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Posts Tagged ‘news of the weird’

Here in the offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, many of us have to endure hours of air travel across the globe as we rush off to cover presidential inaugurations and Kings being sceptered (or whatever the hell they call that when they do this thing and say, “Okay…Now you be da King!”  As far as I know, none of us have ever freaked out on a plane flying high in the sky and tried to beat a hasty exit. But now it has happened to someone who is not one of us.  She is a Playboy Centerfold.
It was aboard JetBlue Flight 522 on Thursday, in route to Newark to Orlando, when suddenly Playboy Playmate Tiffany Livingston freaked out, jumped up from her seat and frantically began trying to open the door of the plane.  It’s unclear at the time of this writing exactly what transpired at that moment, but we can imagine that the 200 male passengers on board ran to tackle her (and probably cop a feel.)
A source, unnamed of course, told The Curmudgeon that it was a bad case of high anxiety mixed with her neglecting to take her medication.  I don’t know.  It seems like a bad idea to step out of a plane at 35,000 feet unless you’re D.B.Cooper holding a satchel with a million bucks in it.  Back then, a million bucks was worth something.
“She said she’s gone through this before, but never this bad, and didn’t have…her medication,” a source told The Curmudgeon.
“[Livingston] has dealt with minor anxiety issues in the past, however has always maintained a high level of professionalism in the modeling business,” said Kathleen Longsderff, Agency Director at an agency that Livingston was with previously.
Longsderff, of New England Models Group continued, saying that Livingston “began modeling in New England and then traveled to Paris in 2008. She went on to successfully model in Barcelona, Tokyo, Hong Kong and Singapore.”
Livingston, from Merrimac, R.I., was taken by the Feds and placed under federal custody on Thursday, as reported by the New York Post. Charges are still pending.  I guess the charges would include Freaking Out in the 1st degree.
Before all you collectors of fine art go running to your stash of Playboys that you’re hiding from your wife, forget about it, unless you have the Singapore version, called VIP, from 2009.  In the mag she was described as “not just another pretty face.”  No, she’s not.  She’s a pretty bod too, and unfortunately, her head got the better of her this time.

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Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Here in the bargain-hunting offices of The Curmudgeon, we are fond of getting a good deal whether it’s at a Flea Market, Consignment shop, Goodwill, or Garage Sale.  Anywhere really, as long as it’s a great item and the price is right.  One such sale occurred recently where the prices were more than right. They were down right insane.  Customers thought they were getting a steal, and they were…literally.

A man had broken into the home and apparently, not satisfied with his bootie, decided to open up the garage and have a sale.  As it happens, the garage was full of expensive power tools and woodworking equipment, and over the course of several hours the scoundrel sold approximately $40,000 thousand bucks worth of stuff.  Damn, I wish I had been there. I could have used a new router.

Seems neighbors looked on and didn’t do or say anything as people walked off with the expensive stuff sold for pennies on the dollar.  “There were a lot of people who got really good deals out there,” said Staff Sgt. Doug Warn.  “We know that there are many other people out there who did purchase items at completely unrealistic low prices … there’s no doubt in my mind that these people now know that that property is now stolen property,” Warn added.

And they could be charged for possession of stolen property.  Having to return all that fine merchandise must be really tough, but think of the poor guy who saved and saved to buy all that stuff.  Power tools ain’t cheap.  But you have to hand it to the brazen criminal.  If he had of booked just a little earlier he would have been free and clear.  Twas greed that caught the cat.  Now let’s see if greed keeps people from returning the items.  If they don’t I hope they get it too.  Right is right.  And if they do return the stuff, I hope they get their money back…every penny of it.

(Information for this story came from CBC News.)A

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Here in the highly fashionable offices of The Curmudgeon, we have an open dress policy.  Not just casual Fridays, but casual everyday of the week if you feel like it, or dress up big time if that floats your boat.  Without exception, the ladies wear comfortable shoes, some even wearing tennis shoes, which is what I wear so how could I expect different from an employees?  Oh, sometimes the ladies dress up in high-heels and whatnot at the end of the day when they’re heading out for a date, or whatever it is they do out there in the cruel world, and I must confess that they look hot in those 4 inch pumps, but all day long?  Never.

That is why the following story caught my interest:  In the UK, teenage girls are being taught how to wear high-heels in a college government funded course.  The 6-week course is called Sexy Heels In The City and costs L150 ($268.02) at London’s South Thames College.  Oh, and the class also gives lessons on how to carry designer handbags.  Well, of course it does!

According to instructor Chyna Whyne – a Jamaican London gal who writes, composes, and cut’s albums in a sort of Reggae Pop style , “At some point, girls from the age of 15 upwards will start wanting to wear high heels,” she said.  “The earlier younger ladies learn how to walk in heels, the better it’s going to be in the long run – with business and social lives.”  Okay…sure. Just Google her name and you’ll get some songs and videos you can listen to.  She’s legit.

My guess is if this class is successful there will be others.  Coming next will be Styling You Own Hair to Make Men Hot, Make-Up Secrets, and A Real Woman Has Long Nails.  Then the graduate course, How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed.  I can’t imagine what that one will be about.  How to snore maybe?  That would drive me crazy.

I think it’s a great idea.  Let’s doll the little ladies up so they can make our tongues wag.  It’s about time we encouraged women to be real women again.  No more of this butch stuff.  Teach ’em to wiggle when they walk and stick their chests out. (Oh, I’m gonna hear about this!)  I wonder if this course could ever happen in the U.S.?

Somehow, I don’t think so.  Oh well.  As Aerosmith said:

Walk This Way

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The Amityville House on which the book, then the movie was based.

Here in the impetuous offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we are often shooting off of figurative mouths about the latest PETA absurdity, with this caveat: we are pro-animal rights.  I do not want any more forests to be taken for wood, or the rainforest clear-cut so someone can try to grow potatoes, or any species should face extinction, etcetera, etcetera, but PETA is beyond the bounds of crazy behavior.

Much have I written about them, including their Florida billboards with pictures of fat humans and the slogan, “SAVE THE WHALES; Lose the Blubber – Go Vegetarian.”  Or their recent outrage over a destructive squirrel who was caught in a trap on a home’s roof and spent a little too long in the hot sun, or their supposed outrage over Puxatawney Phil, the famous shadow seeing ground hog. They thought Phil was abused performing for the cameras like that, and suggested an animatronic groundhog instead.

Now they’re at it again.  This time, they want to lease the Amityville house of horror (Currently up for sale for 1.15 million).  They want to turn it into a meat-eaters house of horror.  PETA vice-president Tracy Reiman wrote to the present owners, “In our horror house, the sound of slaughterhouse blades whirring while animals scream for their lives would play over loudspeakers.” And the letter went on: “Visitors would be able to see animatronic hens struggling for space inside tiny battery cages and lifelike “fish” gasping for air as they slowly suffocate on the deck of a fishing boat.”

You didn’t think the wackos would stop there, did you?  Oh no, not by a long shot.  Visitors would be subjected, er…treated to a smorgasbord of tasty visual delights, like branding irons and an electrified cow prod and the opportunity to be locked in a small pig crate.  And don’t leave without a special souvenir.  I suggest a doll that resembles a crazed,  knife-wielding Ronald MacDonald.  No kidding.

And you can’t leave without dining in the zero star Cruelty-Free Cafe, featuring delicious, mouth watering vegan food, such as protein-packed mock chicken and faux ribs.  See the irony of that?  Their so-called delicious food tries to resemble meat.  Why not just serve the vegetables instead of trying to pass it off as meat? Is it because meat is delicious and that’s what people like to eat?

Sounds like a lovely afternoon, and I’m booking my tickets as soon as it’s official.  My main beef is I love me some meat.  Steaks, chops, chicken, ribs, and fish, broiled, smoked, braised, baked, grilled, and roasted.  Don’t get in my way, PETA, I’m warning you.  I’ll mess you up, because your game is easy to play.
Of course, the neighbors are thrilled with the prospect of PETA moving into the home, which is best summed up by a neighbor way back in 1999, when he told the N.Y. Daily News that the movie “…screwed up the whole neighborhood.”  Well, just wait until PETA moves in.

Talk about screwed up.

(Information for this story came from the N.Y.Daily News.)

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Photo from litwc.com

Here in the sharp-witted offices of The Curmudgeon, we are no strangers to tattoos, having written about them and a few of the employees tattooed like something out of Ray Bradbury’s The Illustrated Man. I personally am not a fan of tattoos (being borderline Aichmophobic), and have likened tattoos on a pretty woman to drawing on a beautiful painting with a sharpie. But this takes the cake: a man in Louisville is going to prison for tattooing a 19 month old child.

He tattooed the child late one night while a 17 year-old relative of the child held the child down across her lap. Heck, it was just a little tattoo; the outline of the letter “A”, the first letter in the child’s name.  The man was sentenced to 3 years in prison. What?  You think that’s too extreme a punishment?  Consider this: It wasn’t even his child. The assistant prosecutor said, “I don’t know who’s idea it was. It was late in the evening and apparently someone thought it was a good idea.”

He faced a possible 8 years in prison, but was given a reduced sentence due to his incomparable idiocy. When asked by the judge at his hearing if he wanted to say anything, the man said, “If I may make a point, your honor, I’ve never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. Normally I just poke around, but the child kept needling me…sticking it to me, you might say.” Okay, he didn’t say that.  Instead, he didn’t speak. I think he should have at least explained his shoddy work.

He won’t start serving his sentence right away because he’s got to complete his current prison sentence for domestic violence and a violating a protection order. What a loser.

See?  I’ve said it all along:

Tattoo bad

(Information from: CantonRep.com)

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Dog with halo

Pic from gabrielsangels.com

Here in the dog lovin’ offices of The Curmudgeon, writing about dogs is not uncommon.  We’ve written about hero dogs, abused dogs, well, lots of stuff about man’s best friend.  So we were tummy-tickled when the following news item came over the wire:  In Danvers, Mass, Calvary Episcopal Church will begin offering a mass for dogs.

It’s about time.  Now your heathen dog can be saved.  In fact, that’s the whole point.  The “Perfect Pet Paws Ministry” will give canine critters and their owners improved odds of getting into heaven.  That’s good, cause if my dog ain’t goin’, I ain’t showin’.  Reminds me of the “Do Dogs Get Into Heaven” church sign debate   I proved in that article that the whole thing was faked, but so darn funny it was worth publishing.  Now the Episcopalians have put it their two cents:  Dogs can go to heaven, but they gotta pray first.

The mass will offer communion for the humans, and doggie treats for the pooches.  Even the misbehaving dogs who for disciplinary purposes won’t be allowed in the mass can have their owners submit a paper requesting a special prayer to be said for their soul.  Owners can request prayers for any type of pet, so even evil cats have a chance at salvation.  And the dogs will actually have a say in the mass, since barking won’t be banned.  So, if the dogs really get into it, they can shout out things like, “Praise the Lord!” and “Amen!”  Though presumably they’ll cry out in doggie language.

My guess is the dog mass will be packed, because it will be hysterical, and the people will come. The church will rake in the holy dough in their collections baskets.  Heck, it could even get me back into a church, at least a couple of times, to view the spectacle.

I have just one question about the whole affair:

When the collection basket is being passed, what will the dogs leave as an offering?

(Information from: The Salem News http://www.salemnews.com/ )

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