Posts Tagged ‘will i. am’

Black Eyed Peas comin/ to get you, Paris Hilton.  Run away, run away!

Black Eyed Peas comin' to get you, Perez Hilton. Run away, run away!

Here in the chic offices of The Curmudgeon, we are thorough but overworked.  That’s why we welcome tips from friends, neighbors, relatives, readers, the local police department, and our priest – if we had one.  So today I am writing a follow-up to yesterdays Perez Hilton farce – which I rarely do – thanks to this tip from friend, colleague, fellow college alum (Harvard – but don’t bother checking: I’m pretty sure they lost our records,) and a fantastic writer himself, Paul Sagan.  If he were a priest he’d have all the bases covered.  He offered todays tip, which is, in a nutshell, Perez Hilton is living in some kind of insane fantasy world where he is the king.  We kind of knew that, but hear me out.

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Assimilation Association Disorder…okay, I made that up.  It’s Alliance Against Defamation) stated that while they condemned any attack on Hilton –  and they acknowledge that there aren’t a lot of facts available – they mostly asked that Hilton apologize for using the F word, namely, fa***t.

Hilton is outraged, of course.  Peons don’t ask the King to apologize, don’t you know.  So what does he do?  He pules (whines and whimpers) some more, now DEMANDING an apology from GLAAD for taking the situation further (read: daring to criticize the King.)

Here is what the germ said:

I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Gawd, can I go back to my own planet yet?  Surely my work here is done.  We’re still not sure exactly what happened in the first place, but the gist is that Black Eyed Pea member will i. am asked or told Hilton not to write about the band on his website any more, Hilton having been derogatory about their most recent album.  Possibly, will I. am got his face close to Hilton’s when he said this, but they were in a night club.  You ever try talking to anybody in a loud nightclub?  This sent Hilton into an unreasonable tirade which you can read in yesterdays post.

Hilton claims he felt threatened by will. i. am.  No doubt.  Will i. am is black and we all know how scary it can be to be close to a black man.  You never know what could happen?  He could pull out a knife or bust a cap in is powdery ass.  Lordy, lordy, everybody run, it’s a black man!  Give me a break.  Hilton is so white bread he grew up inside a Wonder bag.

This is what really pisses me off.  In our society, you are allowed to say whatever you want to somebody’s face, no matter how offensive, mean, or insulting it may be.  But you are not allowed to punch them in the face if they do.  I’m sorry, but this is wrong.  Words can hurt and wound as much as violence.  If Hilton goes off on me (how dare him!  I am the real King!) then that gives me the right to punch him in his horrid face…or it should.  The only question here should not be who struck who first, but who started the ugly part, whether by word or deed.  As far as the smack to the kisser, the only question to consider is “did he deserve it.”  Yes.  He did.  He deserved worse.  The point is, if you can’t deal with the fight that ensues, then shut your mouth.  Check out the National News story video below, which has it pretty much right, and also perfectly demonstrates what it means to be mewling and puling.

Hopefully, I am done with Perez Hilton, and he will dissolve back into the primordial ooze from which he crawled in the first place where he can continue his crybaby act.  I’m going to make a sandwich, not on wonder bread, but on Pumpernickel you puss face.

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By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

By Mz. Scarlett / flickr

Here in the feisty but not combative offices of The Curmudgeon, we often find ourselves at odds with celebrity bloggers, even when it is us.  Something about our schizophrenia, and of course that people and their beliefs, there likes and dislikes, are very intricate and complicated.  The world is not written in black and white.

And so we find ourselves increasingly detesting Perez Hilton.  We didn’t like him the first time we heard the name, “Perez Hilton.”  I get it!  How genius!  It’s a play on “Paris Hilton!”  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  That this computer worm – this virus of a human – has somehow parlayed it into an Internet phenomenon is beyond my comprehension.  This guy is so self-aggrandizing, so self-important that it is a pleasure to see him punched in the puss, by a Black Eyed Pea no less.  Too bad it wasn’t Fergie herself.

No, he was punched by Pea tour manager, Polo Molina, out side the Cobra club in Toronto after the twit argued with band members Fergie and will i. am.  He started an argument with the band inside the club.  Hilton was there with something called a Lady Gaga when will i. am told him not to write about his band on his site.  That’s all.  It was Pest Hilton who went ballistic who, according to an interview with the AP, said:

He was like ‘You need to respect me.’ He was in my face. He was obviously trying to intimidate me and scare me,” Hilton said. “I was like ‘I don’t need to respect you. I don’t respect you and I did say this, and I knew that it would be the worst thing I could possibly say to him because he was acting the way he was. I said ‘You know what, I don’t respect you and you’re gay and stop being such a faggot.'”  Now I ask you:  who was the offensive one here?

At some point, in a scuffle outside the club undoubtedly caused by Hilton, he got punched in the face by Tour Manager Molina.  Hilton then ran home crying like a little girl,  puling.  It was reported that  “Hilton, whose real name is Mario Lavandeira, complained about the incident on the microblogging site Twitter. He tweeted at 4 a.m.: ‘I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke.'” (AP)   Did you catch his real name up there?  His name is Lavender.  Ha, ha, ha, ha!

So he did file a police report (whining baby) and Molina turned himself in.  The Pea must return Aug. 5th presumably to answer the charges, but I think their secretly planning on giving him a good citizen award.

I was thinking of changing my blogging name to Britain Spears.  Whaddaya think?

The next day, Hilton goes off on GLAAD for demanding Hilton apologize the Fa***t word.  Follow the story here.

(Photo Credit:  Black Eyed Peas by MzScarlett, flickr )

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