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Archive for the ‘Wonky Words’ Category

glowsticks-frodobabbs

glowsticks by frodobabbs on flickr.

Here in The Curmudgeon offices we are currently amused but skeptical.  Sometimes, in my never-ending quest searching for what is new, different, and hopefully perverted, I came across this entry in the Urban Dictionary:

Glomosexual:  a girl who uses glowsticks as a dildo.  “Alicia got off whenever she looked at a glowstick, because she was a glomosexual.”

I kid you not.  But is it real?  Or is somebody pulling our collective glowsticks?

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

Now, I like the Urban Dictionary, but it must be taken with a grain of salt and a dash of humor.  Like Wikipedia, it is written by common folk, and what you read there isn’t necessarily the truth.  That doesn’t mean that there isn’t lots of truth there, just that you have to decide what is real and what is a joke.  The Urban Dictionary can be very beneficial when you come across some slang you are unfamiliar with or one of those stupid LOL acronyms everyone uses now-a-days.

Just recently I looked up ROFLSCOMN, which translates to “rolling on floor laughing while spewing coke out my nose.”  Ok, it doesn’t.  I made that up, but I would appreciate if everyone started using it and let’s see if we can start a thing.

So let us examine this word,  glowmosexual.  We see under the definition that it was submitted by one Alicia Morgan.  So we click on her name and it takes us to her other entries.  They are:

Snowmosexual:  Somebody who has sex with snowmen:  “Alicia thrust the snowman’s icicle deep inside of herself in an act of snowmosexual intercourse.”

Debtorosexual:  Someone who gets off on forcing people that owe them money to do sexual favors for them.  “Alicia’s tenants owed her some back rent money, so she forced them to have debtorosexual group sex with her in order to pay it off.

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

I found no other places which described or even used the word glomosexual that weren’t directly related to the Urban Dictionary.  I think we can know assume it is not a real slang word, but one clearly coined by Ms. Morgan.

Does this anger me?  No.  It does not.  It doesn’t piss me off because it’s funny.  As for the possibility of using a glowstick for masturbation, so what?   They have dildo’s that glow in the dark already.  I have heard of women using a zucchini.  Whatever yens your yang is my motto.  I think Ms. Morgan (or whatever her real name is) would make a great date.  She is one funny chick.  We could discuss my new word:  Slowmosexual: One who records themselves having sex and then plays it back in slow motion, thereby making it appear as though they actually lasted more that 30 seconds.

If anyone knows Alicia Morgan have her give me a call.  Whatever yens your yang, baby!

(PHOTO CREDITS:  Top to bottom;  Glowsticks, FrodoBabs, flickr;  Glowsticks, strawberriecakes, flickr; Glowsticks, onesevenone, flickr.)

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Darwin Bell / flickr

Darwin Bell / flickr

I write to you from my deathbed, not in my home, but in my suite at the mournful but not morose Curmudgeon offices. Yes, I have a bed here, so I can come in even when I am dying and be master of my domain (even in the Seinfeld sense.) I am not really dying, but feel like I’m dying due to a case of food poisoning.

While I am not your typical whiny male whenever I get sick, I do moan a lot. I moan loud. Deep, mournful, forlorn, elephants are stepping on my toes loud. The staff is less than sympathetic—except for Suzie from Indiana, who is always ready to whip up some homemade chicken soup or bake a loaf of herb, Parmesan-crusted bread—and they make fun of me by dressing all in black and parading by my bed with lit candles, whispering to each other, “He was a bastard…but I loved him.

And that is how I have come to be rereading all my old “Word of the Day” emails—four per day—which pile up in my mailbox unread, unused, and unlearned. Let me tell you, four per day is too many for me. I can’t keep up with them and learn them before the next batch comes in, and then the next and the next, piling up on top of each other like dried beans dropping into a mason jar (I was gonna go with “like the guests at a Caligula party,” but thought that might be pushing it.)

I have found that the “Word’s of the Day” come in several categories, all of which can be classified as the Good, the Bad, or the Ugly. That is a personal decision however, so I’ll let you determine which it is according to your sensibilities. So let’s get to it.

Words That You Thought You Knew

CANDOR: We all know this word to mean unreserved, honest, or sincere expression. But that is actually its third definition. The first is whiteness, brilliance. I like this kind of word, where you think you know it and then find out it has this totally different use you have never thought of. I think the next time I’ll write, “The day began with a stunning candor.”

Words You Know but Never Use

SHILLY-SHALLY: Hesitantly, irresolutely. This works for me because although we know what it means, we—or I, at least—never think to use it. Getting it in my mailbox reminds me that it is out there to be called upon when some levity is desired. I’ll remember to use this word more often. Without further shilly-shallying, we come to…

Words That Suck and Then They Don’t

GUDGEON: A small European fresh-water fish. Now, why the heck would I need to know this? I don’t fish and I especially don’t fish when I am in Europe. But then you read on and find that the word also means bait and a gullible person. Ahh…that’s different. This opens up new possibilities. “Don’t be such a gudgeon! Stand up like a man!”

Words You’ll Never Use and Then You Will

ABSQUATULATE: To leave in a hurry; to flee. What kind of pompous ass would use this word? “The house is on fire! I’m going to absquatulate!” But then you find out it is a Mock-Latinate formation. It’s meant to be funny. If that’s not enough for you, Elenore Roosevelt used it when she said, “If you try to absquatulate again, I’ll sic the FBI on you.” That’s instant credibility, man.

Words You’ll Never Use and Then You Still Wont

AVENACEOUS: Relating to or like oats. Really. Who do they think reads these things? Maybe if you’re a scientist at Monsanto or something, but I personally have no use for this word. I’ll bet you couldn’t get even one farmer—a guy who grows oats—to use it. I’m not going to even talk about it. It was a waste of time then, and it’s a waste of my time now.

So, it’s time to absquatulate from this article. I have shilly-shallyied enough and can only hope that tomorrow will shine with candor. No longer shall I play the gudgeon. Perhaps I’ll make some Quaker Avenaceous porridge. But that homemade soup and fresh-baked bread is starting to sound good. I wonder if Suzie would think I was whining if…naw…she won’t mind…

Susie! SUZIE! Would you come in here a minute, pretty please???? I dying here…”

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seuss-stupid-book

Nothing perks us up here in the delightfully comfortable but not inappropriate Curmudgeon offices than really stupid things. Especially when said stupid things involve literature since, like 99.9% of all web writers, all of us here are working on our first novels, sure to be published by Random House or Farrar Straus Giroux and make us independently wealthy.

And so it was that we all got a little holiday cheer when we came across the world’s worst book titles for this year as judged by the Atlanta Journal Constitution, causing us to hit the bar earlier than usual and have a good laugh which does a body good—better than milk (but maybe not better than milk with a shot of brandy in it). Some people are either really funny or really stupid and I, for one, always assume it is the latter.

First for the honorable mentions, and let me point out that any of these books—and yes, they are real–would make excellent Christmas gifts:

Letting It Go: a History of American Incontinence.” No shit (excuse me but I couldn’t resist). Well, it certainly is a descriptive title, and no doubt plunges to the bottom of this unrestrained topic.  Great bathroom reading!

Everything You’ll Need to Remember About Alzheimer’s.” I’d like to give you the full review of this memorable book, but they never sent me my review copy. Or did they? I don’t think so. I check the…um…the outside box thing…that the people in the little trucks put…uh…that stuff into…er…those things with the sticker and some handwriting on them.

And finally, the 2008 winner, published by Disney:

Cooking with Pooh.” This is a delightful cooking book for children, and they can make their own ingredients. Written with great fecundity, it comes with the free pamphlet, “E Coli: Fun with Bacteria.” (Editors note: Not a real title.)

So if you have some loved ones still on your Christmas list, go by your local bookstore and pick up a few of these timeless tomes. They’re sure to delight even the most discerning of your re-gifters.  And so friends, I’m on my way to the mega-bookstore to purchase these for my extensive library and immediate perusal–if only I can remember where it is.

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