Posts Tagged ‘Black-eyed peas’

Black Eyed Peas comin/ to get you, Paris Hilton.  Run away, run away!

Black Eyed Peas comin' to get you, Perez Hilton. Run away, run away!

Here in the chic offices of The Curmudgeon, we are thorough but overworked.  That’s why we welcome tips from friends, neighbors, relatives, readers, the local police department, and our priest – if we had one.  So today I am writing a follow-up to yesterdays Perez Hilton farce – which I rarely do – thanks to this tip from friend, colleague, fellow college alum (Harvard – but don’t bother checking: I’m pretty sure they lost our records,) and a fantastic writer himself, Paul Sagan.  If he were a priest he’d have all the bases covered.  He offered todays tip, which is, in a nutshell, Perez Hilton is living in some kind of insane fantasy world where he is the king.  We kind of knew that, but hear me out.

GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Assimilation Association Disorder…okay, I made that up.  It’s Alliance Against Defamation) stated that while they condemned any attack on Hilton –  and they acknowledge that there aren’t a lot of facts available – they mostly asked that Hilton apologize for using the F word, namely, fa***t.

Hilton is outraged, of course.  Peons don’t ask the King to apologize, don’t you know.  So what does he do?  He pules (whines and whimpers) some more, now DEMANDING an apology from GLAAD for taking the situation further (read: daring to criticize the King.)

Here is what the germ said:

I am saddened GLAAD chose to victimize me further by criticizing me for how I non-violently dealt with a very scary situation that, unfortunately, turned violent. While I doubt I will get an apology from GLAAD, nor do I expect one, I would just hope people know how difficult it is to intellectualize a situation and think rationally when a thug disguised as a musician is screaming at your face and intimidating you. I am just very fortunate and grateful that nothing more serious happened to me.”

Gawd, can I go back to my own planet yet?  Surely my work here is done.  We’re still not sure exactly what happened in the first place, but the gist is that Black Eyed Pea member will i. am asked or told Hilton not to write about the band on his website any more, Hilton having been derogatory about their most recent album.  Possibly, will I. am got his face close to Hilton’s when he said this, but they were in a night club.  You ever try talking to anybody in a loud nightclub?  This sent Hilton into an unreasonable tirade which you can read in yesterdays post.

Hilton claims he felt threatened by will. i. am.  No doubt.  Will i. am is black and we all know how scary it can be to be close to a black man.  You never know what could happen?  He could pull out a knife or bust a cap in is powdery ass.  Lordy, lordy, everybody run, it’s a black man!  Give me a break.  Hilton is so white bread he grew up inside a Wonder bag.

This is what really pisses me off.  In our society, you are allowed to say whatever you want to somebody’s face, no matter how offensive, mean, or insulting it may be.  But you are not allowed to punch them in the face if they do.  I’m sorry, but this is wrong.  Words can hurt and wound as much as violence.  If Hilton goes off on me (how dare him!  I am the real King!) then that gives me the right to punch him in his horrid face…or it should.  The only question here should not be who struck who first, but who started the ugly part, whether by word or deed.  As far as the smack to the kisser, the only question to consider is “did he deserve it.”  Yes.  He did.  He deserved worse.  The point is, if you can’t deal with the fight that ensues, then shut your mouth.  Check out the National News story video below, which has it pretty much right, and also perfectly demonstrates what it means to be mewling and puling.

Hopefully, I am done with Perez Hilton, and he will dissolve back into the primordial ooze from which he crawled in the first place where he can continue his crybaby act.  I’m going to make a sandwich, not on wonder bread, but on Pumpernickel you puss face.

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It’s quiet here in the empty but not tenebrific offices of the Curmudgeon, as I have generously given the staff the first day of the New Year off. I’ll be heading to the homestead soon to prepare the traditional New Years good-luck food, black-eyed peas. I mentioned this while on the phone to my Canuck friend, who responded, “What are black-eyed peas?”

Shocked, I was. I appreciated this question however, imprimus because I like talking to my Canuck friend, and furthermore, because it made me contemplate the matter, that is, speaking culturally, what’s up with that “black-eyed peas good luck on New Years day” thing?

Ahh. To explain black-eyed peas to the unenlightened is a joyous thing, but of course I pretended to be miffed and irritated since that is my shtick. So pay attention, class. I’m only going to say this once.

Black-Eyed Peas 101:

This legume that looks like a small, tan-colored bean with a black spot in the center, is sometimes simply called a “field pea,” of which the black-eyed pea is the most common variety. They are considered good luck in many parts of the US, but especially in the South—wherefrom I hale, and are traditionally consumed on New Years Day to bring luck throughout the year.

These legumes are often accompanied by either hog jowls or ham, such as a hock, cooked in with the beans. As much as I vociferously cling to and celebrate southern traditions, hog jowls I do not do. Nor pigs feet, chitins, tripe, or any other offending trifle that the poor and desolate have been forced consume from necessity and somehow got it into their malnutritioned minds that it was good. Ham hocks are another matter, and add tremendous flavor suitable for…uh…I don’t know…Minnie Pearl or someone.

History tells us that black-eyed peas and other legumes have been considered good luck in many cultures for ions. The hog, and thus its meat, is believed to be lucky because it represents prosperity. In some regions, rice is a lucky food that is eaten on New Year’s Day. Many cultures consume cabbage on New Year’s, as it is also a sign of prosperity and good luck follows since the leaves resemble and represent paper currency. So lay some cabbage on me so I can buy some black-eyed peas and ham hocks.

Serving Suggestion:  Use a Spoon

And that is everything I know about eating black-eyed peas on New Years Day, except that my family always had them on the first day of the year, and I continue that tradition today. Besides, when made from real beans (not canned) and slow-cooked with a couple of ham hocks and some chopped onion, they are scrumptious!   I’ll also be serving an appetizer of homemade vegetable soup with stock made from a large Sirloin roast bone, and then the main course of barbecued ribs, the black-eyed peas, and a big salad with lots of stuff in it!

And don’t forget cornbread!  Here’s the trick to cooking cornbread.  Ya gotta have an iron skillet.  This is paramount.  You fry up one slice of bacon and remove it from the skillit, but leave the grease.  Then you pour the cornbread batter into the hot skillit.  Hear that sizzle?  Ya gotta have the sizzle.  Then cook it normally in the oven.  You can sprinkle that slice of crispy bacon over the black-eyed peas when you serve.  Come on over for dinner!

Not the black-eyed pea I was after, but still delicious.  jorgemejia - flickr

Fergie: Not the black-eyed pea I was after, but still delicious. jorgemejia - flickr

Many might see such a meal as causing gaseousness and wonder if the black-eyed peas really do bring good luck. Hmmm…Interesting questions both.  I’ll let you know about the gas thing later, after I study the situation.  As for “do they bring good luck,”  thinking back on past New Years…umm…no…apparently not–if one can judge by me–for if I didn’t have bad luck I’d have no luck at all.

And yet, I “chew on” with this ridiculous gastronomic charade, passing gas copiously and having bad luck. Oh well, at least dinner will taste good, and if you come over the company will be nonpareil. You can bring the wine. But what kind of wine to bring?

I Don’t Want Whine With That

I think the wine should accompany the ribs, so how about a nice Cabernet or Shiraz or Merlot. Something nice and hardy and rich with deep woodsy flavors and a spicy nose.  It has to stand up to the flavorful meat and sauce.

Maybe pick up a blend, perhaps a Hardy’s triple blend that has all three. It’s easier than deciding. That will cut the heaviness of the Shiraz, too, which will enable us to drink more. I actually like the blends.  No wine “aesthete” am I.  When asked what type of wine you should drink with what foods, I say, “whatever you like.”

So I’ll expect you at 8:00 or thereabouts, as I am not particularly impressed with promptness. We’ll enjoy a nice, country, rustic meal, or call it “French Farmhouse Cooking” if you prefer. As for the after-effects, I think I’ll light some beeswax candles.

Bon Appetit.

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