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Posts Tagged ‘low riders’

Photo by mikebaird / flickr

Photo by mikebaird / flickr

Here in the oceanic eco-friendly but not all wet Curmudgeon offices – currently located in the Pacific Northwest with offices over-looking Puget Sound – we have seen our share of spectacular whale tails.  Both the beautiful Orca tail, rising above the water with a playful but dangerous slap back onto the water, but also the illusive land whale tail, that which belongs to human women.  Their tails involve a playful but dangerous slap too, but that’s another fish-out-of-water story.

Ahoy

Ahoy

For those of you who don’t know, we speak not of whale-sized women and their behinds, but rather when the back of a (hopefully) hawt young girl’s g-string or thong appears above the level of her low-rise jeans, much like the whale’s tail appearing above the water’s surface.  This look is said to have  been popularized by Christine Aguilera and Brittany Spears.  In fact, I could have easily included pictures of these two pop tarts, but there are, as they say, lots of whale tails in the sea.

Off the starboard bow!

Off the starboard bow!

I don’t know who first coined the term “whale tail,” but I wish it were me.  It’s clever and funny and, gosh darn it, that’s exactly what they look like.  I must confess that I like the look too.  The fashion.  The statement, which is something like, “wouldn’t you like to dive into this?”  Why…yes Ma’am.  Yes I would.  I kind of get the whole Prince Charles wants to be a tampon thing, too.  I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to find out.  I don’t know why we have certain bizarre fantasies.  I don’t mind looking for their deep-rooted, twisted reasons when it’s your crazy stuff we’re talking about, but when it’s mine…fugeddaboutit.

Moby Dick

Moby Dick

But back to whale tails.  We have this one young woman working here – Asfrid’s her name – who is like a Nordic goddess, all blond hair and creamy softness and steamier than an outdoor jacuzzi in a snow bank.  Asfrid has a whale tail almost every day and they make me want to be Jacques Cousteau.  In search of zee elusive whale tail. Give me a camera, boys…I’m going under. I think I’ll introduce the idea of casual Friday, only we’ll have whale tale Friday.  Or maybe not.  Some guy will complain and want to do plumber’s crack Friday, and that is the opposite of a whale tail.  Unless the girls want to do plumber’s crack Friday…okay, wait.  I’m getting confused.  So many options, so many tails.

No.  I guess I won’t mess with nature.  I reckon I’ll leave it to chance whether the whale tail appears or not, just like the Orca’s glorius, feisty tail.  Didn’t I say we were oceanic eco-friendly here at the Curmudgeon?

Save the Whale…Tail.

A double sighting

A double sighting

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muffingood-2

Here in the expansive but not dilatent offices of The Curmudgeon, we have been most occupied with the notion of  “muffin tops.”  These are not the muffin tops that you eat (usually) or that they make Seinfield episodes about, but rather the human muffin tops displayed when someone wears a too-tight piece of clothing around their hips causing fatty tissue to “spill” over the top, like a muffin.  Use it in a sentence thusly:  “Wow!  Check out the muffin top on that chick!
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Certainly men can have a muffin top too, but you and me, society and culture as a whole are only concerned with women.  We admire them.  We loathe them.  We study them.  We praise and criticize them.  We paste their pictures in the trashy gossip mags and scrutinize them, and that’s what you do, sister.   Men take all the flack, but women are the drive behind this physical examination of females.  I have said in the past that by studying women you will learn about men, and more about our culture than you ever considered.  So…let’s consider the muffin top.

The Heavy Bran Muffin or the Delicate Blueberry?

Obviously, heavier women are more easily “muffin topped,”  (Can I verb that?)  but any female can get one.  Unless, of course, you are one of these ultra-thin runway models who are more androgynous than womanly, if you ask me,.  How the fashion industry gets away with pushing this waif, half-starved, “scuse me mister, got a farthing so a girl can buy a bit of bread”  image on us is beyond my comprehension.  muffingood6

Notice too that I have avoided saying whether the muffin top is good or bad.  It is almost universally described as bad, as in “dreaded muffin top.”  I, however, think the muffin top could go either way.  Some women clearly should put some clothes on.  But others…well, lets just say I am like the trained dog on a walk with his master, never leaving my “heeled” position, who suddenly sees a female dog with the sun shining in her fur, who cannot move, but simply cocks his head as if to say, “Huh?”  Obviously, there are different degrees, and I have labored to show examples that are not too extreme.

Where the Muffin Top Came From

The term “muffin top” was coined by Kath and Kim, the Australian comediennes.  The condition of “muffin toppedness” began during the late 60’s to early 70’s with the introduction of low-rise and hip hugger pants.  They defied the true female form, which forced the skin and fat around her waist, back, and buttocks to spill out over the top.  Women are supposed to have a little extra there.  Add a crop top and you get the full effect.
muffinundecided-31
Mercifully or not, depending on your outlook, the low-rise/hip huggers went the way of beehive hairdo, but as the wise old saying goes:  remember – history – condemned – repeat.   So low-rise pants came back, this time escorted by mid-riff tops.   It was during the mid to late 90’s, but there was actually a theory behind it this time.  The idea was to make the woman’s torso appear longer, and thereby thinner, than it actually was.  And it all came from trying to adapt men’s pants to women.

Whoops, The Muffin Top is Born

Men’s pants normally have lower waists and men have naturally longer torsos, narrower hips, and smaller pelvis’.  “Hey,” exclaimed the fashion industry, “let’s adapt men’s pants to women and then they’ll appear to have longer torsos too!”  And so muffin tops were born.  Fashion industry goes wrong…again.   The odd thing is, muffin tops are still prevalent today.  What I wonder is why women are still sporting the look, regardless of it’s social stigmatism?  Will they buy and wear anything as long as it’s popular or the fashion industry tells them to?  If this is true, why won’t they dress the way I tell them to?  “Here honey, put on the French Maid outfit.”  (Actually, that works for me every time, so if your gal won’t do that for you then you have a problem.)muffinundecided-1

Men, I think it is fair to say, will have varied opinions on the muffin top.  Some guys love it always, I’m sure, and they can probably be classified as “chubby chasers” or “fat freaks.”  Other men will always find the look awful, and can probably be described as…let me see…homosexual.   The majority of men will share my opinion however, with our individual proclivities filtering the good from the bad.  After all, you could probably squeeze Beyonce’,  Charlize Theron and Kate Winslet into a muffin top, and that’s just good, wholesome, tasty goodness.

Three muffins are better than one.  malingerer - flickr

Three muffins are better than one. malingerer - flickr

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fashion-6

Here in the hectic but not flustered offices of the Curmudgeon, I heard a news item, casually told, that made my head spin like Linda Blair’s.  The news item was something about the Taliban changing tack.  I really don’t pay a lot of attention to these things until something slaps me upside the head and says, “Pay attention!”  So I did.

What I heard was that no longer would the Taliban be beheading barbers for shaving off peoples beards.  WTF? fashion-5 You mean they WERE?  You can argue your cultural differences all you want, but anybody who thinks that was okie doke is whacked.  Seriously wacked.  What has the Taliban putting barbers on the chopping block have to do with that picture up there you ask?  Except for them disapproving of that sort of thing (wonder what they’d cut off in this case?) it has nothing to do with it.  Except that my alert friend Sheena Robins brought this to my attention,
thereby taking me from my normal curmudgeonly state regarding rolling heads into a state of happiness.

It seems the fashion trend for low riders and visible thong straps has taken a new daring step.  Note that my friend is Filipino and most of these pictures appear to have been taken there, proving that the impudent march of western culture will not be stopped.

I, for one, love the statement this daring fashion trend makes.  It says boldly:  I am woman.  I am confident,  I am cute.  Look at my butt.

It wont be long before the fashion trend begins—subtlety at first—on the fringes of the Taliban’s strongholds, like a waiting army, ready for attack, dropping copies of playboy by parachute into enemy territory.  So prepare
yourself, Taliban.  Lock up your women (oh wait, they already do that).  We will attack you with our ladies.  Don’t let the men see the apple. Don’t let them bite the forbidden fruit.  So pray to your made-up God, no matter what name you have given him.  We will simply say…look at our butts.  And the Taliban comes tumbling down.

fashion-3

My friend Sheena Robins, who alerted me to this fashion trend, is about the nicest, sweetest person you could ever hope to meet.  To read her stuff, see her profile page here.  Hey, I like her…you will too.  By the way, that’s not her up there.

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