Man Sues Royals Over Hurled Hot Dog

Photo by brighterworld, flickr, Fair Use Rights, http://www.flickr.com/photos/13309333@N00/1994537800

Here in the star chamber, i.e., The Curmudgeon offices, we are no stranger to frivolous lawsuits.  We have expressed our outrage over them previously, not to mention that we were once sued by a man claiming that his head exploded after reading one of our posts.  So when a Kansas City man sued the Royals over a wiener, our interest was peaked.

When a fan sits close to the field, they are on the lookout for foul balls possibly conking them in the head and causing serious injury, but they are seldom on the lookout for a flying frank, especially one that is thrown from the field.

But that’s what happened when the Royals mascot, Sluggerrr, pitched a red hot into the stands and hit John Coomer in the eye, causing serious injury.  Or so he claims in a $25,000 lawsuit against the franchise.  What injuries could a wind-up with a wienie cause?  According to Coomer, the meaty missile caused a detached retina and the development of two cataracts, necessitating two eye surgeries.  Furthermore, he now has permanent impairment and is a greater risk for future eye problems.

“When they took me to the first aid station, they offered me a free wiener for my trouble. I accepted it and it was terrible. Tasted like dogsh*t.  I should sue ’em just for severing substandard hot dogs. If they had seved Ballpark franks…that would have been different.”

“We’re not going to comment of future litigation regarding our wieners,” spokesman David Holzman told the Curmudgeon.  “The size of our tube steaks is a matter of public record…they’re just average wieners.”

According to several reviews, the Royals stadium has Aramark hot dogs, suppliers of crappy bulk food, and the hot dogs are awful.

Apparently, Sluggerrr agrees.  So does John Coomer.

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Girl Steps Into Open Sewer While Texting

Kawagoe manhole cover by Compound Eye / flickr

Here in the posh pad that is The Curmudgeon offices, I see texting going on all the time.  The youngsters particularly seem to enjoy it, and they traipse up and down the hall, on their way to the restroom or the copy room or the conference room or O’Reilly’s Pub, the little place I run on the second floor with an outdoor deck overlooking Puget Sound.  Make a pretty penny too, but my point is, texting texting texting, sleek little fingers tap tap tapping their vital messages such as HOWRU? GO N 2 P and IM@WRK & MY BOSS Z HOT :-P.   My point is that is exactly what Alexa Longueira was doing when she stepped into an open manhole.

Alexa Longueira - Dangerous texter.

As reported by channel 2, local N.Y. CBS news, Miss Longueira was tap tap tapping when she fell into the sewer, suffering deep cuts and bruises.   The manhole had been left unattended by a N.Y.C. Department of Environmental Protection worker.  She was helped out of the stinky confines by an apologetic DEP worker.  Nice work protecting the environment, boys!  I think eliminating the streets of 15 year old texting girls is protecting the environment.

“It was just really gross and it was shocking and scary,” CBS quoted her as saying. “Because of their careless mistake I got hurt.”  When pressed further she confessed to her mindless texting activity and added, “Regardless of whether I’m texting or not if there was a cone there I’m gong to see a big orange cone,” she said. “I walk that sidewalk every day, I don’t expect a big hole there.”  That”s right, sweetie.  You don’t have to pay one bit of attention to where you are walking.  Everyone else will take care of you.  The world is just a big, soft, fluffy cloud.  Why, last week when your mom drove into that brick wall, WTF?  That wall didn’t used to be there.  Somebody is responsible for that wall!

You and I both know what comes next.  The lawsuit.  The girl dreams about falling now, so that’s like mental anguish and loss of sleep.  And the mother confirmed they might sue.  “It could have been an elderly person, a mother pushing a stroller. It could have been anyone.”  Yes, but it wasn’t.  It was your dumb ass daughter.  True, the manhole should not have been left open and someone could have gotten hurt, but the girl has to share some responsibility as well.  Put your damn phone in your pocket and watch where you’re going.

BCNUL8R

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