Katy Perry Topless in Esquire: America’s New Pin-Up Girl

Katy Perrry appears topless on UK Esquire cover.

Here in the fantasy-driven offices of The Curmudgeon, we are rather fond of the old, 1550’s era pinups. Those American icons of home-grown beauty that made our boys shoot down some Nazi aircraft and come on home for their own apple pie, corn-fed gal. Sure, there were your lascivious gals meant for flash lights and hiding spaces, but I refer to the ones that adorned boys’ bedrooms, gas stations, and soldiers lockers everywhere. Who can forget Betty Grable showing her shapely bum (clothed) and inviting, joyful smile, even men such as me who weren’t around then, nor yet even a gleam in our Papa’s eye.

Of course this was before we discovered that foreign accents make us crazy, or an exotic, over-seas look speak not only of the mysteries of lands far away, but the mysteries of the Female. And there’s another reason, and I could tell you why that is, but this is not the time. No, this was when we were innocent and un-jaded, the very paragons of middle-class morality and sensibility.

Taking her cue from those more innocent and mildly provocative styles, Katy Perry, that Santa Barbara girl born into a show business family, has adopted the pin up look. Slightly more sexually tempting when you consider her hit song, “I Kissed a Girl,” and she liked it…and I did too, if only I had been there to see it. Especially consider her nearly nude cover photo in the upcoming European issue of Esquire. (And why the heck isn’t it Americas cover too? Because we have all the morally uptight, self-righteous jerks running around complaining about sex and selling war, the hypocritical sons of…um…their mamma’s who probably did it in the back of a model T!)  And shes looking pretty damn hot on this months cover of Rolling Stone too (see below.)  It’s all pure show business, of course, manipulation of boys and men, but she has her share of girl fans too…and a few enemies. Jealousy, no doubt.

Consider Beth Ditto (no, I hadn’t heard of her either till she dished my Katy), that human cow who said, “I hate Kate Perry!” And why did this horror, this sirenian example of a female hate Kate? For singing, “I Kissed a Girl,” who isn’t even a lesbian, which Ditto is, or a dyke actually, or a Bull Dyke to be more accurate. She has to be since no man will touch her. Now I don’t want to offend my lesbian friends, of which I have many, but they are lesbians for the right reasons and they’re not ugly people (I mean on the inside. That kind of ugly. Their looks are unimportant, unless they’re hot, at which time I fall for them in a big way, only to have my hetero heart broken into a million pieces.) I wrote a scathing piece at the time called, “Kate Perry dissed by Beth Ditto: Kate’s a Fake Lesbo!”

Betty Grable

But Kate has figured out an angle for her success, and there is no star who doesn’t manipulate us in some way (or their publicists, agents or somebody does.) So I don’t mind.

Farrah Fawcett

Katy is pretty, sure, but it’s really the gimmick that grabs us. The flashback to those innocent times…and the promise of naughty times to come. And of course those imminently singable songs on fantasies that we dream about.

Will she ever rise to the level of Betty Grable ?  Or Farah Fawcette whose feathered hair were entwined in many a boy’s imaginary fingers, or Raquel Welch whose….well, you don’t need to know what MY fantasies were about as I stared entranced at the poster of her from 10,000 Years B.C.  I really don’t know.  We’re not the same place.  There’s far more revealing and provocative stuff to see, but bless her heart, Katy harkens back to those times when things seemed easier, more basic, and a simple picture of a beautiful woman was enough to drive our fantasies and turn us into men… or women.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I give you….Kate Perry!  Americas new Pin-Up Girl!

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In Search of the Elusive Female Whale Tail

Photo by mikebaird / flickr

Here in the oceanic eco-friendly but not all wet Curmudgeon offices – currently located in the Pacific Northwest with offices over-looking Puget Sound – we have seen our share of spectacular whale tails.  Both the beautiful Orca tail, rising above the water with a playful but dangerous slap back onto the water, but also the illusive land whale tail, that which belongs to human women.  Their tails involve a playful but dangerous slap too, but that’s another fish-out-of-water story.

Ahoy

For those of you who don’t know, we speak not of whale-sized women and their behinds, but rather when the back of a (hopefully) hawt young girl’s g-string or thong appears above the level of her low-rise jeans, much like the whale’s tail appearing above the water’s surface.  This look is said to have  been popularized by Christine Aguilera and Brittany Spears.  In fact, I could have easily included pictures of these two pop tarts, but there are, as they say, lots of whale tails in the sea.

Off the starboard bow!

I don’t know who first coined the term “whale tail,” but I wish it were me.  It’s clever and funny and, gosh darn it, that’s exactly what they look like.  I must confess that I like the look too.  The fashion.  The statement, which is something like, “wouldn’t you like to dive into this?”  Why…yes Ma’am.  Yes I would.  I kind of get the whole Prince Charles wants to be a tampon thing, too.  I don’t know what that means and I don’t want to find out.  I don’t know why we have certain bizarre fantasies.  I don’t mind looking for their deep-rooted, twisted reasons when it’s your crazy stuff we’re talking about, but when it’s mine…fugeddaboutit.

Moby Dick

But back to whale tails.  We have this one young woman working here – Asfrid’s her name – who is like a Nordic goddess, all blond hair and creamy softness and steamier than an outdoor jacuzzi in a snow bank.  Asfrid has a whale tail almost every day and they make me want to be Jacques Cousteau.  In search of zee elusive whale tail. Give me a camera, boys…I’m going under. I think I’ll introduce the idea of casual Friday, only we’ll have whale tale Friday.  Or maybe not.  Some guy will complain and want to do plumber’s crack Friday, and that is the opposite of a whale tail.  Unless the girls want to do plumber’s crack Friday…okay, wait.  I’m getting confused.  So many options, so many tails.

No.  I guess I won’t mess with nature.  I reckon I’ll leave it to chance whether the whale tail appears or not, just like the Orca’s glorius, feisty tail.  Didn’t I say we were oceanic eco-friendly here at the Curmudgeon?

Save the Whale…Tail.

A double sighting

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