Here in the art-filled offices of The Curmudgeon, we have placed a few tastefully erotic but not salacious objet d’art. I like to admire them during bouts of writer’s block or publisher’s rage. During these perusals I have often wondered exactly when modern man’s and women’s obsession with sex and the human body – specifically women’s bodies – began. Now, according to University of Tuebingen archaeologist Nicholas Conard, it was at least as long as 35,000 years ago.
35,000 years is a long time, which I think qualifies the obsession as more than just a fad, and as far as I know, it didn’t began because of the sexual content they showed on television back then as many would blame for all of society’s ills nowadays. If I may go on a brief tangent, I like sex on television, and cursing, and nudity, and all that stuff that is a reflection of real life, and if you don’t like it or you don’t want your kids watching it, then get rid of your televisions, but stop trying to change the content to please you. It’s not yours, never was, so shut your pie hole. Where was I? Oh yeah…caveman porn.
Yea, so Conard and his team are in the German cave called Hohle Fels, and they’re digging for stuff, you know, like archaeologists do, when they come across these six pieces that look like they fit together, which they do, and lo and behold, what they had was a “very sexually charged” statue of a woman. “Sexually charged.” I love that. I wish I could plug into the wall and become “sexually charged.” The statue, which is “the oldest known piece of figurative sculpture in the world,” depicts a woman with a swollen belly, wide-set thighs, and very large breasts which protrude. Okay, everyone likes breasts to protrude. Otherwise they’d be concave and that would be weird. I can hear us now: “Woah, Dude! Did you see the craters on that chick?”
Of course, they found a bunch of other stuff too but who cares. Some kind of geegaws or something. Anyway, scientists were asked to offer suggestions as to what purpose the statue held. Suggestions came… like it was a symbol of fertility or something and blah, blah, blah, until archaeologist Paul Mellars of the University of Cambridge, suggested a clearer purpose: “These people were obsessed with sex.” Hey, give the professor a cigar.
So here I sit, 35,000 years later, perusing my sexually charged objet d’art, and thinking about the long continuum of time. I can’t help but think, things aren’t so hard to explain. Everything is hardwired. I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing.
Ogling. Ogling and dreaming.