Here in the pristine but lived-in offices of The Curmudgeon, we like to fund studies. Why, recently I funded a study called, “What Will Happen if I Drink This Entire Bottle of Scotch.” I spent a total of $30.00 dollars and conclusively determined to, “never, ever do that again.” See? Inexpensive and thorough. Study closed. That’s just one of the reasons I like to keep up on studies the government funds. Often they are “pork” inserted into congressional bills just as by-products are stuffed into a sausage casing, and they are most often absurd. This one, however, is in the upper echelons of the sublimely ridiculous.
Say It With Science
The U.S. Government is spending $423,500 to study why men don’t like wearing condoms, as documented by ABC news. The money – to be used by the Kinsey Institute – to “study barriers to correct condom use.” But it gets better. In typical Science/Grant lingo, i.e., can you guess what I’m saying, the Kinsey Institute said:
This project aims to advance our understanding of, among other factors, the role of cognitive and affective processes and condom application skills in explaining problems with condom use in young, heterosexual adult men.”
Um…what they said. Come on. I already know the answer. You already know the answer. As I have heard it explained, wearing a condom is like “taking a shower in a raincoat.” When the Kinsey Institute was asked to comment, they said, “Woo hoo!” Actually, they had no comment because their mouths were full. If they really wanted a scientific answer to this conundrum, the NIH (National Institutes of Health) could have just walked out on the street and asked the first 50 guys they saw.
Aw, Do I Have To?
With the severe economy problems this country is currently experiencing, I think there are better ways this money could have been spent. Heck, they should have given me the money. No, I’m serious. I could’ve just saved them half a mil, so send me some more studies and I’ll solve them at a fraction of the cost. Why do cattle have a high rate of flatulence? Because they eat grass all day. Why do men dislike cutting the grass? Because they have to feed their cattle. See? I just saved the Government 1 million bucks.
ABC spoke with Jazz Shaw, assistant editor for the news blog themoderativevoice.com, and asked him “why, exactly, men often put up a fight when they’re asked to wear a condom, Shaw said the feeling experienced during intercourse is altered — and not for the better — by the condom.”
“The physical sensation is simply not the same,” Shaw said.
I could have told them that.
Note: To all you Don Juans: Please wear a condom… whether you like it or not.
(Photo Credit: Condoms , Peachy92, flickr )