Here at the Crusty Curmudgeon, information comes across our desk from every corner of the globe. Rain or shine, it just keeps coming. The Curmudgeon staff sifts painstakingly through this info to garner only the juiciest, wickedly titillating, system shocking, stomach-churning, digestively disgusting tidbits from the disturbing world in which we live. And most of the time the stuff is so stupid it’s funny.
Hoodoo That Voodoo That You Do
From across the pond in the land of snails, surly cabbies, and ladies who wear no pants, comes this tale of a pissed-off President. An outfit is marketing voodoo dolls of French President Nicolas Sarkozy – himself no stranger to ladies with no pants – which the lucky owner can prick in various body parts and nether regions. There’s no word on whether the indiscriminate pin-sticking actually hurts the President physically, but emotionally, he’s as stewed as a pig-brain cassoulet. Sarkozy demanded a ban on the evil dolls, but a lower court rejected his case citing “the right to humor.” Now an appeals court has concurred, but the judge stuck on this caveat: The dolls must carry a notice saying that pricking them harms the President’s dignity. Those French always were a bunch of pricks.
Law and Disorder
Back on this side of the Atlantic, in a place called Montgomery Township, N.J., a scene familiar all across the US played out in real time on a quiet Thanksgiving evening. A bank alarm goes off. Police respond to the alarm. They witness the figure of a man—a possible suspect—visible through the window blinds inside the bank. A standoff ensues. The area was sealed off. Three nearby apartment buildings were evacuated. Bullhorns roared. Telephone calls were made. There was no answer. There was no response. Having failed to establish contact with the perp, the SWAT (Shocked With A Taser) team is summoned. They stealthily make their way to the entrances, crouching and leap-frogging into the ready position. It was a go!
The SWAT team storms the bank, semi-automatics at the ready. Quickly and skillfully they encircle the perpetrator and…this is where it turns from an episode of The Shield into Car 54 Where Are You. What they had captured was…here it comes…a cardboard cutout! Yes, my friends, twas a cutout of a dude hawking IRAs. Maybe some of those cops should think about getting an IRA or two, cause retirement must be looking pretty good right about now. Watch for further news in Bank Robbing for Cardboard Dummies!
Rosie O’Donnell and Her Thanksgiving Turkey
Bank robberies weren’t the only thing that happened during Thanksgiving. There was truly something to be thankful for. Yes, friends, you’re thinking, “You, Mr. Curmudgeon? You’re thankful?” Yes, even old Curmudgy can feel deeply and even get a tear or two, time to time. Especially in a movie where they kill the dog. My good news is that the new Rosie variety show crashed and burned. Bombed big time. (Hmmm. Voodoo dolls…Rosie…that gives me an idea.) Natch, I didn’t see the show cause I wanted to keep my dinner down, but the reviews concurred that the show stunk up the place. That puts a big smile on my mug. Let’s hope this pushes “The Thing” into forced retirement with an IRA from a cardboard guy in N.J. It’s not that I don’t like Rosie, gosh, I’m sure she’s got her good points, but…it’s just…you know…she’s the Devil’s spawn.
A Whole ‘Nother Ballgame
Rosie is the opposite of sex, which reminds me… it seems the football game between the Minnesota Gophers and the Iowa Hawkeyes got a little boring with the Hawkeyes well on their way to a 55-0 trouncing. A couple of Iowa fans, not to be denied their randy recreation, decided to play ‘hide the bratwurst” in a handicapped stall in the bathroom. The couple—a 38 year-old woman and a 26 year-old man—went at it like a couple of gophers and drew a crowd of drunk, cheering fans. But when anybody is ever having any fun, it’s gonna get penalized by the man and the long..er…arm of the law. The university police—tipped off by a security guard—interrupted the couple and cited them for indecent conduct, off-sides, and backfields in motion. I’m sure these enterprising citizens felt pretty embarrassed, but they hadn’t felt nothin’ yet: The man was released into the custody of his girlfriend and the woman into the custody of her husband. Lucy, you got some splainin’ to do!
Which brings us back to voodoo dolls. I don’t know if they work or not, but I sure would like to give one a try.
Well, the clock has ticked into the wee hours of December and the first snow of the holiday season has begun to fall and blanket the ground, like a harbinger of good will towards men and holiday festivities. We’ve shared poking a doll, poking fun, a pig-in-a-poke, and poking for pleasure. Mmmm. Good times. Old Curmudgy has a tear in his eye…cause he’s gonna have to get up early and shovel snow.
The Crusty Curmudgeon