Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, we are animal friendly but we’re not exactly PETA. Oh, we have gone to bat for animals, as witnessed in our post Woman Tapes Dog to Fridge: Which One’s the Bitch?, but sometimes this “political correctness” thing stretches the limits of our activism and even our comprehension. Witness the story of the Frying Rat on a Hot Tin Roof:
According to the Associated Press, “The owner of a New Jersey pest control company has been charged with animal cruelty after a squirrel was found dead in a rooftop trap.” The Chief of the Monmouth County Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, Buddy Amato (he gets to call himself “Chief?” Well, there’s your problem right there,) says the company “Critter Ridder” set a trap for the animal and no one came back to check it. Amato says the squirrel was found “cooked to death on the hot roof” Thursday afternoon.
Aw, come on! Squirrels are rats with furry tails. Are you going to go after homeowners because they set a mouse trap and forgot about it? What’s the difference, really? I’ll tell you. Squirrels are far more destructive. I can hear the bastards in my attic right now. There are holes in my eaves from where the squirrels have chipped away at the wood to get in there. I have replaced them only to have the little, cute disease-carrying rodents excavate their way back in. My trash cans have holes in the lids where they have created their own entryway. And then there is the regional legend of my Battle of the bird feeder. Not since the Alamo has a more brave fight been put up against such unbeatable odds. Nobody showed up to slap the squirrels with a citation for stealing bird food and starving our fine, feathered friends to death. Where was the ASPCA then?
And it gets even stranger: The owner of “Critter Ridder” has been slapped with four counts – count ’em, FOUR – counts of animal cruelty, and one of them cited her for “not providing the squirrel with adequate food, water and shelter.” Ha, ha! So remember, the next time you trap a mouse, you’d better set a little piece of cheese, a bowl of water and the mouse into a comfortable shoe box and call the ASPCA to come and get it. And if you happen to catch a squirrel, they’ll come and get the thing and spend thousands of dollars nursing it back to health in the million dollar Rocky and Bullwinkle Squirrel Rehabilitation Facility, then set it free into the wild, where it will quickly find it’s way back to your house, chew a hole in your eaves, and live in your attic and tap into your cable television.
Don’t you ASPCA folks have some real work to do? Aren’t their puppy mills and so-called farms where the animals are living in filth and starving to death? Why don’t you take all the money I donate to you and look into those true crimes instead, and leave the squirrels to fine, small companies like Critter Ridder.
If I lived near them, I’d hire them. They don’t deserve a citation. They deserve a trophy with a little cooked squirrel dipped in bronze for a job well done.