Playboy Playmate Tiffany Livingston Detained Trying to Escape From Plane

Here in the offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, many of us have to endure hours of air travel across the globe as we rush off to cover presidential inaugurations and Kings being sceptered (or whatever the hell they call that when they do this thing and say, “Okay…Now you be da King!”  As far as I know, none of us have ever freaked out on a plane flying high in the sky and tried to beat a hasty exit. But now it has happened to someone who is not one of us.  She is a Playboy Centerfold.
It was aboard JetBlue Flight 522 on Thursday, in route to Newark to Orlando, when suddenly Playboy Playmate Tiffany Livingston freaked out, jumped up from her seat and frantically began trying to open the door of the plane.  It’s unclear at the time of this writing exactly what transpired at that moment, but we can imagine that the 200 male passengers on board ran to tackle her (and probably cop a feel.)
A source, unnamed of course, told The Curmudgeon that it was a bad case of high anxiety mixed with her neglecting to take her medication.  I don’t know.  It seems like a bad idea to step out of a plane at 35,000 feet unless you’re D.B.Cooper holding a satchel with a million bucks in it.  Back then, a million bucks was worth something.
“She said she’s gone through this before, but never this bad, and didn’t have…her medication,” a source told The Curmudgeon.
“[Livingston] has dealt with minor anxiety issues in the past, however has always maintained a high level of professionalism in the modeling business,” said Kathleen Longsderff, Agency Director at an agency that Livingston was with previously.
Longsderff, of New England Models Group continued, saying that Livingston “began modeling in New England and then traveled to Paris in 2008. She went on to successfully model in Barcelona, Tokyo, Hong Kong and Singapore.”
Livingston, from Merrimac, R.I., was taken by the Feds and placed under federal custody on Thursday, as reported by the New York Post. Charges are still pending.  I guess the charges would include Freaking Out in the 1st degree.
Before all you collectors of fine art go running to your stash of Playboys that you’re hiding from your wife, forget about it, unless you have the Singapore version, called VIP, from 2009.  In the mag she was described as “not just another pretty face.”  No, she’s not.  She’s a pretty bod too, and unfortunately, her head got the better of her this time.

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Stewardess Takes Baby From Slapping Mother

Here in the childless offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we have mixed opinions on administering corporal punishment to children.  Should kids get spanked?  Or should they not?  As for myself, I occasionally got “spanked,” or a “got a whuppin,” as we called it, but shoot, ole Crusty’s momma used to chase him around with a bullwhip.  But looking back, it’s easy to see that these rare occasions  were meant for show and to distill fear in poor little Crustini, as the spanking part really didn’t hurt.  So some times a little spanking is in order, at least for me, but actually inflicting serious pain is not.  And at what age should this type of discipline begin?

I don’t know.  Four?  Five?  I think we can all agree though, that a mere 13 months is too young.  Hey, that’s a BABY man!  It happens, and in public too.  As proof, let’s consider Southwest airlines, where on a recent flight from Dallas to Albuquerque, a stewardess observed a mother slap her 13-month old baby.  The stewardess was horrified, as were the passengers who witnessed the event.  So what to do?  The stewardess did what any sensible stewardess would do:  she confiscated the baby.

My momma only slapped me once…and I deserved it.  I remember it well.  It was April fools day and, knowing that my idiot brother would shake tons of salt on his food before he had even tasted it – an insult to my mother the cook – I loosened the top of the salt shaker and…well, you know what happened.  Everyone stared in horror at the plate of food, now obscured under a mound of salt, except me of course.  I laughed.  I laughed heartily.  Without batting an eye, my mother slapped me at the dinner table.  I knew what was coming next of course.  I simply stood up and went to my room without my dinner.  But I hardly think the baby loosened the top of the salt.  Besides, they don’t serve food on Southwest flights.  Maybe if your plane crashed on a deserted island for a few weeks, you might get a bag of salted nuts.  Um…hold the salt.

Upon landing at Albuquerque International Sunport, the stewardess explained the situation to the aviation police as paramedics checked the baby, who had no injuries.  After speaking with the stewardess, the parents, and witnesses,  aviation police chief Marshall Katz and authorities felt it was an isolated incident and returned the child to the parents.  Katz added that the stewadess’ action neutralized the situation.

Typical!  The prisoner is returned to his captors.  I hope for the sake of the kid that it was an isolated incident, and that the mauling mother felt the kind of deep down shame that will prevent her from slapping babies in the future, cause that’s just wrong.  If I could leave her – and you, dear readers – one final bit of wisdom to help guide you in the future, it would be this:

Don’t slap no babies!

(Incident reported by the AP.)

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Google Street View Captures Girl’s Dead Body on Sidewalk?

Here in the mysterious offices of The Curmudgeon, we have investigated many a murder and suspicious death, though seldom do we have photographic evidence of the crime.  But that’s just what Google’s Street View got when photographing a street in Britain.  The picture was posted on the Internet as part of the service and raised some eyebrows…and the dead. Seems the image was of ten-year-old Azura Beebeejaun who was ‘playing dead’ outside her home in Middle Road, Worcester.

Unaware that it was a game of Possum, locals became so concerned over the image that they called the Internet firm and the local newspaper.  The picture had actually been taken the previous summer.  The girl said, “I didn’t know anything about the Google Street View car (recording me). I fell over while I was playing with my friend and thought it would be funny to play dead.”  Well, it is funny Azura, wish I had done it myself.

The Google Street View service offers 360-degree views of streets, allowing users to see the actual streets in a neighborhood.  Google uses cars fitted with panoramic camera’s on their roofs to capture the images.  I always wondered how they did it.  I thought it was camera toting leprechauns, but no such luck.  If it were, we’d get some mighty interesting pictures.  Leprechauns are kind of cheeky, you know.  You might get a little Peeping Tom action, or in this case, Google Oogling.

A youth worker acquainted with Azura said, “I just wish she was that quiet all the time.” A Google spokesoogler said, “This is why we have put in place tools so that if people see what they believe to be inappropriate, they can report them to us using the simple reporting tool and the images will be quickly removed or further blurring applied.”

It’s not the first controversy Google has encountered over the service.  Last year British users complained about invasion of privacy, forcing Google to remove hundreds of photographs.  Germany launched an inquiry into whether Google had their special “oogle view” cars adapted to also map internet connections in homes around the world to help it sell adverts, using the signals which spill from inside homes on to the street.   This information lets Google send mobile phone users adverts for
nearby restaurants, shops and other services through its Google Maps application, collecting a fee every time a user clicks on an advert.

As a result of that inquiry, Australia, South Korea, France, Germany, Canada and America launched investigations after Street View cars collected private data sent from the unprotected home wi-fi
connections.    Ooooo, Google, you’re such naughty, naughty boys!  I had no idea you would resort to such sneaky business!

I’ve filed my own lawsuit…for not initiating Leprechaunic Oogle View.

(Some information for the story came from The Daily Mail, United Kingdom.)

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Man Has Garage Sale But It’s Not His Garage

Here in the bargain-hunting offices of The Curmudgeon, we are fond of getting a good deal whether it’s at a Flea Market, Consignment shop, Goodwill, or Garage Sale.  Anywhere really, as long as it’s a great item and the price is right.  One such sale occurred recently where the prices were more than right. They were down right insane.  Customers thought they were getting a steal, and they were…literally.

A man had broken into the home and apparently, not satisfied with his bootie, decided to open up the garage and have a sale.  As it happens, the garage was full of expensive power tools and woodworking equipment, and over the course of several hours the scoundrel sold approximately $40,000 thousand bucks worth of stuff.  Damn, I wish I had been there. I could have used a new router.

Seems neighbors looked on and didn’t do or say anything as people walked off with the expensive stuff sold for pennies on the dollar.  “There were a lot of people who got really good deals out there,” said Staff Sgt. Doug Warn.  “We know that there are many other people out there who did purchase items at completely unrealistic low prices … there’s no doubt in my mind that these people now know that that property is now stolen property,” Warn added.

And they could be charged for possession of stolen property.  Having to return all that fine merchandise must be really tough, but think of the poor guy who saved and saved to buy all that stuff.  Power tools ain’t cheap.  But you have to hand it to the brazen criminal.  If he had of booked just a little earlier he would have been free and clear.  Twas greed that caught the cat.  Now let’s see if greed keeps people from returning the items.  If they don’t I hope they get it too.  Right is right.  And if they do return the stuff, I hope they get their money back…every penny of it.

(Information for this story came from CBC News.)A

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“Killer” Squirrel Traps Couple in House

Picture of "Killer," the Super Squirrel

Here in the animal-loving offices of The Curmudgeon, we have a great respect for other creatures.  One notable exception is the common tree squirrel.  Oh sure, they’re cute and fuzzy as they prance across your lawn and into the tree, to the branch, to the electric line, to the roof of your house, and then chewing their mischievous way through the eaves and into your attic and…hey!  See?  That’s the problem with squirrels.  They’re just destructive, disgusting rodents.  Rats with fur.

I have had some epic battles with squirrels, but nothing like that experienced by a couple in Cleveland.  They were trapped in their house by a squirrel.  A particularly mean squirrel.  He was one bad motherfu (shut your mouth) jus’ talkin’ bout squirrel.  This squirrel – we’ll call him “Killer” –  was running full blast and hurling himself at the garage door, apparently intent on gaining entry.  Every time the couple tried to escape the house, Killer came charging at them, crashing into the door as they closed it just in time.

Killer was clearly nuts, so the police were summoned to free the couple.  No word on how this was accomplished.  If they summoned an animal control specialist to capture the squirrel humanely and release it in the local park, then why are they keeping it secret?  Perhaps Killer, upon being released, turned and attacked the handler, biting him on about the neck and face infecting him with rabies.  No, I think not.  My theory is that the police shot the squirrel, and then planted their “drop gun” at the scene to make it appear as though Killer were about to fire at them.  That is why it is secret, because if PETA got a hold of that story they’d be all over it like mange on a squirrel.

That would certainly be the fastest, most economical way to deal with the problem, and it’s a good deed too.

The world can always do with one less squirrel.

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Man Calls 911 After Hooker Doesn’t Deliver

MBK (Marjie), flicker, Creative Commons, http://www.flickr.com/photos/mbk/2387406602/in/photostream/

Here in the health conscious offices of The Curmudgeon, we may partake in healthy eating practices, but we are not above a couple of Big Bufords from Rally’s or a bag of sliders—and plenty of ’em—so it’s not odd to consider that a fellow may have met a woman in a White Castle.  What is surprising, is this fellow went to White Castle to meet a hooker, and have an assignation in the bathroom.  What a romantic spot for sex, eh?

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  So this guy—William Ferris, obviously a handsome, adventurous guy—goes  into the john with the hooker and she only kisses and performs oral sex on him.  He thought he was going to get more than that, I mean, $50 bucks is worth the works, right?  He was pissed off.  So he did what any intelligent guy would do:  He called 911 to report the crime of robbery.

No matter what you may think, cops aren’t dumb.  The dude’s story isn’t making sense to the officers that responded to the scene.  Wouldn’t you know it?  He gets two “not dumb” cops who probably want to make detective.  They question him.  They grill him.  They make him repeat his story a hundred times.  They taunt him by swinging a Tak-Home-A-Sak in front of him, promising him all he can eat if only he’ll tell them the truth.  Ferris can’t take the pressure and he confesses.

What a dumb ass.  He was charged with solicitation and making a false police report.  He was also warned that he will be charged with trespassing if he “returns to the White Castle on Harrison Avenue.  Presumably, he can still meet hookers at the White Castle on Henry street.

White Castle doesn’t deliver. Neither does the hooker.

(This story appeared on TMZ.)

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Cops Taser 10-Year Old Kid

Photo by: michaelk42, flickr, Creative Commons, http://www.flickr.com/photos/felixcat/3854669370/

Here in the jolting office of The Curmudgeon, I am the only person who carries a Taser, as far as I know.  I rarely use it, saving it for dangerous  situations, such as an employee asking for a raise.  I’m sure we can all agree I am justified in utilizing it in such dire circumstances.  Heck, the cops use them all the time. So much easier than actually wrestling anyone to the ground.  They recently tasered a student.  It was a student in Day Care.  He was 10 years old.

The shocking moment happened at Tender Teddies Day Care.  A call had gone out to cops saying a 10-year old was out of control.  Well, we must control our 10-year olds, otherwise we’ll have legos strewn about everywhere.  So they did what any adult in their right mind would do; they slapped him, but wanting to make absolutely sure he was subdued, tasered him.  You know what people look like when they’ve been tasered?  Imagine now a 10-year old boy.  Ha, ha, funny isn’t it?

Not as funny perhaps as last November, when as Arkansas cop tasered a 10-year old girl for refusing to take a shower and then throwing a tantrum.  Boy, they sure wanted that girl to take a shower.  But she really didn’t want to, so she kicked the cop in the balls.  Nobody but nobody kicks officer Morgateroyde in the jewels and gets away with it.

But back to the recent 10-year old tasering.  The mayor’s office and the Police Department said it was done to prevent the kid from harming the staff, other kids, or himself.  He was kicking and screaming and wouldn’t stop.  That is mighty peculiar behavior for a child, you must admit.  I do think they might have tried something else, like…I don’t know…grab him or something.  Of course, once he levitated and his head spun around they should have called an exorcist.

Don’t worry, you politically correct types, the cops are being punished.  They’ve been suspended with full pay.  That must really hurt.  Well heck, he was kicking and screaming, so why not?

Hurts like a taser.

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Giant Poop Bubbles Threaten Indiana

"It wasn't me." Photo by JMita Studios, flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/junie_moon_photoshare/3329480222/

Here in the soothing, aromatic offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we have the most modern air exchange/purification system in our bathrooms that is yet possible in this age of super technology.  Yes, amid all the research of the human genome, cloning, new weapons, and medical development, some scientist actually spent his research money developing new ways to keep your bathroom from stinking.  Too bad we can’t install the system in the atmosphere over the state of Indiana.

Even as I write this to you, Indiana is being run over by giant poop bubbles.  And they smell bad.  The foul bubbles are caused by animal poop on the dairy farm of Tony Goltstein, who like most diary farmers, puts the waste from his animals in a giant lagoon.  Way back in 2006, small bubbles began poking up on the surface.

Now, 6 years later, the bubbles are the size of small houses and can be seen in satellite photos.  The fear that the bubbles may begin to float on air a little, and begin rolling across the state chasing people like The Rover giant bubble on The Prisoner, has politicians squirming for a solution, since they rightly assume the bubbles will target them first.

Farmers are an industrious breed, and Goltstein is no exception.  He has a plan.  It’s a bold plan requiring the kind of courage that made this country great.  He and his 19 year-old son, against all logic, would go out on a paddle-boat and slice them open with a knife. The Indiana environmental agency is considering the idea.  But they have some serious concerns.

“Not knowing how much volume of gas is there and how much pressure it’s under,” said Assistant Commissioner Bruce Palin, “we’re concerned with just cutting a hole.”  Yeah, what it if it stinks up the whole state?  Nobody wants to smell what’s on the inside of a giant poop bubble.  And don’t forget how damaging methane can be to the ozone.

I, Crusty, have a much bolder plan.  Capture the bubbles in an extra large butterfly net, transport them overseas and put them at various strategic locations throughout Iraq.  Then, whenever our troops have to conquer a village they can simply pop one of the balloons and move in when the inhabitants get all discombobulated.  It’s a win win situation.
Poop balloons are dangerous with documented evidence.  Just last year, a hog farmer in Minnesota was launched rocket-like 40 feet in the air when a poop balloon exploded in his manure pit, burning him and singeing his hair.

The Wall Street Journal was told by Goltstein that he had “no fear of popping them.”  All I can say is Mr Goltstein is a patriot.

He makes me proud to be an American.

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Woman’s Body Found Under Motel Mattress After Two Months

Photo by Thomas Hawk, flickr, Fair Use Rights, http://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/4401212638/

Here in the mysterious offices of The Curmudgeon, we are accustomed to people disappearing only to show up two months later, like Jim in the research and development department who went to his office to work on a “new project,” and then wasn’t seen again for two months.  So it was for a Memphis woman who disappeared while staying at a Budget Inn and then showed up two months later—stuffed under the mattress.

The stunning part of the story is that the room had been rented out 3 times and the staff had cleaned the room on several occasions.  That means guests at the motel were sleeping on her corpse.  Finally, motel staff investigated the aroma coming from the room.  Did it really take two months for the body to smell?  Wasn’t there a 1 week smell and a 1 month smell?  Nobody complained to the office about the odor or the lumpy mattress.

The Memphis police are baffled at the whole thing, which the police do very well—they are superb at being baffled, but they do have an awful lot of bizarre crimes going on around them and they’re expected to sort everything out.  Just another of the reasons they shouldn’t be screwing around with busting citizens for harmless activities, oh…like, say, marijuana possession and driving 60 in in a 55 mph zone. Whether the room is now haunted is unknown, but I would guess even her ghost wanted to check out after two months.

On the customer survey card, the ghost would write:  “Stay was not satisfactory.  I was murdered.  Most unpleasant!”  But I imagine the management would try to make it up to her by offering her two free nights.  Of course the customer survey card asks the most pressing question of all:

How did you sleep?

(Information for this story came from myfoxmemphis.com.)

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Car Thieves Call 911 On Themselves

“Empty your car before the thief does it,” Photo by Valla/Flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/10318765@N03/2765890678/

Here in the expensively-adorned, thief-worthy offices of The Curmudgeon, we are no strangers to boneheaded burglary attempts.  There was the “Spongebob incident,” where a man posing as a singing telegram attempted to smuggle several large paintings out stuffed under his shirt while he sang, “I Shot the Sherrif.”  He looked like Spongebob.  But this one even made us shake our heads in imperial disbelief: two car thieves called 911 while they were committing the crime.

How it went down was when the two burglars – 19 and 13 years old – began looting from the vehicle, one of the Einsteins hit the auto 911 button on the phone.  A dispatcher answered and listened to their conversation.

“Hello? Hello? What is your emergency?” the 911 dispatcher asks.

“Help,” the criminal said, “Burglary in process!  I’m the dumb ass crook.  I can’t stop my stealin’ ways. Help me stop!  Send backup!”

Well, not exactly.  Instead the bumbling bandits argued over what was worth more and should be stolen, all the while the dispatcher listened, passed the ongoing conversation along to the police, who had already dispatched cars to the scene.

“When I beep the horn it means the cops are on their way, you hear me? You promise you hear me?” the callers’ say.

Hearing the conversation must have been quite interesting to the dispatcher.

“Look in here, in the glove compartment. They have, like, GPSs or something,” says dumbass #1.

“Oh, I didn’t even think about that,” says dumbass #2

“That’s where the GPSs are at,” dumbass #1 replies.

“You got to break the SIM card. Take that SIM card out. They can trace it,” one of the cloddish crooks says. “If there’s nothing there, leave it. Trust me, God always works in mysterious ways. If you be greedy, that’s when you get caught up, alright?”

“That’s right, dumbass # 1,”  said the other, “They would be as stupid as if we called 911 on ourselves!”

“Ha, ha!  That would be really stupid.”

There was also a conversation about Karma.  Appropriate under the circumstances.  They still had the stuff in their hands when cops showed up and arrested them.  How could such an amazing screw-ups happen to these two kids?

Bad karma.

(Some facts were published at WESH.com, the Orlando NBC affiliate.)

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