Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for June, 2009

Photo by niko si / flickr

Photo by niko si / flickr

Here in the well-stocked offices of the Curmudgeon, we are often a bit tipsy but never snonkered, and so find today’s story particularly amusing.  Never mind that the pickled person was an attorney – that makes it as sweet as a shot of peppermint schnapps.

Lawyer getting trashed - Fox News

Lawyer getting trashed - Fox News

According to the AP, Larry Wilder, an Indiana lawyer and attorney for the Jeffersonville City Council  went out with friends for dinner and drinks, was driven home in a clients limousine, and doesn’t remember what happened after that.  Ah, the memories, or rather, the lack of memories.  The Curmudgeon doesn’t drink like that any longer, but in his past he did acquire the nickname “Captain Wonder,” as in, “I wonder what the hell I did last night?”  Good times.
A neighbor found the looped lawyer head first in the rubbish bin the next morning and called the cops.  He was cooperative though and no charges were filed since there was no crime.  If it had been you or I, there would have been charges.  Public drunkenness or vagrancy or something – anything – to make our lives just a little more miserable.  Can they charge you for “bin” drinking?  He does have to explain his actions to the City Council though, and that is going to be mighty uncomfortable – or so I’ve been told.

Out With the Trash

Photo by netream / flickr

Photo by netream / flickr

It’s de rigeur to trash lawyers, and it’s not completely unfounded.  After all, they can do some pretty slimy things.  Plus it’s aggravating when you know they created this whole complicated legal thing which only they can navigate through, that they have purposefully made it complicated, and have thereby insured their future employment, and they got it all turned into law!  So when you need one, you need one bad and you just hope he’s a little slimy.  Otherwise, you’re screwed.

Attorney Wilder is not commenting on the matter following the advice of his bums.
So the next time you find yourself magoogled, I hope you find your way back to your nice, warm, comfortable bed.  Otherwise you may find yourself sleeping with the fishes.
Or at least the fish leftovers from somebody’s dinner.

(Photo Credits: Drink cobra, niko si, flickr
drink roadlines, Netream, flickr )

Read Full Post »

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Here in the seasonal offices of The Curmudgeon, things are very scenic.  And I’m not just referring to being on Puget Sound (if that’s where we are…I forget,)  but to the indoor attractions as well.  Things bloom in spring and people dress for the weather, and as the heat goes up so do the skirts.  Even mannequins dress for the weather.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

That’s what happened when a female mannequin was placed outside of a Barbecue establishment in Ohio.  As reported by David Goguen of the Cincinnati Enquirer, the owner of the store placed the mannequin outside as a promotion and appropriately named her BarBe.  She was wearing just a bikini top and Daisy Dukes.  She is a rather attractive mannequin.

“Oh, Lordy, Lordy,” exclaimed the fine citizens.  She was way too

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

“naughty” for their tastes.  So they made a stink about it, but heck, the business at the restaurant is up 40 percent since BarBe started working there, drawing in the customers.  In an interview with the paper,  he “showed off the catalog he picked her out from, saying “She’s got big boobs. That’s why I bought her.”  Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

The locals don’t want the hussy hangin’ out on the street, so they’ll say anything as a reason to get rid of her.   She was declared as “signage” and required a special permit to strut her stuff.  One local told the Enquirer that the sign actually draws “people who are looking for sex.” Woah.

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer

Really?  I wonder if she takes monopoly money?  I guess since there are no actual women available, a meat sandwich will work just fine.  You know…one or the other.

So the store owner put more clothes on BarBe and took her to the Design Review Board.  Barbie, they ruled, could stay – providing she puts her darn clothes on.  So she did.  No word on whether customer numbers or up or down now that BarBe isn’t showing off her unnatural charm and beauty, but I’ll bet the national publicity isn’t hurting.

The owner wasn’t happy with the decision, venting to the Enquirer that BarBe “should be allowed to wear what she wants.”

I think they should just leave BarBe alone.  She is kind of hawt.

I suddenly have a craving for some barbeque.

(Photo credit: All photos by Michael E. Keating, The Cincinnati Enquirer)

Read Full Post »

Shaker Heights High School Yearbook

Shaker Heights High School Yearbook

Here in the Curmudgeon Offices we are practical jokers.  We are also big fans of subliminal stuff, like the naked woman hidden on the pack of Camel cigs.  If you combine practical joking with subliminal, we are ecstatic.  When you consider the story of the high school kid who hid the F-word on his school’s yearbook, it fits all the criteria.

An art student in a fancy Cleveland suburb drew a modern interpretation of the school’s “Red Raider” mascot.  Turns out if you hold the book upside down then there it is…the “F” bomb, cleverly hidden in a throng of what appears to be people.

The writing "F*** Yawl"

The writing "F*** Yawl"

It wasn’t long before the word was noticed and then the hub bub begin.  Parents thought it was awful…the kids thought it was funny.  Now the school is putting out a new version with the profanity obscured.  Yeah, good luck getting my copy back.  The art student has already graduated but was brow beaten into making the following apology”

“I cannot begin to explain the miserable feeling I brought upon myself when I betrayed the trust of all of you,” the student wrote, according to a report in the news site Cleveland.com.

Aw, kid.  You disappoint me, but I can see how you felt you had no choice.  It’s the politically correct thing to do.  You pulled off a world-class stunt and got away scot free.  You have a future, son.  Here’s what gets me: the word is not so easy to see.  When you look for yourselves, look for the words “f*** yall.”  I think you have to really, really look for it, so I’m thinking he himself told others about the prank, otherwise, where’s the glory?

I think you really do have a future, kid.

Have you ever thought of politics?

Read Full Post »

Tricked Out Wheelchair

Tricked Out Wheelchair

Here in the opulent offices of The Curmudgeon, we are creaky but not arthritic.  This is not to say we cannot sympathize with those who are restricted by the painful condition.  Our attention this morning is focused on Ariel Wade.  There she was, cruising the lonely, heartbroken streets of Minneapolis after midnight, looking for action – any action cause that’s the way this chick rolls – when she pulls into the drive-thru of a White Castle for her 12-pack of sliders that she sucks down like raw oysters, when they REFUSED TO SERVE HER.  Why?  Was it out of fear of her terrible visage?  Was she brandishing a knife in a threatening manner?  No.  She was refused service because she was in a motorized wheel chair (excuse me…and electric mobility scooter.)

Well she was mad.  “Madder than fish grease,” she said, after failing to get her gassy gut-bombs.  The lobby was closed so that wasn’t an option. She popped a wheelie as she laid rubber out of the parking lot (at least in her mind) vowing revenge.  The story, first reported in the Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune by ace reporter James Eli (Three Names) Shiffer.  The next day, a district manager offered her free hamburgers, but the former exotic dancer from New Orleans was not appeased and is suing the chain.

Former Stripper with Arthritis

Former Stripper with Arthritis

“You can try to butter me up all you want to. Free meals ain’t going to work,” said Wade, 37, known among her friends as “The Professor” for her excellent use of grammar. “I want to make sure they don’t discriminate against another person.”  Bullshit.  She sees an opportunity to line her pockets without working for it.  Exotic dancer, my ass.  Did you ever walk into a strip joint and the dancers were all fugly and you said to yourself, “Oh, so this is where they’ve been keeping the fat chicks.”  That’s probably the place where she worked.

Every fast food chain has the rule:  No car on the tar, no bile in the belly.  It’s for safety reasons and protection, both the customers and the establishments.  Can you imagine if she had been hit by a car?  It would have been White Castle’s fault, right?  Then the claim would be that they should have prevented her from being in the drive thru in the first place.  Or if somebody walks through the drive-thru and pulls a gun: easy to disappear by just running away instead of that pesky license plate ID thing that always give me away.

And I’m going to be the first one to say it.  I know I will hear from advocates but it’s time somebody spoke the truth:  If they had served her, before you knew what hit you there would be dangerous gangs of electric mobility scooter riders roaming the streets, crowding the drive-thru lanes of fast food establishments everywhere.  The east side “Old Fogey’s” would be out after midnight swigging from bottles of Equate.  The west side’s “Rascal Raiders” would be hitting the juice bars and frightening the children.  I say, “No!”

This is one menace I will not tolerate.

Read Full Post »

marfis75/flickr

marfis75/flickr

Here in the orgiastic but not depraved offices of The Curmudgeon, we often engage in orgies, but I speak not of the sexcapades of a group of people as we know the term today, but in it’s ancient sense of secret, late-night meetings.  Since I am the boss here, I suppose that makes me the orgiophant (a teacher or revealer of secret  rites.)  We had such a meeting just late last night, where we discussed….orgies.  Specifically, orgies – in this case a threesome – depicted in advertising.

Here’s the beef (cake): Calvin Klien has unveiled a new, giant billboard in N.Y.C. depicting 3 persons in various stages of undress – except for their Calvin’s, of course – who appear as if they are about to engage in behavior which some might find objectionable.  In other words, they’re about to get it on.

Calvin Klien BillboardI, for one, am shocked.  Shocked and repulsed.  Shocked and repulsed and disgusted.   This depravity; this vicious, vile, degenerate, immoral, shameless, lewd behavior; this profligate, debauched, lascivious, licentious and even pervy depiction of a desperate act has shaken me to my very incorruptible core, for not only have they presented an orgy in the making, but they’ve gotten it WRONG!  They’ve got it with 2 men and one woman, when everyone knows it’s supposed to be 2 women and one man.  Their way is just gross.  Ewww.

Actually my reaction is, “meh.”  As WCBS TV in N.Y.C., who first reported this story, points out, it’s not the first time sex was used to sell Calvin Klien jeans.  They interviewed Barbara Lippert, Ad Critic for Adweek Media Magazine, who said:

The billboard seems like a desperate act for Calvin Klein. I think he really wants to get back into the ballpark because he doesn’t seem relevant anymore. The worst thing would be to get no attention at all. So if you need to throw in another two or three dudes to get that attention so people will say, ‘what’ and really give it a second look, he’ll do that.”

As for me, I say, “Who gives a New York Pigeon’s posterior.”  (Well, that’s not really what I say but you get the drift.)  So the next time you see a racy billboard whose sole intention is to shock you into buying their inferior product, show your contempt and individualism by flipping it off.

And the next time you find yourself smack dab in the middle of an orgy in the making, remember these words:  “I’ve got dibs on being the orgiophant!”

(Photo credit: Threesome, marfis75/flickr)

Read Full Post »

Cat Fight, Siberian Tigers

Here in the titillated but not aroused offices of The Curmudgeon, we enjoy seeing two women together in “that” way but not in a cat fight.  I don’t know why this appeals to so many men.  The cat fights, I mean, but I don’t know why the other thing turns men on either.  I read once that men’s desire to see to attractive females in “compromising positions” together is so universal, that it exists even in the primitive tribes of faraway lands.  So prevalent in fact, that it could be considered a harbinger of whether or not a man is straight or gay.  In other words, if you don’t like seeing two sexy gals get it on, you ain’t straight.  I’m just sayin’.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton

So it is with some amusement that I report the following “cat fight” story involving Paris Hilton, who wouldn’t turn me on under any circumstances, even if I was from a primitive tribe in a faraway land.  I read the story first at contactmusic.com, but it may have been initially reported by the AP, or Pop Eater, or Time, or the New England Journal of Medicine as far as I know, since the story is everywhere, because let’s face it, this is news.  Never mind that Iran just announced they are weaponizing their plutonium – this is news, damn it! Hold the press-on nails!

So the story – which I haven’t really followed, I swear – is that Paris went around with her ass in the air telling anyone who would listen that Doug Reinhardt was her “future husband,.”  This Reinhardt guy was at the Darkroom Bar with his brother and Kendahl Beal was there with her friend.  They sort of knew each other, so the group of them were catching up and watching the Laker’s Game.  They weren’t even really flirting (and so what if they were?).  It was just nice, quiet afternoon in a bar doing shots and watching basketball.  But it was not to be.

Kendhal Beal

Kendhal Beal

Paris has spies.  They called her and told her whatever it is these dumb asses tell one another, probably something about her man out with this b**** in public.  Oh, the nerve.  Nobody does that to Paris Hilton. According to the New York Post’s PageSix, she stormed into Los Angeles’ Darkroom bar on Tuesday night (Jun09) and attacked the beauty queen with – are you sitting down? – snacks.  Hey, I never said it was pretty.  Yep, snacks.  Oh, the humanity!  She was picking up ice and fruit and flinging it.  Police officially have called the event a “snack attack.”  No word on the survival of the peanuts and goldfish crackers.

Paris dumped him publicly through her publicist shortly after.  Now that’s class.  I want a publicist to do all my dirty work too.  I wonder if hers wipes her as well.  I know a couple of girls I’m kinda sweet on.  I’m gonna have my publicist call their publicist and see if they want to get together for some…uh….snacks.

Whoa, whoa, Paris!  Are you gonna eat that banana?

Read Full Post »

photo by kmevans, flickr

photo by kmevans, flickr

Here in the inquisitive offices of the Curmudgeon, we trudge through the sewage of the Internet so you, lucky readers, do not have to.  We pull out just the interesting stuff, was it off, spray it with some sanitizer and bring it to you.  That is how we found ourselves wearing our virtual hip waders and sloshing through AOL where we came upon the following item: these 5 unfortunately named websites, whose names say more than was intended.

It makes you wonder who made up these names in the first place and ponder how much they got paid to do it, for you or I could surely do it better.  Without further jabbering from me, lets get started.

Gotahoenorth.com

gotahoenorth.com

gotahoenorth.com

Do they want us to go to Tahoe or hire a prostitute?  They both can relieve tension I’m told.  I’ve been to Tahoe and it is, without a doubt very nice, but this time I think I’ll go ta hoe.

Speedofart.com

speedofart.com

speedofart.com

Is this the fastest flatulence west of the Mississippi?  No, just a guy’s website where is sells his art.  He gets a lot of attention with this name, and this is the one where I wonder if it was named on purpose.

Whorepresents.com

whorepresents.com

whorepresents.com

No, it’s not a site where prostitutes presents their wares, but a site where a producer can look up the agents name of many famous people.  Funny, some people think that show business people are like whores so maybe this one is named on purpose too.

Penisland.net

penisland.net

penisland.net

I’m surprised there isn’t an adult site with this name.  There was a penisland.com which belonged to Pen Island, Louisana, but they changed there URL.  This one, the dot net, a seller of fine, custom-made pens, didn’t.

Therapestfinder.com

therapistfinder.com

therapistfinder.com

I always wondered where to search if I was ever looking for a rapist.  Boy, was I happy to find this site.  Unfortunately they’re not about rapists at all, and I suddenly found myself on a site dedicated to finding you a therapist.  I definitely don’t need a therapist.

So whether you are searching for a hoe, a fast fart, a land of penis’, or even a rapist, you now know where to go.

(Photo Credit: die computer, kmevans, flickr)

Read Full Post »

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »