Here in the well-appointed but not posh Curmudgeon offices, lunchtime is approaching. Usually, the staff fends for themselves, or we all order Chinese or Deli, or we have an ersatz business meeting at one of the local brew-pubs, with steaks, chops, burgers, oysters, salads, and cold, frosty artisan beers. Not today though. Maybe never again. I’ve lost my appetite. Maybe forever.
Hey. It happens. When your job involves reading news from around the world, you come across stories that disgust and repulse you, anger you, and sometimes make you lose you appetite. The reason for my regressed hunger this morning is this story from the South African news service, IOL. The story is as follows:
Marian Milczarek, a 53 year old Polish man (where are the Polish jokes when you need them?) had a big argument with his friend, Wojciech Sowinski, over a car trailer he had asked to borrow. Apparently it was a big argument because Sowinski knocked him to the floor of his garage and began hitting him with a chain. According to Marian, Sowinski then “pulled down [my] trousers and started biting. It was agony.” I’ll bet. There wasn’t even any foreplay. If that’s how your friends do you then who needs crazed hookers…or Lorena Bobbit.
His wife found him on the floor of the garage, curled up in pain and called 911. Oh…sorry…the emergency number in Poland is 345.7890578095408*69# (Polish joke #1.) Marian was rushed to the hospital sans penis and was treated. But they couldn’t find the penis. The police and medics searched for the detached penis. They searched here, they searched there, they searched for penis everywhere. But to no avail. Why? Because Sowinski had swallowed it. Now that’s a Polish Sausage! (Polish joke #2) It was probably more like a Vienna Sausage. Well, at least he swallows.
“If we’d had the other bit of his penis we could have sewn it back on,” said Dr Adam Domanasiewicz (pronounced Davis.) If I were Marian I would have demanded they get it back. Of course, waiting for it would not do. Have you ever seen what human digestive fluids can do to a penis? Nope. I’d say, “Cut the bastard’s stomach open and get the penis pronto, wash it off, and sew that sucker back on. But that’s just me.
So that is what has caused me to “go off my feed.” And I was going to grill Kielbasa tonight too.
And finally, for Polish joke #3: How many Polish guys does it take to borrow a trailor?