Archive for June, 2009

Hermaphrodite Endormi at the Lourve  Photoby Tiquetonne2067/vlickr

Hermaphrodite Endormi at the Lourve Photo by Tiquetonne2067/flickr

Here at The Curmudgeon, I have often written about women and men’s fascination with them, particularly their bodies, perhaps ad nauseam.  I have spent an equal amount of time justifying my apparent compulsion by explaining my belief that if you look at what women are doing, that will tell you a lot about men, and taken together you will learn about our society.

Les Trois Grâces - Jean-Jacques Pradier - 1792-1852  Photo byTiquetonne2067

Les Trois Grâces - Jean-Jacques Pradier - 1792-1852 Photo byTiquetonne2067

I also haven’t shied away from saying that I’m a hound dog and I just plain like looking at women’s bodies.  I’ll say again that this does not make me a perv – though perv I may be – but rather it is simply the way men are hardwired, the same way that ants just do what ants do.  The same is true of women:  we all pretty much are the same as we have always been since time began.

With that crap out of the way, let’s get to the butts.  Women’s butts.  Do guys like ’em?  Yes we do.  Are women concerned with the way their butts look?  Yes they are.  Do both women and men appraise, evaluate, and judge women’s butts?  Certainly.  Which brings me to this news item as reported by UPI.com (United Press International).  In Swansea, Wales, a woman has received a $33,000 grant to create plaster casts of womens buttocks.  No shi_….oh, poor choice of words.

Courtesy of picfor.me

Courtesy of picfor.me

I know why I would want a grant to take plaster casts of women’s buttocks, but why does she?  In her words, “The project is taking on the issues around the bottom and how it is viewed in contemporary culture and viewed by the male,” she said. “For example, it is quite clear that the bottom is sacrosanct to the African man and woman.” (UPI)

Hey, wait a cotton pickin’ minute.  Sacrosanct in African cultures?  I’d say it’s pretty sacrosanct in my culture too.  Just because we don’t write as many songs about our callipygian fetishism, we don’t like butts?  But we do, we do.  No butts about it.  It’s just that instead of saying, “Yo, booty.  She got some junk in her trunk,” we say, “Oh, my, those are shapely buttocks worthy of the great artists of the Renaissance!”  It’s not less passionate…just more classy.

Courtesy of picfor.me

Courtesy of picfor.me

The money for the grant comes from lottery proceeds which are supposed to be used for a good cause, and apparently some people don’t think it’s a good cause at all.  I happen to think it is for a good cause.  I mean, you can throw out all that stuff about buttocks being sacrosanct.  We like ’em and there’s no need to understand why, but simply taking plaster casts of women’s buttocks is a good thing.  I don’t know why.  Maybe because I want to take plaster casts of women’s buttocks and get paid for it.

This makes me think that these butt casts will need some breast casts to go along with them.  When is the deadline for grant submissions in Wales?

File this one under: Why the hell didn’t I think of that.

(Photo Credits:  Top photo, Hermaphrodite Endormi by Tiquetonne2067/flickr /Les Trois Grâces – Jean-Jacques Pradier – 1792-1852 (détail), Tiquetonne2067/flickr

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Here in the sleepy but not comatose offices of The Curmudgeon, I find myself happy that I dragged myself in on a Saturday.  I have been following the rise in piracy for several years, since back when it was a hush hush topic nobody talked about.  Information was more difficult to come by then, but now, every time you turn on the news there’s a new dramatic piracy story.

I have felt the frustration of the ships who are not allowed to carry weapons to defend themselves, and shared their outrage at the sheer audacity of the blackguards.  And now, finally, the tables may be shifting.  A Russian luxury yacht cruise company is offering “Pirate-Hunting” excursions.

Getty images

I kid you not.  The idea is that the luxury yacht – a favorite target for pirates – cruises from Djibouti to Mombasa Kenya at a very slow speed with the hope of attracting a team of scalawags. When the pirates try to take over the ship, they are in for a rude awakening.  Each passenger will be armed with an AK-47 for an additional $17.50 per day on top of the $5000.00 cost of the ticket.  And the accommodations are luxurious as well, all the way down to the origami towels in the staterooms.  And should the passengers be outmatched by the pirates, not to worry: former Special Forces troops are on board for the passengers ultimate protection.

I love this idea and I don’t think I’m the only one.  My instinct tells me they’ll be booked through next pirate-hunting season.  In fact, I think I’ll go myself.  It sounds like a jolly good time, with a little hunting in the morning followed by cocktails on the Lido Deck.  Talking like a pirate and shoulder-sitting parrots are optional, but peg legs are complimentary.

But first, I’ll need some good traveler’s insurance.

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Photo by peachy92 / flickr

Photo by peachy92 / flickr

Here in the pristine but lived-in offices of The Curmudgeon, we like to fund studies.  Why, recently I funded a study called, “What Will Happen if I Drink This Entire Bottle of Scotch.”  I spent a total of $30.00 dollars and conclusively determined to, “never, ever do that again.”  See?  Inexpensive and thorough.  Study closed.  That’s just one of the reasons I like to keep up on studies the government funds.  Often they are “pork” inserted into congressional bills just as by-products are stuffed into a sausage casing, and they are most often absurd.  This one, however, is in the upper echelons of the sublimely ridiculous.

Say It With Science

The U.S. Government is spending $423,500 to study why men don’t like wearing condoms, as documented by ABC news.  The money – to be used by the Kinsey Institute – to “study barriers to correct condom use.”  But it gets better.  In typical Science/Grant lingo, i.e., can you guess what I’m saying, the Kinsey Institute said:

This project aims to advance our understanding of, among other factors, the role of cognitive and affective processes and condom application skills in explaining problems with condom use in young, heterosexual adult men.”

Um…what they said.  Come on.  I already know the answer.  You already know the answer.  As I have heard it explained, wearing a condom is like “taking a shower in a raincoat.”  When the Kinsey Institute was asked to comment, they said, “Woo hoo!”  Actually, they had no comment because their mouths were full.  If they really wanted a scientific answer to this conundrum, the NIH (National Institutes of Health) could have just walked out on the street and asked the first 50 guys they saw.

Aw, Do I Have To?

With the severe economy problems this country is currently experiencing, I think there are better ways this money could have been spent.  Heck, they should have given me the money.  No, I’m serious.  I could’ve just saved them half a mil, so send me some more studies and I’ll solve them at a fraction of the cost.  Why do cattle have a high rate of flatulence?  Because they eat grass all day.  Why do men dislike cutting the grass?  Because they have to feed their cattle.  See?  I just saved the Government 1 million bucks.

ABC spoke with Jazz Shaw, assistant editor for the news blog themoderativevoice.com, and asked him “why, exactly, men often put up a fight when they’re asked to wear a condom, Shaw said the feeling experienced during intercourse is altered — and not for the better — by the condom.”

“The physical sensation is simply not the same,” Shaw said.

I could have told them that.

Note: To all you Don Juans:  Please wear a condom… whether you like it or not.

(Photo Credit: Condoms , Peachy92, flickr )

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Oklahoma City Bombing

Oklahoma City Bombing

Here in the literary but not erudite offices of The Curmudgeon, we come across news items every day that are quite simply screwed up.  They can illustrate not only the wacky society we live in, but how certain freedoms and rights have utterly run amok.  Such is the case with today’s item, which is that Oklahoma City bomber Terry Nichols is suing over bad prison food.

Terry Nichols / MSNBC

Terry Nichols / MSNBC

This is so Fu**ed up it hardly needs my attention.  The food he gets in Colorado’s federal Supermax Prison apparently doesn’t meet his high standards, and he wants a court appointed lawyer to represent his case.  You and I will pay for that as well.  According the the AP, who reported on this disgusting matter, Nichols claims the food is causing him to “sin against God” because he doesn’t get enough whole grains and fresh food.  Um…what kind of sin are we talking about here?  Doing the nasty in prison or murdering 168 people?

Colorado federal Supermax Prison

Colorado federal Supermax Prison

I would make a joke here about maybe if I got more whole grain foods I would sin less too, but frankly, I’m not feeling funny.  There isn’t much information yet available and the U.S. Attorney’s office in Denver did not immediately return calls to the AP.

Here’s about all I have to say:  I know of 168 people should have it as good as you.  Your room and board is paid for with three hots a day, and apparently you get to sin too.  I’m not going to turn this into an argument for the death penalty (although I could),  but at the very least, you should spend your days tied to a chain in the hot sun smashing rocks with a sledge hammer, and for dinner, rancid, rotten, maggot-infested meat is too good for you.

Let’s stop this nonsense now.  Every prisoner thinks they can use the system which they have already rejected.

A cell in CO. supermax prison

A cell in CO. supermax prison

Punish this guy Nichols for his outrageous arrogance.  Make any prisoner who brings an absurd lawsuit shake with fear every time they think about doing it again, and thereby provide an example to other prisoners who are readying their stupid lawsuits even as I write this.

As my favorite lawman, Barney Fife would say, “We’ve got to nip it!   Nip it in the bud!”

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Black Eyed Peas comin/ to get you, Paris Hilton.  Run away, run away!

Black Eyed Peas comin' to get you, Perez Hilton. Run away, run away!

Here in the chic offices of The Curmudgeon, we are thorough but overworked.  That’s why we welcome tips from friends, neighbors, relatives, readers, the local police department, and our priest – if we had one.  So today I am writing a follow-up to yesterdays Perez Hilton farce – which I rarely do – thanks to this tip from friend, colleague, fellow college alum (Harvard – but don’t bother checking: I’m pretty sure they lost our records,) and a fantastic writer himself, Paul Sagan.  If he were a priest he’d have all the bases covered.  He offered todays tip, which is, in a nutshell, Perez Hilton is living in some kind of insane fantasy world where he is the king.  We kind of knew that, but hear me out.

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Assimilation Association Disorder…okay, I made that up.  It’s Alliance Against Defamation) stated that while they condemned any attack on Hilton –  and they acknowledge that there aren’t a lot of facts available – they mostly asked that Hilton apologize for using the F word, namely, fa***t.

Hilton is outraged, of course.  Peons don’t ask the King to apologize, don’t you know.  So what does he do?  He pules (whines and whimpers) some more, now DEMANDING an apology from GLAAD for taking the situation further (read: daring to criticize the King.)

Here is what the germ said:

I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Gawd, can I go back to my own planet yet?  Surely my work here is done.  We’re still not sure exactly what happened in the first place, but the gist is that Black Eyed Pea member will i. am asked or told Hilton not to write about the band on his website any more, Hilton having been derogatory about their most recent album.  Possibly, will I. am got his face close to Hilton’s when he said this, but they were in a night club.  You ever try talking to anybody in a loud nightclub?  This sent Hilton into an unreasonable tirade which you can read in yesterdays post.

Hilton claims he felt threatened by will. i. am.  No doubt.  Will i. am is black and we all know how scary it can be to be close to a black man.  You never know what could happen?  He could pull out a knife or bust a cap in is powdery ass.  Lordy, lordy, everybody run, it’s a black man!  Give me a break.  Hilton is so white bread he grew up inside a Wonder bag.

This is what really pisses me off.  In our society, you are allowed to say whatever you want to somebody’s face, no matter how offensive, mean, or insulting it may be.  But you are not allowed to punch them in the face if they do.  I’m sorry, but this is wrong.  Words can hurt and wound as much as violence.  If Hilton goes off on me (how dare him!  I am the real King!) then that gives me the right to punch him in his horrid face…or it should.  The only question here should not be who struck who first, but who started the ugly part, whether by word or deed.  As far as the smack to the kisser, the only question to consider is “did he deserve it.”  Yes.  He did.  He deserved worse.  The point is, if you can’t deal with the fight that ensues, then shut your mouth.  Check out the National News story video below, which has it pretty much right, and also perfectly demonstrates what it means to be mewling and puling.

Hopefully, I am done with Perez Hilton, and he will dissolve back into the primordial ooze from which he crawled in the first place where he can continue his crybaby act.  I’m going to make a sandwich, not on wonder bread, but on Pumpernickel you puss face.

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By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

Here in the feisty but not combative offices of The Curmudgeon, we often find ourselves at odds with celebrity bloggers, even when it is us.  Something about our schizophrenia, and of course that people and their beliefs, there likes and dislikes, are very intricate and complicated.  The world is not written in black and white.

And so we find ourselves increasingly detesting Perez Hilton.  We didn’t like him the first time we heard the name, “Perez Hilton.”  I get it!  How genius!  It’s a play on “Paris Hilton!”  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  That this computer worm – this virus of a human – has somehow parlayed it into an Internet phenomenon is beyond my comprehension.  This guy is so self-aggrandizing, so self-important that it is a pleasure to see him punched in the puss, by a Black Eyed Pea no less.  Too bad it wasn’t Fergie herself.

No, he was punched by Pea tour manager, Polo Molina, out side the Cobra club in Toronto after the twit argued with band members Fergie and will i. am.  He started an argument with the band inside the club.  Hilton was there with something called a Lady Gaga when will i. am told him not to write about his band on his site.  That’s all.  It was Pest Hilton who went ballistic who, according to an interview with the AP, said:

He was like ‘You need to respect me.’ He was in my face. He was obviously trying to intimidate me and scare me,” Hilton said. “I was like ‘I don’t need to respect you. I don’t respect you and I did say this, and I knew that it would be the worst thing I could possibly say to him because he was acting the way he was. I said ‘You know what, I don’t respect you and you’re gay and stop being such a faggot.'”  Now I ask you:  who was the offensive one here?

At some point, in a scuffle outside the club undoubtedly caused by Hilton, he got punched in the face by Tour Manager Molina.  Hilton then ran home crying like a little girl,  puling.  It was reported that  “Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, complained about the incident on the microblogging site Twitter. He tweeted at 4 a.m.: ‘I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.'” (AP)   Did you catch his real name up there?  His name is Lavender.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

So he did file a police report (whining baby) and Molina turned himself in.  The Pea must return Aug. 5th presumably to answer the charges, but I think their secretly planning on giving him a good citizen award.

I was thinking of changing my blogging name to Britain Spears.  Whaddaya think?

The next day, Hilton goes off on GLAAD for demanding Hilton apologize the Fa***t word.  Follow the story here.

(Photo Credit:  Black Eyed Peas by MzScarlett, flickr )

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Bo: The First Dog  (Official White House photo by Chuck Kennedy.)

Bo: The First Dog (Official White House photo by Chuck Kennedy.)

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, we can be rather easy to please on occasion, which is why we’re happy to see the official White House portrait of Bo, the Obama Portuguese Water dog, released to the press.  Fuzzy press releases from the occupants of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue are nothing new, but Bo’s picture is:  Never before has a  U.S. First Dog been asked to sit (and stay) for an official photograph.

After the photo session, Bo took questions from the assembled reporters.   When asked about the economy, Bo said, “Clearly, the cost of dog biscuits has risen substantially, and in a country such as the United States of America, no dog should go hungry, especially puppies.  We have offered Ralston Purina a 1 Billion bailout.  They are expected to accept the offer and make dog biscuits more available for those canines in need.”  The first dog also spoke on education reform:  “There has been too much emphasis on sit, stay, play dead, and shake hands.  I think there needs to be more attention paid to the classics such as “A Dog’s Tale” by Twain and Jack London’s “Call of the Wild.”

When asked to comment on the Kittykat war, the first dog spoke passionately on the subject:  “The ongoing war between cats and dogs has been around since time immemorialrial, and it’s time it stopped.  Can’t we all just get along?  I am sending in 200,000 more critter catchers to round up the insurgents, and the captives will undergo extensive….um….personality re-education. ”

When asked to comment on reports that he had humped the leg of the First Lady, Michelle Obama, Bo appeared to blush, and then said abruptly, “No comment.  This press conference is over.”  He then bound away towards the white house with secret service agents running behind.

Happy Father’s Day!

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