Archive for February 25th, 2010

An early proto type of the new "Sexy Sub."

Here in the secretive offices of The Crusty Curmudgeon, it is something like living in a spy thriller, so imagine our maniacal thrill when we learned the U.S. Navy was going to build submarines for hot chicks.  It’s just like a James Bond movie, and natch, the subs would belong to SPECTR.  But in this case they will belong to the Navy.  Whether or not they’re an arch villain depends on your point of view.  Not in my view.  I think the Navy is cool.  Especially now.

The Navy is now preparing a plan that will—for the first time ever—allow women to serve on submarines.  That’s right.  ABC News reported that an unnamed defense official (See?  An unnamed defense official) reported that Defense Secretary Robert Gates notified Congress of the plan.  So what is, exactly, the plan?  “Um,”  the Navy stuttered, “we’re going to set up separate living quarters for women.”  What?  Is that all?  That can’t be all.  What about the hot chicks?

I quickly dispatched my spies to find the true story.  What they found is exciting and frightening.  It’s a plan shocking in its boldness.  Horrible in its destructive capabilities.  I now publish here, for the first time ever, the Navy’s secret plan.  My reporting the plan may be against the law, but you know, freedom of the press, batten down the hatches, and so on and so forth.  I swear to you that this is true…it’s true that this is what my spies told me.

Here are the facts:  The navy is building subs for women.  They will be staffed only by hot chicks. The subs will be painted pink and phallic in appearance, and the interior will be opulent and luxurious.  Each sailorette will have private quarters, decorated in pink with fresh flowers everyday, grown right in the ships nuclear green house, and the beds will be elegantly adorned in silk sheets and down comforters with matching duvet covers, all purchased from the new supplier to the U.S Navy, The Comfy Bedroom, purveyors of fine bedding from famous designers like Pierre Cardin, Ralph Lauren, and Martha Stewart.

The uniform.

The uniforms of the sailorettes will be hot pink, extra short dresses with little sailor caps cocked coquettishly to the right.  Sailorettes caught cocking their caps to the left will be diciplined severely:  A bare-bottom spanking, but not too hard.  Room service is available.

Sailorettes may wish to take advantage of the sauna and the bubble bath hot tubs in the spa, where clothing is not allowed.  The kitchens will be staffed by top female chefs who will prepare 5-Star dishes of all nationalities, including a special diet menu with a selection of salads.

As for weaponry, that is where the subs get truly devastating.  Torpedo’s will be shaped like lipstick tubes with the red lipstick part being the nuclear warhead.  The ships will come equipped with a new, top secret underwater announcement device, allowing the submarines to actually speak to enemy subs.  Soldierettes are now being trained to say such phrases as, “Not tonight, Honey, I have a headache,” and are being encouraged to make fun of the size of the enemies wieners while laughing cruelly.  This will have a devastating effect on the hostile forces.

Calls to the Pentagon for a comment were quickly re-routed to the CIA, on whom this reporter quickly hung up.  I am currently lobbying to be the only reporter from a major news organization allowed to accompany the first Sexy Sub on its maidenhead voyage.

I promise to behave myself.

Adapted from naval-technologies.com by Reilly Creative.

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Photo by limowreck666 on flickr

Here in The Crusty Curmudgeon World Headquarters we are very animal rights conscious.  That is not to say we are PETA-like, with insane tendencies, but concerned about wildlife just the same.  I don’t know how I feel about zoos.  Many will argue that zoos are the only way to guarantee a species survives.  The truth is, the wild sucks too, thanks to man, who cuts it down, pollutes it, and kills its inhabitants.  Either way, man is to blame.  Which brings me to killer whales in captivity and the tragic death of a trainer this week.

Killed was Dawn Brancheau, 40, whale trainer at Sea World in Orlando.  The attack was in front of a large audience, and by all accounts, was horrible and dramatic.

One witness, Victoria Biniak, said she saw the whole thing from the audience area.

“The trainer was explaining different things about the whale and then the trainer that was down there walked away from the window. Then Telly (the whale) took off really fast in the tank and he came back, shot up in the air, grabbed the trainer by the waist and started thrashing (her) around. He was thrashing her around pretty good. It was violent.”  She went on to say it was violent enough to cause the trainer’s shoe to fly off.

Apparantly the whale, named Tilikum, or Telly for short, doesn’t usually have a trainer in its tank because it is too large, being a 30-year old, 12,000 pound bull orca.

Nancy Black, a whale expert—you know the type—said the whale incident may have been an accident and the whale only playing.  “They are very intelligent creatures. They have emotions, and feelings. Maybe it was unhappy in the situation, maybe it was bored,” Black said.

Yeah…or maybe it was a KILLER WHALE.

It’s not like Telly, or Tilikum (remember that name),  hadn’t shown a propensity for violence previously.

In 1991, a trainer at Sealand of the Pacific in Victoria, British Columbia, was killed. Three whales were blamed for the killing.  One was Tilikum.

In 1999, a South Carolina man somehow got into a whale tank at SeaWorld Orlando after park hours and drowned. He was found with bite marks below the waste.  A forensic investigation found the bite was administered by Tilikum.

Also in 1999, a man’s body was found mysteriously draped over a killer whale’s body.  The whale? Tilikum.  An autopsy ruled that he died of hypothermia, but authorities said it appeared Tilikum bit the man and tore off his swimming trunks.

Notice how people keep mysteriously winding up in Tilikum’s tank?  I think he gets out of the tank and goes to get them.  I’m not a fancy animal trainer, and I’m no Whale Whisperer, but it seems to me Tilikum doesn’t like living in captivity.

And what about that name?  Tilikum?

Just rearrange the letters a bit.


(This story was first reported by Internet Broadcasting Systems and ClickOrlando.com, to which The Associated Press also contributed.)

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