Archive for June 4th, 2009

Cap'n Crunch

Here in the food conscience but not cuisine restricted offices of the Curmudgeon, we like to start every day with a little breakfast, which generally consists of a piece of fruit.  The occasional bowl of cereal is also consumed, and since we believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day, we do not choose cereals like Cap’ N’ Crunch.  The only thing such a cereal can accomplish is to give you or your kids such a sugar rush that it will seem as though they’ve had a good, energy inducing meal.

Only an idiot would think that “crunchberries” were actually fruit and good for you.  Well, today’s idiot comes courtesy of loweringthebar.net.  The woman, Janine Sugawara (that name is perfect) says she bought the Cap N’ Crunch with Crunchberries because she thought crunchberries were real fruit.  She subsequently learned that that the “berries” were actually nothing more than brightly colored cereal balls, and that there wasn’t any damn fruit in the box at all.  None.  Nada.  No fricking fruit!

Let the Lawsuits Roll

Sooooooooo disappointed was she that she did what any fruit loving American would do:  She sued.  She sued ’em good. So altruistic were her intentions that she sued ’em for herself and for every other consumer that had been duped into the great crunchberry conspiracy.  It seems she – and other unnamed idiots – actually believed there were crunchberry fields scattered across the land where migrant farm worker hand picked the tiny red, purple, green and teal, for crissakes, delicacies until their fingers bled, for less than minimum wage just so she could savor the odd, crunchy, fruit morsels in her box of children’s cereal.  As the judge put it: “So far as this Court has been made aware, there is no such fruit growing in the wild or occurring naturally in any part of the world.”

Third Time’s the Lucky Charms

So the idiot was sent packing with nothing for her 4 years of trouble.  But here is what is interesting.  A very similar case was brought – and dismissed – previously.  Against whom?  Fruit Loops.  And what other attorneys would be so bold as to misuse our justice system in this way?  The same ones.  The Fruit Loops lawyers are the same as the Crunchberry lawyers.  I for one don’t think they should get the chance to “get lucky” on their third try.

These frivolous lawsuits must be stopped, and people who bring ridiculous lawsuits should be punished along with their attorneys.  So what should the punishments be in this case?

The idiot woman should have to perform public service as a migrant farm worker picking real berries.  Maybe she’ll learn something.

The Lawyers should be removed from the bar.  I think they’ve had a little too much to drink anyway.

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