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Posts Tagged ‘weird news’

Photo from litwc.com

Here in the sharp-witted offices of The Curmudgeon, we are no strangers to tattoos, having written about them and a few of the employees tattooed like something out of Ray Bradbury’s The Illustrated Man. I personally am not a fan of tattoos (being borderline Aichmophobic), and have likened tattoos on a pretty woman to drawing on a beautiful painting with a sharpie. But this takes the cake: a man in Louisville is going to prison for tattooing a 19 month old child.

He tattooed the child late one night while a 17 year-old relative of the child held the child down across her lap. Heck, it was just a little tattoo; the outline of the letter “A”, the first letter in the child’s name.  The man was sentenced to 3 years in prison. What?  You think that’s too extreme a punishment?  Consider this: It wasn’t even his child. The assistant prosecutor said, “I don’t know who’s idea it was. It was late in the evening and apparently someone thought it was a good idea.”

He faced a possible 8 years in prison, but was given a reduced sentence due to his incomparable idiocy. When asked by the judge at his hearing if he wanted to say anything, the man said, “If I may make a point, your honor, I’ve never been the sharpest knife in the drawer. Normally I just poke around, but the child kept needling me…sticking it to me, you might say.” Okay, he didn’t say that.  Instead, he didn’t speak. I think he should have at least explained his shoddy work.

He won’t start serving his sentence right away because he’s got to complete his current prison sentence for domestic violence and a violating a protection order. What a loser.

See?  I’ve said it all along:

Tattoo bad

(Information from: CantonRep.com)

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MBK (Marjie), flicker, Creative Commons, http://www.flickr.com/photos/mbk/2387406602/in/photostream/

Here in the health conscious offices of The Curmudgeon, we may partake in healthy eating practices, but we are not above a couple of Big Bufords from Rally’s or a bag of sliders—and plenty of ’em—so it’s not odd to consider that a fellow may have met a woman in a White Castle.  What is surprising, is this fellow went to White Castle to meet a hooker, and have an assignation in the bathroom.  What a romantic spot for sex, eh?

You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.  So this guy—William Ferris, obviously a handsome, adventurous guy—goes  into the john with the hooker and she only kisses and performs oral sex on him.  He thought he was going to get more than that, I mean, $50 bucks is worth the works, right?  He was pissed off.  So he did what any intelligent guy would do:  He called 911 to report the crime of robbery.

No matter what you may think, cops aren’t dumb.  The dude’s story isn’t making sense to the officers that responded to the scene.  Wouldn’t you know it?  He gets two “not dumb” cops who probably want to make detective.  They question him.  They grill him.  They make him repeat his story a hundred times.  They taunt him by swinging a Tak-Home-A-Sak in front of him, promising him all he can eat if only he’ll tell them the truth.  Ferris can’t take the pressure and he confesses.

What a dumb ass.  He was charged with solicitation and making a false police report.  He was also warned that he will be charged with trespassing if he “returns to the White Castle on Harrison Avenue.  Presumably, he can still meet hookers at the White Castle on Henry street.

White Castle doesn’t deliver. Neither does the hooker.

(This story appeared on TMZ.)

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Photo by: michaelk42, flickr, Creative Commons, http://www.flickr.com/photos/felixcat/3854669370/

Here in the jolting office of The Curmudgeon, I am the only person who carries a Taser, as far as I know.  I rarely use it, saving it for dangerous  situations, such as an employee asking for a raise.  I’m sure we can all agree I am justified in utilizing it in such dire circumstances.  Heck, the cops use them all the time. So much easier than actually wrestling anyone to the ground.  They recently tasered a student.  It was a student in Day Care.  He was 10 years old.

The shocking moment happened at Tender Teddies Day Care.  A call had gone out to cops saying a 10-year old was out of control.  Well, we must control our 10-year olds, otherwise we’ll have legos strewn about everywhere.  So they did what any adult in their right mind would do; they slapped him, but wanting to make absolutely sure he was subdued, tasered him.  You know what people look like when they’ve been tasered?  Imagine now a 10-year old boy.  Ha, ha, funny isn’t it?

Not as funny perhaps as last November, when as Arkansas cop tasered a 10-year old girl for refusing to take a shower and then throwing a tantrum.  Boy, they sure wanted that girl to take a shower.  But she really didn’t want to, so she kicked the cop in the balls.  Nobody but nobody kicks officer Morgateroyde in the jewels and gets away with it.

But back to the recent 10-year old tasering.  The mayor’s office and the Police Department said it was done to prevent the kid from harming the staff, other kids, or himself.  He was kicking and screaming and wouldn’t stop.  That is mighty peculiar behavior for a child, you must admit.  I do think they might have tried something else, like…I don’t know…grab him or something.  Of course, once he levitated and his head spun around they should have called an exorcist.

Don’t worry, you politically correct types, the cops are being punished.  They’ve been suspended with full pay.  That must really hurt.  Well heck, he was kicking and screaming, so why not?

Hurts like a taser.

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"It wasn't me." Photo by JMita Studios, flickr, http://www.flickr.com/photos/junie_moon_photoshare/3329480222/

Here in the soothing, aromatic offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, we have the most modern air exchange/purification system in our bathrooms that is yet possible in this age of super technology.  Yes, amid all the research of the human genome, cloning, new weapons, and medical development, some scientist actually spent his research money developing new ways to keep your bathroom from stinking.  Too bad we can’t install the system in the atmosphere over the state of Indiana.

Even as I write this to you, Indiana is being run over by giant poop bubbles.  And they smell bad.  The foul bubbles are caused by animal poop on the dairy farm of Tony Goltstein, who like most diary farmers, puts the waste from his animals in a giant lagoon.  Way back in 2006, small bubbles began poking up on the surface.

Now, 6 years later, the bubbles are the size of small houses and can be seen in satellite photos.  The fear that the bubbles may begin to float on air a little, and begin rolling across the state chasing people like The Rover giant bubble on The Prisoner, has politicians squirming for a solution, since they rightly assume the bubbles will target them first.

Farmers are an industrious breed, and Goltstein is no exception.  He has a plan.  It’s a bold plan requiring the kind of courage that made this country great.  He and his 19 year-old son, against all logic, would go out on a paddle-boat and slice them open with a knife. The Indiana environmental agency is considering the idea.  But they have some serious concerns.

“Not knowing how much volume of gas is there and how much pressure it’s under,” said Assistant Commissioner Bruce Palin, “we’re concerned with just cutting a hole.”  Yeah, what it if it stinks up the whole state?  Nobody wants to smell what’s on the inside of a giant poop bubble.  And don’t forget how damaging methane can be to the ozone.

I, Crusty, have a much bolder plan.  Capture the bubbles in an extra large butterfly net, transport them overseas and put them at various strategic locations throughout Iraq.  Then, whenever our troops have to conquer a village they can simply pop one of the balloons and move in when the inhabitants get all discombobulated.  It’s a win win situation.
Poop balloons are dangerous with documented evidence.  Just last year, a hog farmer in Minnesota was launched rocket-like 40 feet in the air when a poop balloon exploded in his manure pit, burning him and singeing his hair.

The Wall Street Journal was told by Goltstein that he had “no fear of popping them.”  All I can say is Mr Goltstein is a patriot.

He makes me proud to be an American.

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Photo by Thomas Hawk, flickr, Fair Use Rights, http://www.flickr.com/photos/thomashawk/4401212638/

Here in the mysterious offices of The Curmudgeon, we are accustomed to people disappearing only to show up two months later, like Jim in the research and development department who went to his office to work on a “new project,” and then wasn’t seen again for two months.  So it was for a Memphis woman who disappeared while staying at a Budget Inn and then showed up two months later—stuffed under the mattress.

The stunning part of the story is that the room had been rented out 3 times and the staff had cleaned the room on several occasions.  That means guests at the motel were sleeping on her corpse.  Finally, motel staff investigated the aroma coming from the room.  Did it really take two months for the body to smell?  Wasn’t there a 1 week smell and a 1 month smell?  Nobody complained to the office about the odor or the lumpy mattress.

The Memphis police are baffled at the whole thing, which the police do very well—they are superb at being baffled, but they do have an awful lot of bizarre crimes going on around them and they’re expected to sort everything out.  Just another of the reasons they shouldn’t be screwing around with busting citizens for harmless activities, oh…like, say, marijuana possession and driving 60 in in a 55 mph zone. Whether the room is now haunted is unknown, but I would guess even her ghost wanted to check out after two months.

On the customer survey card, the ghost would write:  “Stay was not satisfactory.  I was murdered.  Most unpleasant!”  But I imagine the management would try to make it up to her by offering her two free nights.  Of course the customer survey card asks the most pressing question of all:

How did you sleep?

(Information for this story came from myfoxmemphis.com.)

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Photo by brighterworld, flickr, Fair Use Rights, http://www.flickr.com/photos/13309333@N00/1994537800

Here in the star chamber, i.e., The Curmudgeon offices, we are no stranger to frivolous lawsuits.  We have expressed our outrage over them previously, not to mention that we were once sued by a man claiming that his head exploded after reading one of our posts.  So when a Kansas City man sued the Royals over a wiener, our interest was peaked.

When a fan sits close to the field, they are on the lookout for foul balls possibly conking them in the head and causing serious injury, but they are seldom on the lookout for a flying frank, especially one that is thrown from the field.

But that’s what happened when the Royals mascot, Sluggerrr, pitched a red hot into the stands and hit John Coomer in the eye, causing serious injury.  Or so he claims in a $25,000 lawsuit against the franchise.  What injuries could a wind-up with a wienie cause?  According to Coomer, the meaty missile caused a detached retina and the development of two cataracts, necessitating two eye surgeries.  Furthermore, he now has permanent impairment and is a greater risk for future eye problems.

“When they took me to the first aid station, they offered me a free wiener for my trouble. I accepted it and it was terrible. Tasted like dogsh*t.  I should sue ’em just for severing substandard hot dogs. If they had seved Ballpark franks…that would have been different.”

“We’re not going to comment of future litigation regarding our wieners,” spokesman David Holzman told the Curmudgeon.  “The size of our tube steaks is a matter of public record…they’re just average wieners.”

According to several reviews, the Royals stadium has Aramark hot dogs, suppliers of crappy bulk food, and the hot dogs are awful.

Apparently, Sluggerrr agrees.  So does John Coomer.

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Photo by Elmra on flickr

Here in the pole-dancing offices of The Curmudgeon, most of us enjoyed high-school and found it a stimulating experience.  But not as stimulating as some Canadian students whose teacher lap danced on another teacher during a school assembly.

Never willing to let a good thing go, a phone-video of the event was posted on-line, and that’s how the stuffed shirts found out about it and suspended the teachers without pay.  What?  They didn’t get raises?
The incident took place at Churchill High School in Winnipeg, where apparently they don’t appreciate extra-curricular learning and valuable job training.

The students were laughing at first, but that amusement soon turned to shock and awe.

“At first we were laughing and then it was like, ‘Oh that’s a little too far,'” The Globe and Mail quoted a 14-year-old Freshman as saying.  The poor thing.  Not ready for life after high school at all.

The school trustee, Mike Babinsky, a party pooper,  was outraged at the teacher’s behavior.  Aw, he was sooooo jealous.  It could have been him in that chair.  He was asked why he was so jealous and angry:

“He is sticking his head into her crotch, into her private area,” Babinsky told The Globe and Mail on Tuesday. “I don’t know if they’re making contact, but it’s way too close.”  He did not go on to say, “I’ll fix him…being with my woman like that.  That was my lap dance!”

Poor Babinsky.  He’s a cuckold and embarrassed about it.  One student was quoted as saying the “whole school was rattled” after that.  I’ll bet.  All those hormones rattling around in their pubescent bodies, and suddenly an idea comes along.  I wonder if enrollment in the school’s dance program has increased?

I’ll say one thing.  If this happened at more schools, attendance would be way up.  Top of the stripper’s pole.

I just hope the teacher’s got enough money stuffed into their gym pants to hold them over during the suspension.

(Information for this story came from the Globe, the Mail, and FOX News.)

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