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Archive for the ‘Crazy Culture’ Category

Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the staff is multi-ethnic.  I, Crusty, am an Irish American for example (Gosh N Begorrah – which, by the way, is a phrase never uttered by a real Irishman.)  Other members of the staff include Asian, Polish, Scottish, Italian, and African American.  There are others, but I can’t remember what they are.  Not only do we see this blend of cultures here, but in businesses everywhere.  Throughout society, in fact.

I am thinking of this because of an article I read (which I read because I wrote it, and unlike some writers I know, I actually read the articles I write) entitled The Top Ten New Food Trends.  It’s a great series (if I do say so myself – and I do), but in particular I am interested in the article about the new ethnicity of food.  The article states that American Food is Now Ethnic.  The gist of it is that with all the diverse cultures now populating America, naturally our food has changed as each culture’s food influences each other.

Generally, “homogenized” is a word that is applied to various things in a derogatory fashion.  I gotta tell you, raw milk is delicious, but unless I personally know the cow that gave it to me, I’m a little wary of it.  I’d rather be safe than sour.  Homogenized is defined as A: To reduce to particles and disperse throughout a fluid, and B: To make uniform in consistency, especially to render (milk) uniform in consistency by emulsifying the fat content.

Is this such a bad thing when we apply the term to our culture and the people therein?  I think not.  As a race of people, we are mixing.  While many zealots call for the purity of the Caucasian race, I think a little mixed blood is good for a people, or often is.  I offer two examples to support this statement.

Moon Bloodgood - The fact proves the theory.

Consider the dog.  The four-legged kind.  On one hand you have purebreds and on theother, mutts.  It’s a well known fact that purebreds carry with their breeds a myriad of health problems, and mutts, not so much.  Before you judge that as a weak argument (dammit, the white race is not inbred, you cry), ask yourself why you are attracted to foreigners?  Aren’t you?  A foreign accent can make me swoon, and the reason is this:  it is a deeply ingrained species survival instinct.  Spread the semen around.  Give you eggs to someone who will help your line survive.  They’re from far away so you are not likely to share their blood.

Secondly, some offspring of mixed race couplings are stunningly beautiful.  First of all, I want to say that there are beautiful women from most cultures (and I’m sure for you ladies, some dudes too), but when you combine a race with Caucasian, look out.  I wonder if to a Japanese person a Caucasian looks better if they also have some Japanese blood.  I suspect that’s true, and the same for other races.  Halle Berry, anyone?  Think of it as blending two types of grapes and making a stunning blended wine.  The combination of the two produces a much better result than each grape would have on its own.

Share a glass of wine with the mixed-race person of your choice tonight.  Or just a person of a different race.  If you drink enough wine, maybe you’ll make your own fine vintage.

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Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the big boss (that’s me) doesn’t tolerate lawsuits against Crusty Curmudgeon Enterprises, hereinafter referred to as The Company.  As an example, when an employee stormed into my office claiming his stapler was faulty, which caused a puncture wound to the alleged victim, hereinafter referred to as “azzole,” and he threatened to sue The Company, I took the alleged faulty stapler from him and stapled his tongue to the alleged roof of his mouth.  Primarily because he was way stupid.

Now, in Dover, N.H., a high-school student named Dubois, probably the unfortunate offspring of the aforementioned “azzhole,” attached a clamp to one nipple while a second student attached a clamp to the other nipple, and a third student plugged it in.  The shock was so severe his heart stopped and Dubois now claims he suffered permanent brain damage.  I contend he demonstrated he already had brain damage.

Now he – and his money-grubbing parents – are suing the teacher, the school, and the city of Dover.  I had never imagined a lawsuit arising from a Three Stooges routine.  While people named Dubois have famously “always depended on the kindness of strangers,” this branch of the family is depending on everyone else to make them rich.

Their claim is that the teacher failed to warn the stupids…er…students…about the dangers of electricity. What’s next, teachers will have to warn all students about the dangers of jamming pencils into their eyeballs?  Besides,  aren’t the dangers of electricity something parents are supposed to teach their kids from the time they are babies?  But I guess it wouldn’t pay to sue themselves.  They have ruined that teacher’s life and they should be ashamed (plus the whole family should have clamps attached to their nipples and plugged in, but that only happens in Crusty’s world.)

Of course, there’s an attorney who agreed to this farce and that’s why lawyers are so often despised.  Fact is, there are some good lawyers out there, and when you need one, well…I hope you get one.

If there’s a God in heaven, or a decent judge on the bench, this case will be thrown out of court and the family and attorney given a stiff fine for filing a frivolous lawsuit.

Now that would be shocking.

(Information for the story came from WTOP.com and AP.)

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Katy Perrry appears topless on UK Esquire cover.

Here in the fantasy-driven offices of The Curmudgeon, we are rather fond of the old, 1550’s era pinups. Those American icons of home-grown beauty that made our boys shoot down some Nazi aircraft and come on home for their own apple pie, corn-fed gal. Sure, there were your lascivious gals meant for flash lights and hiding spaces, but I refer to the ones that adorned boys’ bedrooms, gas stations, and soldiers lockers everywhere. Who can forget Betty Grable showing her shapely bum (clothed) and inviting, joyful smile, even men such as me who weren’t around then, nor yet even a gleam in our Papa’s eye.

Of course this was before we discovered that foreign accents make us crazy, or an exotic, over-seas look speak not only of the mysteries of lands far away, but the mysteries of the Female. And there’s another reason, and I could tell you why that is, but this is not the time. No, this was when we were innocent and un-jaded, the very paragons of middle-class morality and sensibility.

Taking her cue from those more innocent and mildly provocative styles, Katy Perry, that Santa Barbara girl born into a show business family, has adopted the pin up look. Slightly more sexually tempting when you consider her hit song, “I Kissed a Girl,” and she liked it…and I did too, if only I had been there to see it. Especially consider her nearly nude cover photo in the upcoming European issue of Esquire. (And why the heck isn’t it Americas cover too? Because we have all the morally uptight, self-righteous jerks running around complaining about sex and selling war, the hypocritical sons of…um…their mamma’s who probably did it in the back of a model T!)  And shes looking pretty damn hot on this months cover of Rolling Stone too (see below.)  It’s all pure show business, of course, manipulation of boys and men, but she has her share of girl fans too…and a few enemies. Jealousy, no doubt.

Consider Beth Ditto (no, I hadn’t heard of her either till she dished my Katy), that human cow who said, “I hate Kate Perry!” And why did this horror, this sirenian example of a female hate Kate? For singing, “I Kissed a Girl,” who isn’t even a lesbian, which Ditto is, or a dyke actually, or a Bull Dyke to be more accurate. She has to be since no man will touch her. Now I don’t want to offend my lesbian friends, of which I have many, but they are lesbians for the right reasons and they’re not ugly people (I mean on the inside. That kind of ugly. Their looks are unimportant, unless they’re hot, at which time I fall for them in a big way, only to have my hetero heart broken into a million pieces.) I wrote a scathing piece at the time called, “Kate Perry dissed by Beth Ditto: Kate’s a Fake Lesbo!”

Betty Grable

But Kate has figured out an angle for her success, and there is no star who doesn’t manipulate us in some way (or their publicists, agents or somebody does.) So I don’t mind.

Farrah Fawcett

Katy is pretty, sure, but it’s really the gimmick that grabs us. The flashback to those innocent times…and the promise of naughty times to come. And of course those imminently singable songs on fantasies Raquel Welchthat we dream about.

Will she ever rise to the level of Betty Grable ?  Or Farah Fawcette whose feathered hair were entwined in many a boy’s imaginary fingers, or Raquel Welch whose….well, you don’t need to know what MY fantasies were about as I stared entranced at the poster of her from 10,000 Years B.C.  I really don’t know.  We’re not the same place.  There’s far more revealing and provocative stuff to see, but bless her heart, Katy harkens back to those times when things seemed easier, more basic, and a simple picture of a beautiful woman was enough to drive our fantasies and turn us into men… or women.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, girls and boys, I give you….Kate Perry!  Americas new Pin-Up Girl!

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By jltabak on Photo Bucket

Here in the touchy-feely offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we are huggers all.  I suppose this is because my erstwhile crack staff takes their cue from me.  I am a touchy-feely guy, due to my upbringing and young adulthood in show business.  Us performers are huggers, and are quick to touch a woman’s hand or shoulder, or offer a hug, at least to a pretty woman.  That must be a burden for the lady, guys compelled to touch or hug her constantly, but maybe she shouldn’t be so attractive?  Okay, that’s not fare, but C’est la vie.  It is different with two Males however.

There was an art to two males hugging.  First, you must make sure that the other male is also a touchy-feely guy.  If he’s not, best not to do it.  There are times and people with whom it is appropriate with or not.  In addition, the male hug, unless you’re very good friend, requires what I call “The Barrier Handshake.”  That is first shaking hands, keeping that grip, and then the brief hug while your hands and arms are in between you, to prevent too close of contact.

So that’s the history of my hugging experience in my time.  What intrigues me about the current fad among teenagers, is the frequency of hugging, the frequent hugging of males, and these massive group hugs.  I don’t think there is anything wrong with it, and probably quite the opposite, representing a non-sexual closeness that has been lacking in our society in the past.  Oh, perhaps it happens with too much frequency and casualness, which thereby lessons its meaning and intent, but harmless nevertheless.  What is really surprising to me is the majority of adults freaking out over the new hugging trend.

What’s their problem?  For starters, they don’t understand it.  They haven’t any experience in this area (unlike yours truly) and therefore view it suspiciously.  After all, if they don’t get it, then something evil – or at least dirty – is afoot.  This fear in ignorant adults (the true meaning of the word ignorant being applied here: Showing or arising from a lack of education or knowledge.  It doesn’t mean they’re stupid; they just are uneducated on this subject.) but these misconceptions  have actually caused some schools to ban hugging.  As though surely there are orgies going on in secret from which this hugging epidemic springs.

Perhaps a little compromise is in order here.  Do it less during school, and less publicly.  You know, sometimes compromise can work greatly in your favor. The adults will chill out a little, and you may actually gain more freedom.

Rest assured though that Crusty is on your side, especially on this matter.  Sure, sometimes I may tell you things you don’t want to hear, but I truly believe I am speaking the truth, but my only regret in the hugging craze is I can’t get in there for a hug or two.

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Here in the callipygian offices of The Curmudgeon, we are appreciative of the female form, all shapes and sizes, and not limited to only desiring one body type. There is much beauty to be seen, if you’d only look with an open mind.

Sumlee Anderson: You've got to admit, that looks mighty interesting!

There are some men however that have a predictilation toward a large posterior, which is fine with me, whatever makes your thermometer rise. But there is now another dangerous trend just now developing. The trend I speak of is Booty Pop Underwear. This is panties that make women appear to have a larger behind than they actually have. The purpose of said panties is arguably to attract men, just like the miracle bra before them.

This is blatant false advertising. Should you find yourselves in a romantic situation, the thing that attracted the man to you in the first place turns out to be an illusion. This can be compared to a man who stuffs his underwear with a pair of socks. The woman think he has a big deli dill pickle and he turns out to have nothing more than a little sweet gherkin. You would not be pleased at the hocus pocus, would you ladies? I think not, so why do you insist on doing the same to men (or maybe to make other women jealous.) I don’t even want to get started on breast enlargements, but at least they’re actually there, real or not. Your new big bottom won’t be, in the same way that your miracle bra’d chest isn’t really there.

Of course the bottom line (Ha! I said bottom) is I don’t really care. It’s kind of funny, both men’s desire for an extra-large bottom and the women that pretend to have them. It wasn’t all that long ago that a big bottom was an object of ridicule. I don’t mind them either. Sometime, I rather like them. There’s just more, you know, and more is a good thing.

I like big butts and I cannot lie,

A big butt can make me cry,

You can do push up and sit ups,

But please don’t loose that butt

Or something like that.

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"Vampire Girl" by lovelessbloodyrose

Here in the sensible offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we do not engage in dangerous activities, so far as I know.  We have heard of a recent fad by teenagers that has, frankly, troubled us.  Teenagers will invent fads, things their parents never thought of.  They will push the envelope, and are, to their own minds, indestructible.  So it was for me and it was for you too, so let us not preach to the teenagers today, but try instead to understand their warped little mind.

That being said, sometimes our knowledge and experience is often actually valuable, but the difficulty lies in convincing teenagers of this fact, which doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try.  We should, but tread gently.  The disturbing phenomenon I speak of is the new affectation adopted by teenagers of biting and bloodsucking to demonstrate love.  Most teenage behavior is influenced  by movies, television, music, and pop culture.  So it is with biting.  The vampire craze is responsible.  In our day, the preferred method was the hickey, which was the sucking on skin until a red welt was left marking the spot, and the person, the object of our love and desire, and in a very real way, designated our ownership of the person.

But hickeys weren’t dangerous, just annoying.  The swallowing and exchanging of blood is downright dangerous behavior.  It’s risky business.  This is making the swallower at high risk for Hepatitis, Syphilis, and God forbid, HIV.  Without preaching, are you prepared to die for this demonstration of love?  I’m sorry to tell you you aren’t invincible, as we weren’t before you, even though we too thought we were.  That is why we can’t preach at you.  We can’t tell you what to do, you’ll just do it anyway to spite us.  All we can do is try to make you understand what we have learned and hope it makes an impact on you.

Unfortunately, the dangers do not end there.  The mouth contains 10 to 15 billion bacteria. It is a very simple matter to infect the bitee with a general blood infection, for which the standard treatment is tetanus shots.

So teenagers, what are the pros and cons of biting?  Do you feel the cons outweigh the pros, or vice versa?  We can’t make up your mind for you, but hopefully you will consider all your options and make the best choice.  I am sorry to say, the right choice is it’s not worth the risk.  But only you can decide.  Think about it, please.

Very carefully.

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Here in the mature offices of The Curmudgeon, we are all adults and childish, prudish attitudes are not tolerated.  That’s about the only thing that’s not tolerated.  Sometimes these posts lean to the adult, R rated, though they are actually rather tame.  Such is this one.  Adult oriented, I mean.  So if you are easily offended, you should stop reading right now, but I thank you very much for visiting.
It’s a tragic story, this, but is probably a behavior that many readers here engage in themselves.  A 30 year old nanny has died of a heart attack while enjoying a vibrator and viewing porn on her computer.  The story laid out when the nanny failed to show up for work.  Her employer became alarmed when she also failed to answer her phone, and traveled to her apartment, where a neighbor who had been given a key entered her apartment and found her in bed with a vibrator by her side and porn playing on the radio.  The official cause of death was heart  arrhythmia while pleasuring herself.  In short, death by vibrator.
The anti-porn people will have a field day with this one, using our erstwhile Mary Poppins for the political and religious agenda.  Leave her alone you vultures, you propagandist perpetrators.  Have a little respect for the lady and her healthy activity.  Poor dear probably never had a heart problem in her life.
Tragedy happens to good people too.
(This story was reported in The Sun UK and on The Frisky.  Special thanks to friend Paul Sagan, who tipped me off on this story.)

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Saudi Flogging (Photo courtesy of Photobucket.)

Here in the relationship conducive offices of The Curmudgeon, I don’t discourage mingling between the sexes.  Oh, I’d prefer if employees didn’t get to heavily involved with each other, but what are you gonna do?  Ban it?  Come on, that doesn’t work.  Not so in Saudi Arabia, where recently Men and Women were flogged and sentenced to prison for hanging out together at a party.

Four Women and 11 men were flogged and sent to prison.  The men – from 30 to 40 years old – and three of the women – under the age of 30 – where sentenced to an unspecified number of lashes and sentenced to one or two years prison times.  Man, that’s strict.  The fourth woman, a minor, got 80 lashes but escaped prison time.  That was awfully generous of the Saudis, who were probably aching to do some beheading, just because, you know, it’s fun.  “Woo hoo, look at that noggin roll.

The police saw them partying and watched them till dawn, letting them continue to see how far they would go.  I suppose if anyone had had sexual relations they would have used the guillotine, or as the Saudi’s call it, the Great Facilitator.

This is where fanaticism gets you every time. We should keep our eye on our own fanatics.  They are dangerous.

Every time.

(Some information for this story came from the Telegraph.co.uk.)

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Here in the athletic offices of The Curmudgeon, many of the office staff are engaged in sports.  It is unlikely that anyone is good enough to compete professionally, including yours truly, Crusty.  But now an event comes in which even I might compete.

The event takes place in Swaton England.   This is the sixth time the event has taken place and includes athletes from many countries, meticulously trained, of incredible strength and agility, their bodies fine-honed to perfection, the very essence of superhuman musculature, intelligence, and virility.  England and Germany are expected to draw the most attention, their fierce rivalry stretching back to World War II.  The competition?  Egg throwing.  That’s right.  Tossing the little white orbs that come from chickens and taste delicious.

Other teams represent the Dutch, Americans, and Welsh persons.  The most extreme competition involve a medieval siege machine resembling a catapult called a trebechet.  Teams launch their eggs at a human target 390ft (120m) away at speeds of 100mph (161kph).  The human target is himself an accomplished athlete, superior to other humans, Joel Hicks, the world gravy wrestling champion.  He won his title in Lancashire by overcoming his opponent in a 200-litre vat of chicken gravy.

  • The egg throwing event involves a two-person team throwing a raw egg between them as far as possible without breaking it.
  • The static egg relay involves 11-person teams passing a dozen raw eggs from person to person along a 100m route.
  • The egg target throwing event involves a human target and points are awarded for distance and accuracy.
  • The eggs shot from the trebuchet can travel at speeds of 100mph (161kph) and points are awarded for hitting a human target.

Safety is taken very seriously.  Competitors wear eye protection and an orange cape.  It’s not all just serious competition.  Proceeds go to Leukemia Research, Lincolnshire Air Ambulance and other charities.

(Some information for this story came from BBC news.)

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Here in the highly fashionable offices of The Curmudgeon, we have an open dress policy.  Not just casual Fridays, but casual everyday of the week if you feel like it, or dress up big time if that floats your boat.  Without exception, the ladies wear comfortable shoes, some even wearing tennis shoes, which is what I wear so how could I expect different from an employees?  Oh, sometimes the ladies dress up in high-heels and whatnot at the end of the day when they’re heading out for a date, or whatever it is they do out there in the cruel world, and I must confess that they look hot in those 4 inch pumps, but all day long?  Never.

That is why the following story caught my interest:  In the UK, teenage girls are being taught how to wear high-heels in a college government funded course.  The 6-week course is called Sexy Heels In The City and costs L150 ($268.02) at London’s South Thames College.  Oh, and the class also gives lessons on how to carry designer handbags.  Well, of course it does!

According to instructor Chyna Whyne – a Jamaican London gal who writes, composes, and cut’s albums in a sort of Reggae Pop style , “At some point, girls from the age of 15 upwards will start wanting to wear high heels,” she said.  “The earlier younger ladies learn how to walk in heels, the better it’s going to be in the long run – with business and social lives.”  Okay…sure. Just Google her name and you’ll get some songs and videos you can listen to.  She’s legit.

My guess is if this class is successful there will be others.  Coming next will be Styling You Own Hair to Make Men Hot, Make-Up Secrets, and A Real Woman Has Long Nails.  Then the graduate course, How to Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed.  I can’t imagine what that one will be about.  How to snore maybe?  That would drive me crazy.

I think it’s a great idea.  Let’s doll the little ladies up so they can make our tongues wag.  It’s about time we encouraged women to be real women again.  No more of this butch stuff.  Teach ’em to wiggle when they walk and stick their chests out. (Oh, I’m gonna hear about this!)  I wonder if this course could ever happen in the U.S.?

Somehow, I don’t think so.  Oh well.  As Aerosmith said:

Walk This Way

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