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Posts Tagged ‘Crusty curmudgeon blog’

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Here in the bargain-hunting offices of The Curmudgeon, we are fond of getting a good deal whether it’s at a Flea Market, Consignment shop, Goodwill, or Garage Sale.  Anywhere really, as long as it’s a great item and the price is right.  One such sale occurred recently where the prices were more than right. They were down right insane.  Customers thought they were getting a steal, and they were…literally.

A man had broken into the home and apparently, not satisfied with his bootie, decided to open up the garage and have a sale.  As it happens, the garage was full of expensive power tools and woodworking equipment, and over the course of several hours the scoundrel sold approximately $40,000 thousand bucks worth of stuff.  Damn, I wish I had been there. I could have used a new router.

Seems neighbors looked on and didn’t do or say anything as people walked off with the expensive stuff sold for pennies on the dollar.  “There were a lot of people who got really good deals out there,” said Staff Sgt. Doug Warn.  “We know that there are many other people out there who did purchase items at completely unrealistic low prices … there’s no doubt in my mind that these people now know that that property is now stolen property,” Warn added.

And they could be charged for possession of stolen property.  Having to return all that fine merchandise must be really tough, but think of the poor guy who saved and saved to buy all that stuff.  Power tools ain’t cheap.  But you have to hand it to the brazen criminal.  If he had of booked just a little earlier he would have been free and clear.  Twas greed that caught the cat.  Now let’s see if greed keeps people from returning the items.  If they don’t I hope they get it too.  Right is right.  And if they do return the stuff, I hope they get their money back…every penny of it.

(Information for this story came from CBC News.)A

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"Vampire Girl" by lovelessbloodyrose

Here in the sensible offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we do not engage in dangerous activities, so far as I know.  We have heard of a recent fad by teenagers that has, frankly, troubled us.  Teenagers will invent fads, things their parents never thought of.  They will push the envelope, and are, to their own minds, indestructible.  So it was for me and it was for you too, so let us not preach to the teenagers today, but try instead to understand their warped little mind.

That being said, sometimes our knowledge and experience is often actually valuable, but the difficulty lies in convincing teenagers of this fact, which doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.  We should, but tread gently.  The disturbing phenomenon I speak of is the new affectation adopted by teenagers of biting and bloodsucking to demonstrate love.  Most teenage behavior is influenced  by movies, television, music, and pop culture.  So it is with biting.  The vampire craze is responsible.  In our day, the preferred method was the hickey, which was the sucking on skin until a red welt was left marking the spot, and the person, the object of our love and desire, and in a very real way, designated our ownership of the person.

But hickeys weren’t dangerous, just annoying.  The swallowing and exchanging of blood is downright dangerous behavior.  It’s risky business.  This is making the swallower at high risk for Hepatitis, Syphilis, and God forbid, HIV.  Without preaching, are you prepared to die for this demonstration of love?  I’m sorry to tell you you aren’t invincible, as we weren’t before you, even though we too thought we were.  That is why we can’t preach at you.  We can’t tell you what to do, you’ll just do it anyway to spite us.  All we can do is try to make you understand what we have learned and hope it makes an impact on you.

Unfortunately, the dangers do not end there.  The mouth contains 10 to 15 billion bacteria. It is a very simple matter to infect the bitee with a general blood infection, for which the standard treatment is tetanus shots.

So teenagers, what are the pros and cons of biting?  Do you feel the cons outweigh the pros, or vice versa?  We can’t make up your mind for you, but hopefully you will consider all your options and make the best choice.  I am sorry to say, the right choice is it’s not worth the risk.  But only you can decide.  Think about it, please.

Very carefully.

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Here in the mature offices of The Curmudgeon, we are all adults and childish, prudish attitudes are not tolerated.  That’s about the only thing that’s not tolerated.  Sometimes these posts lean to the adult, R rated, though they are actually rather tame.  Such is this one.  Adult oriented, I mean.  So if you are easily offended, you should stop reading right now, but I thank you very much for visiting.
It’s a tragic story, this, but is probably a behavior that many readers here engage in themselves.  A 30 year old nanny has died of a heart attack while enjoying a vibrator and viewing porn on her computer.  The story laid out when the nanny failed to show up for work.  Her employer became alarmed when she also failed to answer her phone, and traveled to her apartment, where a neighbor who had been given a key entered her apartment and found her in bed with a vibrator by her side and porn playing on the radio.  The official cause of death was heart  arrhythmia while pleasuring herself.  In short, death by vibrator.
The anti-porn people will have a field day with this one, using our erstwhile Mary Poppins for the political and religious agenda.  Leave her alone you vultures, you propagandist perpetrators.  Have a little respect for the lady and her healthy activity.  Poor dear probably never had a heart problem in her life.
Tragedy happens to good people too.
(This story was reported in The Sun UK and on The Frisky.  Special thanks to friend Paul Sagan, who tipped me off on this story.)

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Here in the top secret offices of The Curmudgeon, we are constantly on the lookout for spies.  I am particularly suspicious of bugs, expecting them to be little robotic creatures equipped with cameras and recording equipment.  This is just the type of corporate espionage some of our competitors would engage in, such as the site All Stupid Things and Important Stuff Ignored.  Naturally, countries are known for spying on another, for example, Pakistan and India.

To support this accusation, India has arrested a spy from Pakistan.  Or so they say.  The spy is being held under armed guard. No one is allowed to visit the prisoner, being held in an air-conditioned room (bloody nice of them – with the heat in India and all), and probably kept in a cell.  More like a cage, really.  Appropriate, because the spy is a pigeon.

The pigeon was found by a local resident with a ring around it’s foot and a Pakistani phone number and address stamped on his body.  The Pigeon carried a message, though no note has been found.  Local pigeon fanciers said that Pakistani pigeons are easily identifiable as they look different from Indian ones.  Maybe the pigeon speaks Urdu instead of Hindi. In any case, senior officers are taking it seriously and have ordered they be updated 3 times a day.  So far, the updates say, “Pigeon still won’t talk. Just that incessant cooing.”

What I can’t comprehend is how the pigeon could go back to Pakistan and report his findings?  Unless, of course another spy – a human one – would tie another message to it to be delivered.  But that’s ridiculous.  India is a free society, with cell phones and the Internet and everything.  Surely there are better ways to communicate with Pakistan?

I’ll say this though. Things are getting desperate when a country uses carrier pigeons for spying.  I thought that went out with World War II.  But it’s not so strange to think about spying Pigeons. Iran arrested two pigeons they said were spying on a nuclear facility just in October, 2008. We all know how logical and sensible Iran is. Naturally, they accused the United States, and believe the bands around the pigeons feet are actually communication devices.  Ah ha!  Now we’re getting somewhere. Although they can’t figure out how they work, Iran is sure the bands somehow communicate with the U.S.  Sound familiar?

Very close to robotic spying bugs. Stranger things have happened.

(Some information for this story came from Breitbart.com and the London Daily Mail.)

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The Amityville House on which the book, then the movie was based.

Here in the impetuous offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we are often shooting off of figurative mouths about the latest PETA absurdity, with this caveat: we are pro-animal rights.  I do not want any more forests to be taken for wood, or the rainforest clear-cut so someone can try to grow potatoes, or any species should face extinction, etcetera, etcetera, but PETA is beyond the bounds of crazy behavior.

Much have I written about them, including their Florida billboards with pictures of fat humans and the slogan, “SAVE THE WHALES; Lose the Blubber – Go Vegetarian.”  Or their recent outrage over a destructive squirrel who was caught in a trap on a home’s roof and spent a little too long in the hot sun, or their supposed outrage over Puxatawney Phil, the famous shadow seeing ground hog. They thought Phil was abused performing for the cameras like that, and suggested an animatronic groundhog instead.

Now they’re at it again.  This time, they want to lease the Amityville house of horror (Currently up for sale for 1.15 million).  They want to turn it into a meat-eaters house of horror.  PETA vice-president Tracy Reiman wrote to the present owners, “In our horror house, the sound of slaughterhouse blades whirring while animals scream for their lives would play over loudspeakers.” And the letter went on: “Visitors would be able to see animatronic hens struggling for space inside tiny battery cages and lifelike “fish” gasping for air as they slowly suffocate on the deck of a fishing boat.”

You didn’t think the wackos would stop there, did you?  Oh no, not by a long shot.  Visitors would be subjected, er…treated to a smorgasbord of tasty visual delights, like branding irons and an electrified cow prod and the opportunity to be locked in a small pig crate.  And don’t leave without a special souvenir.  I suggest a doll that resembles a crazed,  knife-wielding Ronald MacDonald.  No kidding.

And you can’t leave without dining in the zero star Cruelty-Free Cafe, featuring delicious, mouth watering vegan food, such as protein-packed mock chicken and faux ribs.  See the irony of that?  Their so-called delicious food tries to resemble meat.  Why not just serve the vegetables instead of trying to pass it off as meat? Is it because meat is delicious and that’s what people like to eat?

Sounds like a lovely afternoon, and I’m booking my tickets as soon as it’s official.  My main beef is I love me some meat.  Steaks, chops, chicken, ribs, and fish, broiled, smoked, braised, baked, grilled, and roasted.  Don’t get in my way, PETA, I’m warning you.  I’ll mess you up, because your game is easy to play.
Of course, the neighbors are thrilled with the prospect of PETA moving into the home, which is best summed up by a neighbor way back in 1999, when he told the N.Y. Daily News that the movie “…screwed up the whole neighborhood.”  Well, just wait until PETA moves in.

Talk about screwed up.

(Information for this story came from the N.Y.Daily News.)

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Photo by Elmra on flickr

Here in the pole-dancing offices of The Curmudgeon, most of us enjoyed high-school and found it a stimulating experience.  But not as stimulating as some Canadian students whose teacher lap danced on another teacher during a school assembly.

Never willing to let a good thing go, a phone-video of the event was posted on-line, and that’s how the stuffed shirts found out about it and suspended the teachers without pay.  What?  They didn’t get raises?
The incident took place at Churchill High School in Winnipeg, where apparently they don’t appreciate extra-curricular learning and valuable job training.

The students were laughing at first, but that amusement soon turned to shock and awe.

“At first we were laughing and then it was like, ‘Oh that’s a little too far,'” The Globe and Mail quoted a 14-year-old Freshman as saying.  The poor thing.  Not ready for life after high school at all.

The school trustee, Mike Babinsky, a party pooper,  was outraged at the teacher’s behavior.  Aw, he was sooooo jealous.  It could have been him in that chair.  He was asked why he was so jealous and angry:

“He is sticking his head into her crotch, into her private area,” Babinsky told The Globe and Mail on Tuesday. “I don’t know if they’re making contact, but it’s way too close.”  He did not go on to say, “I’ll fix him…being with my woman like that.  That was my lap dance!”

Poor Babinsky.  He’s a cuckold and embarrassed about it.  One student was quoted as saying the “whole school was rattled” after that.  I’ll bet.  All those hormones rattling around in their pubescent bodies, and suddenly an idea comes along.  I wonder if enrollment in the school’s dance program has increased?

I’ll say one thing.  If this happened at more schools, attendance would be way up.  Top of the stripper’s pole.

I just hope the teacher’s got enough money stuffed into their gym pants to hold them over during the suspension.

(Information for this story came from the Globe, the Mail, and FOX News.)

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An early proto type of the new "Sexy Sub."

Here in the secretive offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, it is something like living in a spy thriller, so imagine our maniacal thrill when we learned the U.S. Navy was going to build submarines for hot chicks.  It’s just like a James Bond movie, and natch, the subs would belong to SPECTR.  But in this case they will belong to the Navy.  Whether or not they’re an arch villain depends on your point of view.  Not in my view.  I think the Navy is cool.  Especially now.

The Navy is now preparing a plan that will—for the first time ever—allow women to serve on submarines.  That’s right.  ABC News reported that an unnamed defense official (See?  An unnamed defense official) reported that Defense Secretary Robert Gates notified Congress of the plan.  So what is, exactly, the plan?  “Um,”  the Navy stuttered, “we’re going to set up separate living quarters for women.”  What?  Is that all?  That can’t be all.  What about the hot chicks?

I quickly dispatched my spies to find the true story.  What they found is exciting and frightening.  It’s a plan shocking in its boldness.  Horrible in its destructive capabilities.  I now publish here, for the first time ever, the Navy’s secret plan.  My reporting the plan may be against the law, but you know, freedom of the press, batten down the hatches, and so on and so forth.  I swear to you that this is true…it’s true that this is what my spies told me.

Here are the facts:  The navy is building subs for women.  They will be staffed only by hot chicks. The subs will be painted pink and phallic in appearance, and the interior will be opulent and luxurious.  Each sailorette will have private quarters, decorated in pink with fresh flowers everyday, grown right in the ships nuclear green house, and the beds will be elegantly adorned in silk sheets and down comforters with matching duvet covers, all purchased from the new supplier to the U.S Navy, The Comfy Bedroom, purveyors of fine bedding from famous designers like Pierre Cardin, Ralph Lauren, and Martha Stewart.

The uniform.

The uniforms of the sailorettes will be hot pink, extra short dresses with little sailor caps cocked coquettishly to the right.  Sailorettes caught cocking their caps to the left will be diciplined severely:  A bare-bottom spanking, but not too hard.  Room service is available.

Sailorettes may wish to take advantage of the sauna and the bubble bath hot tubs in the spa, where clothing is not allowed.  The kitchens will be staffed by top female chefs who will prepare 5-Star dishes of all nationalities, including a special diet menu with a selection of salads.

As for weaponry, that is where the subs get truly devastating.  Torpedo’s will be shaped like lipstick tubes with the red lipstick part being the nuclear warhead.  The ships will come equipped with a new, top secret underwater announcement device, allowing the submarines to actually speak to enemy subs.  Soldierettes are now being trained to say such phrases as, “Not tonight, Honey, I have a headache,” and are being encouraged to make fun of the size of the enemies wieners while laughing cruelly.  This will have a devastating effect on the hostile forces.

Calls to the Pentagon for a comment were quickly re-routed to the CIA, on whom this reporter quickly hung up.  I am currently lobbying to be the only reporter from a major news organization allowed to accompany the first Sexy Sub on its maidenhead voyage.

I promise to behave myself.

Adapted from naval-technologies.com by Reilly Creative.

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facebook Max-B flickr

Here in the convivial offices of The Curmudgeon, we are a social company.  Lots of company parties and whatnot.  Many of the employees share personal information on Facebook, MySpace, & Twitter, though why anyone would want to know that Bobby threw-up the sushi he ate for lunch escapes me.

When President Obama was asked by a kid what advice he had for growing up to be President, he said be careful what you post on Facebook.  He knew what he was talking about.  Harris Interactive did a study and found that 45% of employers use social networks to check out job applicants.  Scary enough, but worse, 35% didn’t hire someone based on what they saw there.  “Holy status update,” Batman!

Your current boss may be doing it too.  Badmouthing him or the company?  Hello unemployment.  I check up on my employees.  They keep friending me (BIG MISTAKE).  I’ve only yelled at one worker though, for reporting how drunk he got in the company Irish Pub during work hours, not for getting drunk but for telling the world about it.  Just in case the authorities or somebody’s mother is reading, we confiscate keys and they are given a ride home with the car service I pay for.  (Note to self:  Hire a car service, damnit.)  Don’t you wish you worked for me?  Just use a little discretion and don’t make a habit of it.  Fine Irish whiskey is to be sipped and savored, not swigged down in some “I can hold my liquor better than you” drinking game.

But there are other pitfalls too, worse perhaps.  Burglars love the social networks, though they’re not very social.  So go ahead and tell everybody your’re going on vacation to Europe for two weeks, or you could go to the roughest bar in the city, stand up and say, “Attention everybody.  I’m going to Paris for two weeks and my house will be empty.  By the way, I live at 666 Dumbass Lane.”  One such man announced he was going to Kansas City, and then posted constant updates about it.  He came home to find his house cleaned out, including the very expensive editing equipment he used to put together videos that he posted on Facebook.  “It was like they knew what they were looking for,” he later said.  They knew what they were looking for all right.  They were looking for an idiot on Facebook.

Spouses use it during divorces.  You might have evidence of an affair, or said how hungover you were which will be used against you during the child custody phase.   “Bye kids.  The bad judge man wont let mommy keep you. He said she has a Zinfandel  problem.

Still not convinced?  Here’s a couple that will hit you in the pocket book:  The IRS is starting to use it during tax disputes.  Cha-Ching! As they get more and more aggressive, soon they’ll probably have a computer that looks for social network information automatically, and they may be doing it already.  But wait! Order today and you also get….higher insurance premiums.  Insurance companies are pondering this move even as we speak.  Cha-Ching! More expensive homeowners insurance, coming soon to an insurance company near you.  Writing references to drinking or reckless behavior?  Cha-Ching! There goes your driver’s insurance.

Identity thieves love these sites.  I’m not going to even get into phishing and virus’s.  Just remember to be very careful with what you post.  Just ask yourself, “What evil could I do with this information,” and you’ll be alright.  Maybe.

Now that’s social networking.

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butt_face

Here in the well-defended offices of The Curmudgeon (we have an alarm system you know, not to mention a few boobie traps) we are mixed on the issue of citizens owning handguns.  I think the waiting period is a good idea, after all, if you have a legitimate need for a firearm, then what’s your hurry?  “But Crusty,” you say, “criminals aren’t getting their handguns legitimately anyway, so it doesn’t deter them.”  Um…okay…you’re making my head hurt.  Let’s just put it this way: no one should be allowed to own a handgun…unless it’s me.  After all, guns don’t kill people.  People with guns kill people.  But seriously, I don’t have a problem with it.  I just think there should be rules.

The handgun debate is really not at issue here, except that they sometimes fall into the wrong hands and sometimes accidents happen.  And sometimes people are stupid.  All three are true for a Fort Meyers man who accidentally shot himself in the tucas, as reported on news-press.com.  Timothy Allen Davis, 22 years old and so much to learn, told the cops that when pulling a shirt from his drawer, his .380 semiautomatic handgun flipped in the air, landed and fired, hitting him in his caboose.  It reminded me of the Three Stooges.  Whenever Mo got shot in the butt, he ran around yelling, “I’m losing my mind!”

He didn’t even know he’d been hit, but when he went to tell his sister everything was fine and dandy, she noticed blood coming from his pants in the rear.  Let me tell you, if you ever have blood coming from your ass you’d better hope it’s from a bullet.

When asked for a statement, the gun said, “It was self-defense!”

Darwin is rolling over in his grave, convinced now his “survival of the fittest” theory is wrong…all wrong!”  I am against this increasing interloping by the government.  I suppose the bottom (pun intended) line is, I do believe in preserving our rights and the rights of man.

Let us never take away the right of man to shoot himself in the ass.

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