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Archive for June, 2009

Hermaphrodite Endormi at the Lourve  Photoby Tiquetonne2067/vlickr

Hermaphrodite Endormi at the Lourve Photo by Tiquetonne2067/flickr

Here at The Curmudgeon, I have often written about women and men’s fascination with them, particularly their bodies, perhaps ad nauseam.  I have spent an equal amount of time justifying my apparent compulsion by explaining my belief that if you look at what women are doing, that will tell you a lot about men, and taken together you will learn about our society.

Les Trois Grâces - Jean-Jacques Pradier - 1792-1852  Photo byTiquetonne2067

Les Trois Grâces - Jean-Jacques Pradier - 1792-1852 Photo byTiquetonne2067

I also haven’t shied away from saying that I’m a hound dog and I just plain like looking at women’s bodies.  I’ll say again that this does not make me a perv – though perv I may be – but rather it is simply the way men are hardwired, the same way that ants just do what ants do.  The same is true of women:  we all pretty much are the same as we have always been since time began.

With that crap out of the way, let’s get to the butts.  Women’s butts.  Do guys like ’em?  Yes we do.  Are women concerned with the way their butts look?  Yes they are.  Do both women and men appraise, evaluate, and judge women’s butts?  Certainly.  Which brings me to this news item as reported by UPI.com (United Press International).  In Swansea, Wales, a woman has received a $33,000 grant to create plaster casts of womens buttocks.  No shi_….oh, poor choice of words.

Courtesy of picfor.me

Courtesy of picfor.me

I know why I would want a grant to take plaster casts of women’s buttocks, but why does she?  In her words, “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom and how it is viewed in contemporary culture and viewed by the male,” she said. “For example, it is quite clear that the bottom is sacrosanct to the African man and woman.” (UPI)

Hey, wait a cotton pickin’ minute.  Sacrosanct in African cultures?  I’d say it’s pretty sacrosanct in my culture too.  Just because we don’t write as many songs about our callipygian fetishism, we don’t like butts?  But we do, we do.  No butts about it.  It’s just that instead of saying, “Yo, booty.  She got some junk in her trunk,” we say, “Oh, my, those are shapely buttocks worthy of the great artists of the Renaissance!”  It’s not less passionate…just more classy.

Courtesy of picfor.me

Courtesy of picfor.me

The money for the grant comes from lottery proceeds which are supposed to be used for a good cause, and apparently some people don’t think it’s a good cause at all.  I happen to think it is for a good cause.  I mean, you can throw out all that stuff about buttocks being sacrosanct.  We like ’em and there’s no need to understand why, but simply taking plaster casts of women’s buttocks is a good thing.  I don’t know why.  Maybe because I want to take plaster casts of women’s buttocks and get paid for it.

This makes me think that these butt casts will need some breast casts to go along with them.  When is the deadline for grant submissions in Wales?

File this one under: Why the hell didn’t I think of that.

(Photo Credits:  Top photo, Hermaphrodite Endormi by Tiquetonne2067/flickr /Les Trois Grâces – Jean-Jacques Pradier – 1792-1852 (détail), Tiquetonne2067/flickr

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dragonart.com

dragonart.com

Here in the sleepy but not comatose offices of The Curmudgeon, I find myself happy that I dragged myself in on a Saturday.  I have been following the rise in piracy for several years, since back when it was a hush hush topic nobody talked about.  Information was more difficult to come by then, but now, every time you turn on the news there’s a new dramatic piracy story.

I have felt the frustration of the ships who are not allowed to carry weapons to defend themselves, and shared their outrage at the sheer audacity of the blackguards.  And now, finally, the tables may be shifting.  A Russian luxury yacht cruise company is offering “Pirate-Hunting” excursions.

Getty images

I kid you not.  The idea is that the luxury yacht – a favorite target for pirates – cruises from Djibouti to Mombasa Kenya at a very slow speed with the hope of attracting a team of scalawags. When the pirates try to take over the ship, they are in for a rude awakening.  Each passenger will be armed with an AK-47 for an additional $17.50 per day on top of the $5000.00 cost of the ticket.  And the accommodations are luxurious as well, all the way down to the origami towels in the staterooms.  And should the passengers be outmatched by the pirates, not to worry: former Special Forces troops are on board for the passengers ultimate protection.

I love this idea and I don’t think I’m the only one.  My instinct tells me they’ll be booked through next pirate-hunting season.  In fact, I think I’ll go myself.  It sounds like a jolly good time, with a little hunting in the morning followed by cocktails on the Lido Deck.  Talking like a pirate and shoulder-sitting parrots are optional, but peg legs are complimentary.

But first, I’ll need some good traveler’s insurance.

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Photo by peachy92 / flickr

Photo by peachy92 / flickr

Here in the pristine but lived-in offices of The Curmudgeon, we like to fund studies.  Why, recently I funded a study called, “What Will Happen if I Drink This Entire Bottle of Scotch.”  I spent a total of $30.00 dollars and conclusively determined to, “never, ever do that again.”  See?  Inexpensive and thorough.  Study closed.  That’s just one of the reasons I like to keep up on studies the government funds.  Often they are “pork” inserted into congressional bills just as by-products are stuffed into a sausage casing, and they are most often absurd.  This one, however, is in the upper echelons of the sublimely ridiculous.

Say It With Science

The U.S. Government is spending $423,500 to study why men don’t like wearing condoms, as documented by ABC news.  The money – to be used by the Kinsey Institute – to “study barriers to correct condom use.”  But it gets better.  In typical Science/Grant lingo, i.e., can you guess what I’m saying, the Kinsey Institute said:

This project aims to advance our understanding of, among other factors, the role of cognitive and affective processes and condom application skills in explaining problems with condom use in young, heterosexual adult men.”

Um…what they said.  Come on.  I already know the answer.  You already know the answer.  As I have heard it explained, wearing a condom is like “taking a shower in a raincoat.”  When the Kinsey Institute was asked to comment, they said, “Woo hoo!”  Actually, they had no comment because their mouths were full.  If they really wanted a scientific answer to this conundrum, the NIH (National Institutes of Health) could have just walked out on the street and asked the first 50 guys they saw.

Aw, Do I Have To?

With the severe economy problems this country is currently experiencing, I think there are better ways this money could have been spent.  Heck, they should have given me the money.  No, I’m serious.  I could’ve just saved them half a mil, so send me some more studies and I’ll solve them at a fraction of the cost.  Why do cattle have a high rate of flatulence?  Because they eat grass all day.  Why do men dislike cutting the grass?  Because they have to feed their cattle.  See?  I just saved the Government 1 million bucks.

ABC spoke with Jazz Shaw, assistant editor for the news blog themoderativevoice.com, and asked him “why, exactly, men often put up a fight when they’re asked to wear a condom, Shaw said the feeling experienced during intercourse is altered — and not for the better — by the condom.”

“The physical sensation is simply not the same,” Shaw said.

I could have told them that.

Note: To all you Don Juans:  Please wear a condom… whether you like it or not.

(Photo Credit: Condoms , Peachy92, flickr )

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Oklahoma City Bombing

Oklahoma City Bombing

Here in the literary but not erudite offices of The Curmudgeon, we come across news items every day that are quite simply screwed up.  They can illustrate not only the wacky society we live in, but how certain freedoms and rights have utterly run amok.  Such is the case with today’s item, which is that Oklahoma City bomber Terry Nichols is suing over bad prison food.

Terry Nichols / MSNBC

Terry Nichols / MSNBC

This is so Fu**ed up it hardly needs my attention.  The food he gets in Colorado’s federal Supermax Prison apparently doesn’t meet his high standards, and he wants a court appointed lawyer to represent his case.  You and I will pay for that as well.  According the the AP, who reported on this disgusting matter, Nichols claims the food is causing him to “sin against God” because he doesn’t get enough whole grains and fresh food.  Um…what kind of sin are we talking about here?  Doing the nasty in prison or murdering 168 people?

Colorado federal Supermax Prison

Colorado federal Supermax Prison

I would make a joke here about maybe if I got more whole grain foods I would sin less too, but frankly, I’m not feeling funny.  There isn’t much information yet available and the U.S. Attorney’s office in Denver did not immediately return calls to the AP.

Here’s about all I have to say:  I know of 168 people should have it as good as you.  Your room and board is paid for with three hots a day, and apparently you get to sin too.  I’m not going to turn this into an argument for the death penalty (although I could),  but at the very least, you should spend your days tied to a chain in the hot sun smashing rocks with a sledge hammer, and for dinner, rancid, rotten, maggot-infested meat is too good for you.

Let’s stop this nonsense now.  Every prisoner thinks they can use the system which they have already rejected.

A cell in CO. supermax prison

A cell in CO. supermax prison

Punish this guy Nichols for his outrageous arrogance.  Make any prisoner who brings an absurd lawsuit shake with fear every time they think about doing it again, and thereby provide an example to other prisoners who are readying their stupid lawsuits even as I write this.

As my favorite lawman, Barney Fife would say, “We’ve got to nip it!   Nip it in the bud!”

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Black Eyed Peas comin/ to get you, Paris Hilton.  Run away, run away!

Black Eyed Peas comin' to get you, Perez Hilton. Run away, run away!

Here in the chic offices of The Curmudgeon, we are thorough but overworked.  That’s why we welcome tips from friends, neighbors, relatives, readers, the local police department, and our priest – if we had one.  So today I am writing a follow-up to yesterdays Perez Hilton farce – which I rarely do – thanks to this tip from friend, colleague, fellow college alum (Harvard – but don’t bother checking: I’m pretty sure they lost our records,) and a fantastic writer himself, Paul Sagan.  If he were a priest he’d have all the bases covered.  He offered todays tip, which is, in a nutshell, Perez Hilton is living in some kind of insane fantasy world where he is the king.  We kind of knew that, but hear me out.

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Assimilation Association Disorder…okay, I made that up.  It’s Alliance Against Defamation) stated that while they condemned any attack on Hilton –  and they acknowledge that there aren’t a lot of facts available – they mostly asked that Hilton apologize for using the F word, namely, fa***t.

Hilton is outraged, of course.  Peons don’t ask the King to apologize, don’t you know.  So what does he do?  He pules (whines and whimpers) some more, now DEMANDING an apology from GLAAD for taking the situation further (read: daring to criticize the King.)

Here is what the germ said:

I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Gawd, can I go back to my own planet yet?  Surely my work here is done.  We’re still not sure exactly what happened in the first place, but the gist is that Black Eyed Pea member will i. am asked or told Hilton not to write about the band on his website any more, Hilton having been derogatory about their most recent album.  Possibly, will I. am got his face close to Hilton’s when he said this, but they were in a night club.  You ever try talking to anybody in a loud nightclub?  This sent Hilton into an unreasonable tirade which you can read in yesterdays post.

Hilton claims he felt threatened by will. i. am.  No doubt.  Will i. am is black and we all know how scary it can be to be close to a black man.  You never know what could happen?  He could pull out a knife or bust a cap in is powdery ass.  Lordy, lordy, everybody run, it’s a black man!  Give me a break.  Hilton is so white bread he grew up inside a Wonder bag.

This is what really pisses me off.  In our society, you are allowed to say whatever you want to somebody’s face, no matter how offensive, mean, or insulting it may be.  But you are not allowed to punch them in the face if they do.  I’m sorry, but this is wrong.  Words can hurt and wound as much as violence.  If Hilton goes off on me (how dare him!  I am the real King!) then that gives me the right to punch him in his horrid face…or it should.  The only question here should not be who struck who first, but who started the ugly part, whether by word or deed.  As far as the smack to the kisser, the only question to consider is “did he deserve it.”  Yes.  He did.  He deserved worse.  The point is, if you can’t deal with the fight that ensues, then shut your mouth.  Check out the National News story video below, which has it pretty much right, and also perfectly demonstrates what it means to be mewling and puling.

Hopefully, I am done with Perez Hilton, and he will dissolve back into the primordial ooze from which he crawled in the first place where he can continue his crybaby act.  I’m going to make a sandwich, not on wonder bread, but on Pumpernickel you puss face.

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By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

Here in the feisty but not combative offices of The Curmudgeon, we often find ourselves at odds with celebrity bloggers, even when it is us.  Something about our schizophrenia, and of course that people and their beliefs, there likes and dislikes, are very intricate and complicated.  The world is not written in black and white.

And so we find ourselves increasingly detesting Perez Hilton.  We didn’t like him the first time we heard the name, “Perez Hilton.”  I get it!  How genius!  It’s a play on “Paris Hilton!”  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  That this computer worm – this virus of a human – has somehow parlayed it into an Internet phenomenon is beyond my comprehension.  This guy is so self-aggrandizing, so self-important that it is a pleasure to see him punched in the puss, by a Black Eyed Pea no less.  Too bad it wasn’t Fergie herself.

No, he was punched by Pea tour manager, Polo Molina, out side the Cobra club in Toronto after the twit argued with band members Fergie and will i. am.  He started an argument with the band inside the club.  Hilton was there with something called a Lady Gaga when will i. am told him not to write about his band on his site.  That’s all.  It was Pest Hilton who went ballistic who, according to an interview with the AP, said:

He was like ‘You need to respect me.’ He was in my face. He was obviously trying to intimidate me and scare me,” Hilton said. “I was like ‘I don’t need to respect you. I don’t respect you and I did say this, and I knew that it would be the worst thing I could possibly say to him because he was acting the way he was. I said ‘You know what, I don’t respect you and you’re gay and stop being such a faggot.'”  Now I ask you:  who was the offensive one here?

At some point, in a scuffle outside the club undoubtedly caused by Hilton, he got punched in the face by Tour Manager Molina.  Hilton then ran home crying like a little girl,  puling.  It was reported that  “Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, complained about the incident on the microblogging site Twitter. He tweeted at 4 a.m.: ‘I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.'” (AP)   Did you catch his real name up there?  His name is Lavender.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

So he did file a police report (whining baby) and Molina turned himself in.  The Pea must return Aug. 5th presumably to answer the charges, but I think their secretly planning on giving him a good citizen award.

I was thinking of changing my blogging name to Britain Spears.  Whaddaya think?

The next day, Hilton goes off on GLAAD for demanding Hilton apologize the Fa***t word.  Follow the story here.

(Photo Credit:  Black Eyed Peas by MzScarlett, flickr )

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Bo: The First Dog  (Official White House photo by Chuck Kennedy.)

Bo: The First Dog (Official White House photo by Chuck Kennedy.)

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, we can be rather easy to please on occasion, which is why we’re happy to see the official White House portrait of Bo, the Obama Portuguese Water dog, released to the press.  Fuzzy press releases from the occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are nothing new, but Bo’s picture is:  Never before has a  U.S. First Dog been asked to sit (and stay) for an official photograph.

After the photo session, Bo took questions from the assembled reporters.   When asked about the economy, Bo said, “Clearly, the cost of dog biscuits has risen substantially, and in a country such as the United States of America, no dog should go hungry, especially puppies.  We have offered Ralston Purina a 1 Billion bailout.  They are expected to accept the offer and make dog biscuits more available for those canines in need.”  The first dog also spoke on education reform:  “There has been too much emphasis on sit, stay, play dead, and shake hands.  I think there needs to be more attention paid to the classics such as “A Dog’s Tale” by Twain and Jack London’s “Call of the Wild.”

When asked to comment on the Kittykat war, the first dog spoke passionately on the subject:  “The ongoing war between cats and dogs has been around since time immemorialrial, and it’s time it stopped.  Can’t we all just get along?  I am sending in 200,000 more critter catchers to round up the insurgents, and the captives will undergo extensive….um….personality re-education. ”

When asked to comment on reports that he had humped the leg of the First Lady, Michelle Obama, Bo appeared to blush, and then said abruptly, “No comment.  This press conference is over.”  He then bound away towards the white house with secret service agents running behind.

Happy Father’s Day!

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Photo by niko si / flickr

Photo by niko si / flickr

Here in the well-stocked offices of the Curmudgeon, we are often a bit tipsy but never snonkered, and so find today’s story particularly amusing.  Never mind that the pickled person was an attorney – that makes it as sweet as a shot of peppermint schnapps.

Lawyer getting trashed - Fox News

Lawyer getting trashed - Fox News

According to the AP, Larry Wilder, an Indiana lawyer and attorney for the Jeffersonville City Council  went out with friends for dinner and drinks, was driven home in a clients limousine, and doesn’t remember what happened after that.  Ah, the memories, or rather, the lack of memories.  The Curmudgeon doesn’t drink like that any longer, but in his past he did acquire the nickname “Captain Wonder,” as in, “I wonder what the hell I did last night?”  Good times.
A neighbor found the looped lawyer head first in the rubbish bin the next morning and called the cops.  He was cooperative though and no charges were filed since there was no crime.  If it had been you or I, there would have been charges.  Public drunkenness or vagrancy or something – anything – to make our lives just a little more miserable.  Can they charge you for “bin” drinking?  He does have to explain his actions to the City Council though, and that is going to be mighty uncomfortable – or so I’ve been told.

Out With the Trash

Photo by netream / flickr

Photo by netream / flickr

It’s de rigeur to trash lawyers, and it’s not completely unfounded.  After all, they can do some pretty slimy things.  Plus it’s aggravating when you know they created this whole complicated legal thing which only they can navigate through, that they have purposefully made it complicated, and have thereby insured their future employment, and they got it all turned into law!  So when you need one, you need one bad and you just hope he’s a little slimy.  Otherwise, you’re screwed.

Attorney Wilder is not commenting on the matter following the advice of his bums.
So the next time you find yourself magoogled, I hope you find your way back to your nice, warm, comfortable bed.  Otherwise you may find yourself sleeping with the fishes.
Or at least the fish leftovers from somebody’s dinner.

(Photo Credits: Drink cobra, niko si, flickr
drink roadlines, Netream, flickr )

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Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Here in the seasonal offices of The Curmudgeon, things are very scenic.  And I’m not just referring to being on Puget Sound (if that’s where we are…I forget,)  but to the indoor attractions as well.  Things bloom in spring and people dress for the weather, and as the heat goes up so do the skirts.  Even mannequins dress for the weather.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

That’s what happened when a female mannequin was placed outside of a Barbecue establishment in Ohio.  As reported by David Goguen of the Cincinnati Enquirer, the owner of the store placed the mannequin outside as a promotion and appropriately named her BarBe.  She was wearing just a bikini top and Daisy Dukes.  She is a rather attractive mannequin.

“Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” exclaimed the fine citizens.  She was way too

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

“naughty” for their tastes.  So they made a stink about it, but heck, the business at the restaurant is up 40 percent since BarBe started working there, drawing in the customers.  In an interview with the paper,  he “showed off the catalog he picked her out from, saying “She’s got big boobs. That’s why I bought her.”  Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

The locals don’t want the hussy hangin’ out on the street, so they’ll say anything as a reason to get rid of her.   She was declared as “signage” and required a special permit to strut her stuff.  One local told the Enquirer that the sign actually draws “people who are looking for sex.” Woah.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Really?  I wonder if she takes monopoly money?  I guess since there are no actual women available, a meat sandwich will work just fine.  You know…one or the other.

So the store owner put more clothes on BarBe and took her to the Design Review Board.  Barbie, they ruled, could stay – providing she puts her darn clothes on.  So she did.  No word on whether customer numbers or up or down now that BarBe isn’t showing off her unnatural charm and beauty, but I’ll bet the national publicity isn’t hurting.

The owner wasn’t happy with the decision, venting to the Enquirer that BarBe “should be allowed to wear what she wants.”

I think they should just leave BarBe alone.  She is kind of hawt.

I suddenly have a craving for some barbeque.

(Photo credit: All photos by Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer)

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Shaker Heights High School Yearbook

Shaker Heights High School Yearbook

Here in the Curmudgeon Offices we are practical jokers.  We are also big fans of subliminal stuff, like the naked woman hidden on the pack of Camel cigs.  If you combine practical joking with subliminal, we are ecstatic.  When you consider the story of the high school kid who hid the F-word on his school’s yearbook, it fits all the criteria.

An art student in a fancy Cleveland suburb drew a modern interpretation of the school’s “Red Raider” mascot.  Turns out if you hold the book upside down then there it is…the “F” bomb, cleverly hidden in a throng of what appears to be people.

The writing "F*** Yawl"

The writing "F*** Yawl"

It wasn’t long before the word was noticed and then the hub bub begin.  Parents thought it was awful…the kids thought it was funny.  Now the school is putting out a new version with the profanity obscured.  Yeah, good luck getting my copy back.  The art student has already graduated but was brow beaten into making the following apology”

“I cannot begin to explain the miserable feeling I brought upon myself when I betrayed the trust of all of you,” the student wrote, according to a report in the news site Cleveland.com.

Aw, kid.  You disappoint me, but I can see how you felt you had no choice.  It’s the politically correct thing to do.  You pulled off a world-class stunt and got away scot free.  You have a future, son.  Here’s what gets me: the word is not so easy to see.  When you look for yourselves, look for the words “f*** yall.”  I think you have to really, really look for it, so I’m thinking he himself told others about the prank, otherwise, where’s the glory?

I think you really do have a future, kid.

Have you ever thought of politics?

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