Here in the Curmudgeon Offices, things are going swimmingly. There are also many fish eaters on the staff. I know this because in the company pub the fish and chips, fish sandwiches, fried catfish, and calamari are very popular items. Occasionally, sushi carryout also makes it’s way into the building during the lunch hour. In short, we are no strangers to the pleasures of a piscine palate.
At times it has seemed as if there is no seafood we will not eat. But now we know there is. Goldfish. Pet goldfish. Not so for a Pasadena, Texas woman, at least not when she’s really pissed off at her former common-law husband.
Back when their love bloomed like a rose on a vine, the couple had purchased the goldfish together. Seven of them. They named them with silly names like Moby, Charlie Tuna, Carrot Top, and Roman Polanski. But roses die on the vine, and so too did their love. The man had also given her jewelry. She liked the jewelry, as women do. She coveted the jewelry. “Good riddance to you, Buster,” she said, “but I’m keeping baubles.” He thought otherwise and took the jewelry back. This made her angry. Very angry.
Would You Like Tartar Sauce With That?
So she absconded with the goldfish. The husband called the cops (he really liked those goldfish!) When the police arrived at her apartment, they found four fried goldfish on a plate and three that had already been eaten. Yep, she fried ‘em up and was eating them. No information on how big the goldfish were, like were they the little bowl goldfish or those big things that swim in the little pond out back, but they were goldfish just the same.
No charges were filed. Apparently, it is still perfectly legal to eat goldfish, as it was years ago when bar contests were commonly held to see who could swallow the most live fishies. Not to be a wimp, but if I swallowed one there would be a tsunami in my belly. Good thing they didn’t get a gerbil.
Moral? Hell hath no fury like a woman de-jeweled.
Remember “The Three Little Fishies?”