Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, the men dress fashionably but not effete. I am considered fashionable only because the fashion industry has caught up to me, with my casually rumpled shirt and course jacket, no tie and shoes that are comfortable and cool. I have always thought that people who are slaves to fashion – male or female – are misguided puppets who do what the fashionistas tell them only because the fashionistas want you to give them your money. And lot’s of it. That’s the only reason the fashion changes from year to year…so you’ll have to buy more stuff.
Think about it. Am I wrong? No. I am not. The fashion people and the advertisers have been suckering women ever since Eve put a fig leaf in front of her cootchie, but advertisers really hit pay dirt, really superseded every scam ever perpetrated, when they invented metrosexuals. They got men to spend a fortune on beauty products and clothes just like the ladies do.
I have received many letters from faithful readers who have exclaimed, “Please help me, Mr. Curmudgeon. I am buying beauty products just like the ladies do.” Well I’m happy to say that I will help. I will cure you of this metrosexual brainwashing which has gripped you in its steely maws of foppishness. So read, pay attention, and learn, Grasshopper.
Question: Dear Curmudgeon. My girlfriend complained about my beard hurting her face. I bought a faux-ivory razor by D.R. Harris & Co. for $99.00 for a really close shave, but my girlfriend still complains. What should I do?
The Curmudgeon: You paid how much for what? $99 bucks for a faux-ivory razor? Woah. How’s this: Schick Quatro Titanium Razor & Cartridges $9.49. This has four blades made from real Titanium—not faux—thank you very much. Oh, brush your teeth and gargle. It’s your breath, dude.
Question: I needed a really close shave, so I bought a badger-bristle shaving brush by Czech & Speake for $84.00. Did I do good?
The Curmudgeon: No. You did stupid. Badgers? We don’t need no stinkin’ Badgers. You should have bought a Van Der Hagen natural shave brush for $7.49. It’s natural too and it works great. Better than the hair off some Badger’s ass.
Question: I find that the shaving cream is really important to my shaving, so I use Luxe Formula shaving cream by Fresh for $18.00. That’s good, right?
The Curmudgeon: That’s good, wrong. Look Mamma’s boy, read my lips: Barbasol 2 for $3.00. It was good enough for your father and his father before him. Plus they used to put up all those cool signs along the lonely highways. That’s tradition, Dude.
Question: Hi Crusty. I like to put a good exclamation point on a shave, so I use Baldessarini Del Mar Aftershave by Hugo Boss at $49.00 a bottle.
The Curmudgeon: That’s Mr. Crusty to you. Slap a little Skin Bracer on your face, Bucko. It stings like it’s supposed to. Panty waist!
Question: I know you’re down on men’s grooming products, but I have sensitive skin and use Razor Burn Relief Plus by Lab Series for Men for $25.00.
The Curmudgeon: OK, but you don’t have to be a sissy about it. This stuff doesn’t sting, it’s been around since forever, and it smells great. Plus it’s got the word “virgin” in it: Clubman Virgin Islands Bay Rum $6.79 .
Question: I use Rush Cologne by Gucci for $40.00. You don’t have a problem with cologne, do you?
The Curmudgeon: No, I only have a problem with you. Ask yourself, “What would Steve McQueen use?” Old Spice Original, $11.99.
Question: A real man wants a deodorant when engaging in various manly pursuits like rugby. Contradiction by Calvin Klein works great for only $14.00.
The Curmudgeon: You mean “Huggy Rugby” like that picture up there? We’re not just talking about sitting around in your tighty whities here. All I have to say is Original Speed Stick by Mennen – $2.99.
Question: Damn! You’re hard to please. How about Acqua di Colonia Soap by Rance – $11.99.
The Curmudgeon: How about the Original Ivory Soap. No additives. Just soap. The next time you’re camping in the wild, you can use this stuff right in the river and it won’t hurt the trout you’re going to catch later for dinner. Plus, it’s the only soap that floats. Now that’s cool.
Question: But I like my soap to really foam and lather up.
The Curmudgeon: Listen up, nancy boy. This stuff lathers up good and smells great, like fresh cut grass. Manly, yes, but she likes it too. Irish Spring Green Deodorant Soap $2.79
Question: Guys have to cut their nails just like the ladies so I use the clippers, tweezers and nail scissors by Erbe $149.00.
The Curmudgeon: Yeah, but what color nail polish do you use? Listen, Ru Paul, These come in a leather case. 7 stainless steel tools and 1 of them is a 3 in 1 utility knife. Nuff said. – Red Men’s 7 Piece Grooming Kit $8.99
Well, class, I hope I’ve managed to help you break the metrosexual destructive spiral you’ve found yourself in. Your personal hygiene needn’t suffer. You can get the products you need at a fraction of the cost. All of my recommendations are available at Walgreens, by the way, who are not paying me but should be. Class dismissed, and lose the bottled energy water and buy yourself a nice Brita water filter.
(For more information on metrosexuals, including a great quiz to determine if you are one, go here.)