Here in the animal-loving offices of The Curmudgeon, we have a great respect for other creatures. One notable exception is the common tree squirrel. Oh sure, they’re cute and fuzzy as they prance across your lawn and into the tree, to the branch, to the electric line, to the roof of your house, and then chewing their mischievous way through the eaves and into your attic and…hey! See? That’s the problem with squirrels. They’re just destructive, disgusting rodents. Rats with fur.
I have had some epic battles with squirrels, but nothing like that experienced by a couple in Cleveland. They were trapped in their house by a squirrel. A particularly mean squirrel. He was one bad motherfu (shut your mouth) jus’ talkin’ bout squirrel. This squirrel – we’ll call him “Killer” - was running full blast and hurling himself at the garage door, apparently intent on gaining entry. Every time the couple tried to escape the house, Killer came charging at them, crashing into the door as they closed it just in time.
Killer was clearly nuts, so the police were summoned to free the couple. No word on how this was accomplished. If they summoned an animal control specialist to capture the squirrel humanely and release it in the local park, then why are they keeping it secret? Perhaps Killer, upon being released, turned and attacked the handler, biting him on about the neck and face infecting him with rabies. No, I think not. My theory is that the police shot the squirrel, and then planted their “drop gun” at the scene to make it appear as though Killer were about to fire at them. That is why it is secret, because if PETA got a hold of that story they’d be all over it like mange on a squirrel.
That would certainly be the fastest, most economical way to deal with the problem, and it’s a good deed too.
The world can always do with one less squirrel.