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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Here in the mysterious offices of The Curmudgeon, we have investigated many a murder and suspicious death, though seldom do we have photographic evidence of the crime.  But that’s just what Google’s Street View got when photographing a street in Britain.  The picture was posted on the Internet as part of the service and raised some eyebrows…and the dead. Seems the image was of ten-year-old Azura Beebeejaun who was ‘playing dead’ outside her home in Middle Road, Worcester.

Unaware that it was a game of Possum, locals became so concerned over the image that they called the Internet firm and the local newspaper.  The picture had actually been taken the previous summer.  The girl said, “I didn’t know anything about the Google Street View car (recording me). I fell over while I was playing with my friend and thought it would be funny to play dead.”  Well, it is funny Azura, wish I had done it myself.

The Google Street View service offers 360-degree views of streets, allowing users to see the actual streets in a neighborhood.  Google uses cars fitted with panoramic camera’s on their roofs to capture the images.  I always wondered how they did it.  I thought it was camera toting leprechauns, but no such luck.  If it were, we’d get some mighty interesting pictures.  Leprechauns are kind of cheeky, you know.  You might get a little Peeping Tom action, or in this case, Google Oogling.

A youth worker acquainted with Azura said, “I just wish she was that quiet all the time.” A Google spokesoogler said, “This is why we have put in place tools so that if people see what they believe to be inappropriate, they can report them to us using the simple reporting tool and the images will be quickly removed or further blurring applied.”

It’s not the first controversy Google has encountered over the service.  Last year British users complained about invasion of privacy, forcing Google to remove hundreds of photographs.  Germany launched an inquiry into whether Google had their special “oogle view” cars adapted to also map internet connections in homes around the world to help it sell adverts, using the signals which spill from inside homes on to the street.   This information lets Google send mobile phone users adverts for
nearby restaurants, shops and other services through its Google Maps application, collecting a fee every time a user clicks on an advert.

As a result of that inquiry, Australia, South Korea, France, Germany, Canada and America launched investigations after Street View cars collected private data sent from the unprotected home wi-fi
connections.    Ooooo, Google, you’re such naughty, naughty boys!  I had no idea you would resort to such sneaky business!

I’ve filed my own lawsuit…for not initiating Leprechaunic Oogle View.

(Some information for the story came from The Daily Mail, United Kingdom.)

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Here in the callipygian offices of The Curmudgeon, we are appreciative of the female form, all shapes and sizes, and not limited to only desiring one body type. There is much beauty to be seen, if you’d only look with an open mind.

Sumlee Anderson: You've got to admit, that looks mighty interesting!

There are some men however that have a predictilation toward a large posterior, which is fine with me, whatever makes your thermometer rise. But there is now another dangerous trend just now developing. The trend I speak of is Booty Pop Underwear. This is panties that make women appear to have a larger behind than they actually have. The purpose of said panties is arguably to attract men, just like the miracle bra before them.

This is blatant false advertising. Should you find yourselves in a romantic situation, the thing that attracted the man to you in the first place turns out to be an illusion. This can be compared to a man who stuffs his underwear with a pair of socks. The woman think he has a big deli dill pickle and he turns out to have nothing more than a little sweet gherkin. You would not be pleased at the hocus pocus, would you ladies? I think not, so why do you insist on doing the same to men (or maybe to make other women jealous.) I don’t even want to get started on breast enlargements, but at least they’re actually there, real or not. Your new big bottom won’t be, in the same way that your miracle bra’d chest isn’t really there.

Of course the bottom line (Ha! I said bottom) is I don’t really care. It’s kind of funny, both men’s desire for an extra-large bottom and the women that pretend to have them. It wasn’t all that long ago that a big bottom was an object of ridicule. I don’t mind them either. Sometime, I rather like them. There’s just more, you know, and more is a good thing.

I like big butts and I cannot lie,

A big butt can make me cry,

You can do push up and sit ups,

But please don’t loose that butt

Or something like that.

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Here in the highly fashionable offices of The Curmudgeon, we have an open dress policy.  Not just casual Fridays, but casual everyday of the week if you feel like it, or dress up big time if that floats your boat.  Without exception, the ladies wear comfortable shoes, some even wearing tennis shoes, which is what I wear so how could I expect different from an employees?  Oh, sometimes the ladies dress up in high-heels and whatnot at the end of the day when they’re heading out for a date, or whatever it is they do out there in the cruel world, and I must confess that they look hot in those 4 inch pumps, but all day long?  Never.

That is why the following story caught my interest:  In the UK, teenage girls are being taught how to wear high-heels in a college government funded course.  The 6-week course is called Sexy Heels In The City and costs L150 ($268.02) at London’s South Thames College.  Oh, and the class also gives lessons on how to carry designer handbags.  Well, of course it does!

According to instructor Chyna Whyne – a Jamaican London gal who writes, composes, and cut’s albums in a sort of Reggae Pop style , “At some point, girls from the age of 15 upwards will start wanting to wear high heels,” she said.  “The earlier younger ladies learn how to walk in heels, the better it’s going to be in the long run – with business and social lives.”  Okay…sure. Just Google her name and you’ll get some songs and videos you can listen to.  She’s legit.

My guess is if this class is successful there will be others.  Coming next will be Styling You Own Hair to Make Men Hot, Make-Up Secrets, and A Real Woman Has Long Nails.  Then the graduate course, How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed.  I can’t imagine what that one will be about.  How to snore maybe?  That would drive me crazy.

I think it’s a great idea.  Let’s doll the little ladies up so they can make our tongues wag.  It’s about time we encouraged women to be real women again.  No more of this butch stuff.  Teach ’em to wiggle when they walk and stick their chests out. (Oh, I’m gonna hear about this!)  I wonder if this course could ever happen in the U.S.?

Somehow, I don’t think so.  Oh well.  As Aerosmith said:

Walk This Way

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Here in the top secret offices of The Curmudgeon, we are constantly on the lookout for spies.  I am particularly suspicious of bugs, expecting them to be little robotic creatures equipped with cameras and recording equipment.  This is just the type of corporate espionage some of our competitors would engage in, such as the site All Stupid Things and Important Stuff Ignored.  Naturally, countries are known for spying on another, for example, Pakistan and India.

To support this accusation, India has arrested a spy from Pakistan.  Or so they say.  The spy is being held under armed guard. No one is allowed to visit the prisoner, being held in an air-conditioned room (bloody nice of them – with the heat in India and all), and probably kept in a cell.  More like a cage, really.  Appropriate, because the spy is a pigeon.

The pigeon was found by a local resident with a ring around it’s foot and a Pakistani phone number and address stamped on his body.  The Pigeon carried a message, though no note has been found.  Local pigeon fanciers said that Pakistani pigeons are easily identifiable as they look different from Indian ones.  Maybe the pigeon speaks Urdu instead of Hindi. In any case, senior officers are taking it seriously and have ordered they be updated 3 times a day.  So far, the updates say, “Pigeon still won’t talk. Just that incessant cooing.”

What I can’t comprehend is how the pigeon could go back to Pakistan and report his findings?  Unless, of course another spy – a human one – would tie another message to it to be delivered.  But that’s ridiculous.  India is a free society, with cell phones and the Internet and everything.  Surely there are better ways to communicate with Pakistan?

I’ll say this though. Things are getting desperate when a country uses carrier pigeons for spying.  I thought that went out with World War II.  But it’s not so strange to think about spying Pigeons. Iran arrested two pigeons they said were spying on a nuclear facility just in October, 2008. We all know how logical and sensible Iran is. Naturally, they accused the United States, and believe the bands around the pigeons feet are actually communication devices.  Ah ha!  Now we’re getting somewhere. Although they can’t figure out how they work, Iran is sure the bands somehow communicate with the U.S.  Sound familiar?

Very close to robotic spying bugs. Stranger things have happened.

(Some information for this story came from Breitbart.com and the London Daily Mail.)

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The Amityville House on which the book, then the movie was based.

Here in the impetuous offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we are often shooting off of figurative mouths about the latest PETA absurdity, with this caveat: we are pro-animal rights.  I do not want any more forests to be taken for wood, or the rainforest clear-cut so someone can try to grow potatoes, or any species should face extinction, etcetera, etcetera, but PETA is beyond the bounds of crazy behavior.

Much have I written about them, including their Florida billboards with pictures of fat humans and the slogan, “SAVE THE WHALES; Lose the Blubber – Go Vegetarian.”  Or their recent outrage over a destructive squirrel who was caught in a trap on a home’s roof and spent a little too long in the hot sun, or their supposed outrage over Puxatawney Phil, the famous shadow seeing ground hog. They thought Phil was abused performing for the cameras like that, and suggested an animatronic groundhog instead.

Now they’re at it again.  This time, they want to lease the Amityville house of horror (Currently up for sale for 1.15 million).  They want to turn it into a meat-eaters house of horror.  PETA vice-president Tracy Reiman wrote to the present owners, “In our horror house, the sound of slaughterhouse blades whirring while animals scream for their lives would play over loudspeakers.” And the letter went on: “Visitors would be able to see animatronic hens struggling for space inside tiny battery cages and lifelike “fish” gasping for air as they slowly suffocate on the deck of a fishing boat.”

You didn’t think the wackos would stop there, did you?  Oh no, not by a long shot.  Visitors would be subjected, er…treated to a smorgasbord of tasty visual delights, like branding irons and an electrified cow prod and the opportunity to be locked in a small pig crate.  And don’t leave without a special souvenir.  I suggest a doll that resembles a crazed,  knife-wielding Ronald MacDonald.  No kidding.

And you can’t leave without dining in the zero star Cruelty-Free Cafe, featuring delicious, mouth watering vegan food, such as protein-packed mock chicken and faux ribs.  See the irony of that?  Their so-called delicious food tries to resemble meat.  Why not just serve the vegetables instead of trying to pass it off as meat? Is it because meat is delicious and that’s what people like to eat?

Sounds like a lovely afternoon, and I’m booking my tickets as soon as it’s official.  My main beef is I love me some meat.  Steaks, chops, chicken, ribs, and fish, broiled, smoked, braised, baked, grilled, and roasted.  Don’t get in my way, PETA, I’m warning you.  I’ll mess you up, because your game is easy to play.
Of course, the neighbors are thrilled with the prospect of PETA moving into the home, which is best summed up by a neighbor way back in 1999, when he told the N.Y. Daily News that the movie “…screwed up the whole neighborhood.”  Well, just wait until PETA moves in.

Talk about screwed up.

(Information for this story came from the N.Y.Daily News.)

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Picture of "Killer," the Super Squirrel

Here in the animal-loving offices of The Curmudgeon, we have a great respect for other creatures.  One notable exception is the common tree squirrel.  Oh sure, they’re cute and fuzzy as they prance across your lawn and into the tree, to the branch, to the electric line, to the roof of your house, and then chewing their mischievous way through the eaves and into your attic and…hey!  See?  That’s the problem with squirrels.  They’re just destructive, disgusting rodents.  Rats with fur.

I have had some epic battles with squirrels, but nothing like that experienced by a couple in Cleveland.  They were trapped in their house by a squirrel.  A particularly mean squirrel.  He was one bad motherfu (shut your mouth) jus’ talkin’ bout squirrel.  This squirrel – we’ll call him “Killer” –  was running full blast and hurling himself at the garage door, apparently intent on gaining entry.  Every time the couple tried to escape the house, Killer came charging at them, crashing into the door as they closed it just in time.

Killer was clearly nuts, so the police were summoned to free the couple.  No word on how this was accomplished.  If they summoned an animal control specialist to capture the squirrel humanely and release it in the local park, then why are they keeping it secret?  Perhaps Killer, upon being released, turned and attacked the handler, biting him on about the neck and face infecting him with rabies.  No, I think not.  My theory is that the police shot the squirrel, and then planted their “drop gun” at the scene to make it appear as though Killer were about to fire at them.  That is why it is secret, because if PETA got a hold of that story they’d be all over it like mange on a squirrel.

That would certainly be the fastest, most economical way to deal with the problem, and it’s a good deed too.

The world can always do with one less squirrel.

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