respond to the alarm. They witness the figure of a man—a possible suspect—visible through the window blinds inside the bank. A standoff ensues. The area was sealed off. Three nearby apartment buildings were evacuated. Bullhorns roared. Telephone calls were made. There was no answer. There was no response. Having failed to establish contact with the perp, the SWAT (Shocked With A Taser) team is summoned. They stealthily make their way to the entrances, crouching and leap-frogging into the ready position. It was a go!

The SWAT team storms the bank, semi-automatics at the ready. Quickly and skillfully they encircle the perpetrator and…this is where it turns from an episode of The Shield into Car 54 Where Are You. What they had captured was…here it comes…a cardboard cutout! Yes, my friends, twas a cutout of a dude hawking IRAs. Maybe some of those cops should think about getting an IRA or two, cause retirement must be looking pretty good right about now. Watch for further news in Bank Robbing for Cardboard Dummies!

Rosie O’Donnell and Her Thanksgiving Turkey

Bank robberies weren’t the only thing that happened during Thanksgiving. There was truly something to be thankful for. Yes, friends, you’re thinking, “You, Mr. Curmudgeon? You’re thankful?” Yes, even old Curmudgy can feel deeply and even get a tear or two, time to time. Especially in a movie where they kill the dog. My good news is that the new Rosie variety show crashed and burned. Bombed big time. (Hmmm. Voodoo dolls…Rosie…that gives me an idea.) Natch, I didn’t see the show cause I wanted to keep my dinner down, but the reviews concurred that the show stunk up the place. That puts a big smile on my mug. Let’s hope this pushes “The Thing” into forced retirement with an IRA from a cardboard guy in N.J. It’s not that I don’t like Rosie, gosh, I’m sure she’s got her good points, but…it’s just…you know…she’s the Devil’s spawn.

A Whole ‘Nother Ballgame

Rosie is the opposite of sex, which reminds me… it seems the football game between the Minnesota Gophers and the Iowa Hawkeyes got a little boring with the Hawkeyes well on their way to a 55-0 trouncing. A couple of Iowa fans, not to be denied their randy recreation, decided to play ‘hide the bratwurst” in a handicapped stall in the bathroom. The couple—a 38 year-old woman and a 26 year-old man—went at it like a couple of gophers and drew a crowd of drunk, cheering fans. But when anybody is ever having any fun, it’s gonna get penalized by the man and the long..er…arm of the law. The university police—tipped off by a security guard—interrupted the couple and cited them for indecent conduct, off-sides, and backfields in motion. I’m sure these enterprising citizens felt pretty embarrassed, but they hadn’t felt nothin’ yet: The man was released into the custody of his girlfriend and the woman into the custody of her husband. Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!

Which brings us back to voodoo dolls. I don’t know if they work or not, but I sure would like to give one a try.

Well, the clock has ticked into the wee hours of December and the first snow of the holiday season has begun to fall and blanket the ground, like a harbinger of good will towards men and holiday festivities. We’ve shared poking a doll, poking fun, a pig-in-a-poke, and poking for pleasure. Mmmm. Good times. Old Curmudgy has a tear in his eye…cause he’s gonna have to get up early and shovel snow.

The Crusty Curmudgeon

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