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Archive for the ‘Humor Me’ Category

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Here in the tolerant offices of The Curmudgeon, we get our share of letters from persons who appear to be nuts.  But sometimes, looking past the obvious reveals a diamond of insight and brilliance.  We recently received such a letter in response to our post,“Killer” Squirrel Traps Couple in House, located directly below this one, and reprint it here along with our reply.

Dear Mr Curmudgeon,

I think it’s such a shame that such a cute looking animal can have such a nasty side and a poor reputation. What an awful waste of visual cuteness.

Maybe someone somewhere could set up an internet course for squirrels on how they can improve their behavior. There are courses for everything online these days, so why not give squirrels a chance to turn themselves around. Or does that sound nuts?

Dear Esteemed Mr. Witto,

A shame indeed, because squirrels can be awfully cute.  I don’t think you’re nuts, and if you are, remember that some of the greatest minds in history were considered nuts.  Pasteur and his germ theory of disease, the Wright brothers and their flying machine, and myself and my theory that the first part of the second part equals the last part of the fourth part.  “Ridiculous!” they said.  “Indecipherable!” they wailed.  And now, Mr. Witto, your theory that squirrels can be rehabilitated with an Internet course on Squirrel Behavior Modification.

We all – you and me and other great minds – have been tagged with simple-minded analogies such as they/they’ve/they’re elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor; not the sharpest knife in the drawer; are not playing with a full deck: 1 slice short of a loaf; a sandwich short of a picnic; got only one oar in the water; a brick short of a load;  gone off their rocker; have a screw loose; goofy in the head, and labels like crazy, wacko, whack job, loony, insane, bonkers, lulu head, cuckoo, crackers, loopy, dunder head, nut job, nut case, nutty, and just plain nuts.

Another example – which I believe you are familiar with, Mr. Witto – was the recent notion that a site could be assembled with the wittiest minds of our generation from all over the world who are available for hire to those seeking the services of witty writers.  “It can’t be done,” and “impossible,” the naysayers said, and yet just such a site has been created.  If someone were to go to The Wittery and post their job, they would find these talented, funny individuals vying for the honor of performing these jobs, and one might even find myself there, though I go under a different name, a Christopher something or other, I forget.  They could read profiles of these writers and their samples, or visit the Wittery blog for a hearty laugh.

And now comes your brilliant idea to offer squirrels an Internet course for Behavior Modification.  I can picture it in my advanced mind and see it broken down into several courses designed to save the squirrel from mass loathing, shooting, hunting, skinning, and even being eaten by those so inclined to eat the disgusting little beasts.  The classes, as I initially envision them, would be broken down thusly.

1. Bird Seed Ain’t Squirrel Food: Stay Out of That Feeder
Explores the detrimental effect of squirrels breaking into bird feeders to stuff their greedy mouths.
2. Chewing Through Wood and Plastic Harms Squirrel Teeth
How chewing through items breaks buck teeth and leads to tooth decay.
3. Attics Are Horrible Places to Live
Attics are haunted and frightening and ghosts will eat your babies.
4. Trash Bins are Poison
Squirrels will suffer deformity if they venture into trash bins.
5. Chewing Through Wires: The Shocking Truth
Dangers of electrocution and fires.
6. Cartoon Behavior 101
Squirrels will study cartoons from Disney and Warner Bros. depicting cutesy, furry, loveable creatures and how to emulate this behavior.

As you can see, Mr. Witto, I have put no small amount of thought into your idea.  I think I’ll start the Internet course myself.  I can hear the tippy tapping of little squirrel paws typing away on their keyboards, and I hear the ringing of bells – the bells of the cash register as I rake in millions.  Naturally, you’ll receive full credit and a generous portion of the profits.

So thank you, Sir.  Together, we’ll create a new generation of squirrels, that are lovable, cute, and loved by men, women, and children everywhere.

With much gratitude and admiration,

Crusty

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A 40 year-old inmate at Mississippi State Prison secretly dug his way out of his cell using an 8-ton Cat backhoe, prison officials said Tuesday.  The inmate, Roscoe Lee James Obidiah “Bucky” Robinson is thought to have tunneled his way out slowly over a period of 10 years.  The escape was discovered by prison officials during a routine bed check.

“We just can’t figure out where he’s been hiding that sucker.  I mean, a backhoe is pretty darn big,” said prison spokesperson John Diddleheimer.  “He might have been keeping it under his mattress and we just thought it was lumpy.”

The large hole was discovered at 6:00 AM, and led down three floors and through the back wall of the prison.  The wall was reinforced concrete 2 feet thick and thought to be escape proof.  The backhoe was found nearby.  Bloodhounds, search teams, and helicopters were dispatched but failed to locate the felon.

“It’s like he just disappeared…like a regular David Copperfield.”  Copperfield is a famous magician best known for making the Statue of Liberty and the country of Persia disappear.

Further investigation revealed Robinson had checked out the book, “How to be a Hypnotist,” on several occasions from the prison library, and one theory suggests he “hypnotized” guards whenever they entered his cell.  Further infuriating officials was speculation about where Robinson got the backhoe in the first place.

“The only thing I can think of is his girlfriend smuggled it to him inside a cake,” Diddleheimer said.  “She was kind of burly, like she could hold her own in a bar fight.”

Mississippi State Prison is no stranger to daring escapes and controversy.  In 2007, 11 inmates walked out of prison dressed as the football team the Miami Dolphins, and in 2009 several inmates drove out on minibikes and miniature cars dressed as circus clowns.

Robinson was serving 15 to 20 years for illegal possession of a dictionary, a felony in Mississippi.

“We’re reviewing and tightening our security measures so this type of thing can’t happen again,” spokesperson Diddleheimer said.  “Furthermore, guards will be warned to be on the lookout for not only backhoes, but for dump trucks and Zamboni’s too.”

In an unrelated story, the Mississippi Municipal airport located next to the prison reported a missing 747 jumbo jet.

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