Archive for April, 2009


glowsticks by frodobabbs on flickr.

Here in The Curmudgeon offices we are currently amused but skeptical.  Sometimes, in my never-ending quest searching for what is new, different, and hopefully perverted, I came across this entry in the Urban Dictionary:

Glomosexual:  a girl who uses glowsticks as a dildo.  “Alicia got off whenever she looked at a glowstick, because she was a glomosexual.”

I kid you not.  But is it real?  Or is somebody pulling our collective glowsticks?

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

glowsticks by onesevenone on flickr

Now, I like the Urban Dictionary, but it must be taken with a grain of salt and a dash of humor.  Like Wikipedia, it is written by common folk, and what you read there isn’t necessarily the truth.  That doesn’t mean that there isn’t lots of truth there, just that you have to decide what is real and what is a joke.  The Urban Dictionary can be very beneficial when you come across some slang you are unfamiliar with or one of those stupid LOL acronyms everyone uses now-a-days.

Just recently I looked up ROFLSCOMN, which translates to “rolling on floor laughing while spewing coke out my nose.”  Ok, it doesn’t.  I made that up, but I would appreciate if everyone started using it and let’s see if we can start a thing.

So let us examine this word,  glowmosexual.  We see under the definition that it was submitted by one Alicia Morgan.  So we click on her name and it takes us to her other entries.  They are:

Snowmosexual:  Somebody who has sex with snowmen:  “Alicia thrust the snowman’s icicle deep inside of herself in an act of snowmosexual intercourse.”

Debtorosexual:  Someone who gets off on forcing people that owe them money to do sexual favors for them.  “Alicia’s tenants owed her some back rent money, so she forced them to have debtorosexual group sex with her in order to pay it off.

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

glowsticks by strawberriecake on flickr

I found no other places which described or even used the word glomosexual that weren’t directly related to the Urban Dictionary.  I think we can know assume it is not a real slang word, but one clearly coined by Ms. Morgan.

Does this anger me?  No.  It does not.  It doesn’t piss me off because it’s funny.  As for the possibility of using a glowstick for masturbation, so what?   They have dildo’s that glow in the dark already.  I have heard of women using a zucchini.  Whatever yens your yang is my motto.  I think Ms. Morgan (or whatever her real name is) would make a great date.  She is one funny chick.  We could discuss my new word:  Slowmosexual: One who records themselves having sex and then plays it back in slow motion, thereby making it appear as though they actually lasted more that 30 seconds.

If anyone knows Alicia Morgan have her give me a call.  Whatever yens your yang, baby!

(PHOTO CREDITS:  Top to bottom;  Glowsticks, FrodoBabs, flickr;  Glowsticks, strawberriecakes, flickr; Glowsticks, onesevenone, flickr.)

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A Shiba Inu dog.

A Shiba Inu dog.

Here in the pet-friendly offices of The Curmudgeon, we are pissed off but not ballistic. This item is hot off the news wire, courtesy of the AP:

“BOULDER, Colo. (April 16) – Police say a Colorado woman wrapped her boyfriend’s dog in packing tape and stuck the animal upside down to a refrigerator because he wouldn’t get rid of it.”  I reacted to this disturbing and disagreeable news in my usual, self-controlled, dignified manner by saying WTF?  Huh?

Sorry, but I don’t cotton to nobody, no how, tapin’ no dog to the fridge.  Uh-uh.  I like dogs.  I like them a lot.  Now if it had been a cat that would be different. (Not really.  I have a cat and he’s a prick but he’s my prick.)  This begs two questions:  Why did Ms. Dumb ass tape a dog to the fridge and what kind of tape did she use?

Seems the dumb broad, one Abby Toll,  got into a fight with her boyfriend over the dog, which she wanted to get rid of and the boyfriend did not.  So, she did what any crazy woman would do: she got out the packing tape (I would have bet money on duct tape) and bound the legs, snout and tail of the dog, who was cleverly named Rex.  The canine was a Japanese breed called a Shiba Inu, which are apparantly calm, kind natured, and good with children and crazy chicks. And they ain’t scared of no packing tape.

The stupid Ho was charged with felony cruelty, drug possession and other counts.  She is currently free on $12,500 bond and has declined to comment when questioned by the Curmudgeon, but she did growl and then whimper, I swear.  I don’t like this “free” business.  Seem like at least they could tape her to the fridge to await trial.  The boyfriend was also charged, but only with a misdemeanor cruelty count, presumably for not stopping the pudding-brained woman from taping the dog to the Frigidaire in the first place.

At least Rex was saved.  He is now in an animal shelter and will be put up for adoption.  I hope they throw the doggy training manual at this chick.  I’ll tell you what, she should be sentenced to a year in the dog pound, forced to live in a tiny cage, and eat cut-rate dog food from a bowl.  It’s only fair.

So what’s the answer to the question, “Which one’s the bitch?”  Clearly Rex is a male and just as clearly, the dumb Ho is a bitch.  But you didn’t really need me to tell you that.

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Here in the expansive but not dilatent offices of The Curmudgeon, we have been most occupied with the notion of  “muffin tops.”  These are not the muffin tops that you eat (usually) or that they make Seinfield episodes about, but rather the human muffin tops displayed when someone wears a too-tight piece of clothing around their hips causing fatty tissue to “spill” over the top, like a muffin.  Use it in a sentence thusly:  “Wow!  Check out the muffin top on that chick!
Certainly men can have a muffin top too, but you and me, society and culture as a whole are only concerned with women.  We admire them.  We loathe them.  We study them.  We praise and criticize them.  We paste their pictures in the trashy gossip mags and scrutinize them, and that’s what you do, sister.   Men take all the flack, but women are the drive behind this physical examination of females.  I have said in the past that by studying women you will learn about men, and more about our culture than you ever considered.  So…let’s consider the muffin top.

The Heavy Bran Muffin or the Delicate Blueberry?

Obviously, heavier women are more easily “muffin topped,”  (Can I verb that?)  but any female can get one.  Unless, of course, you are one of these ultra-thin runway models who are more androgynous than womanly, if you ask me,.  How the fashion industry gets away with pushing this waif, half-starved, “scuse me mister, got a farthing so a girl can buy a bit of bread”  image on us is beyond my comprehension.  muffingood6

Notice too that I have avoided saying whether the muffin top is good or bad.  It is almost universally described as bad, as in “dreaded muffin top.”  I, however, think the muffin top could go either way.  Some women clearly should put some clothes on.  But others…well, lets just say I am like the trained dog on a walk with his master, never leaving my “heeled” position, who suddenly sees a female dog with the sun shining in her fur, who cannot move, but simply cocks his head as if to say, “Huh?”  Obviously, there are different degrees, and I have labored to show examples that are not too extreme.

Where the Muffin Top Came From

The term “muffin top” was coined by Kath and Kim, the Australian comediennes.  The condition of “muffin toppedness” began during the late 60’s to early 70’s with the introduction of low-rise and hip hugger pants.  They defied the true female form, which forced the skin and fat around her waist, back, and buttocks to spill out over the top.  Women are supposed to have a little extra there.  Add a crop top and you get the full effect.
Mercifully or not, depending on your outlook, the low-rise/hip huggers went the way of beehive hairdo, but as the wise old saying goes:  remember – history – condemned – repeat.   So low-rise pants came back, this time escorted by mid-riff tops.   It was during the mid to late 90’s, but there was actually a theory behind it this time.  The idea was to make the woman’s torso appear longer, and thereby thinner, than it actually was.  And it all came from trying to adapt men’s pants to women.

Whoops, The Muffin Top is Born

Men’s pants normally have lower waists and men have naturally longer torsos, narrower hips, and smaller pelvis’.  “Hey,” exclaimed the fashion industry, “let’s adapt men’s pants to women and then they’ll appear to have longer torsos too!”  And so muffin tops were born.  Fashion industry goes wrong…again.   The odd thing is, muffin tops are still prevalent today.  What I wonder is why women are still sporting the look, regardless of it’s social stigmatism?  Will they buy and wear anything as long as it’s popular or the fashion industry tells them to?  If this is true, why won’t they dress the way I tell them to?  “Here honey, put on the French Maid outfit.”  (Actually, that works for me every time, so if your gal won’t do that for you then you have a problem.)muffinundecided-1

Men, I think it is fair to say, will have varied opinions on the muffin top.  Some guys love it always, I’m sure, and they can probably be classified as “chubby chasers” or “fat freaks.”  Other men will always find the look awful, and can probably be described as…let me see…homosexual.   The majority of men will share my opinion however, with our individual proclivities filtering the good from the bad.  After all, you could probably squeeze Beyonce’,  Charlize Theron and Kate Winslet into a muffin top, and that’s just good, wholesome, tasty goodness.

Three muffins are better than one.  malingerer - flickr

Three muffins are better than one. malingerer - flickr

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