Here in the offices of The Curmudgeon, we are usually hungry but not ravenous. I’m fond of homemade breads, biscuits, buns (I’m very fond of buns,) and other baked bounty of the earth and often make them myself. That’s right, Crusty cooks. Is there anything like a warm dinner roll just out of the oven, slathered with butter and served with the evening’s meal? I think not, but I wouldn’t stab anybody over one, no matter how good they were.
Not so for Ava Marie Gordon of Melvindale, Michigan. As reported by Doug Guthrie of The Detroit News, her father had a leftover dinner roll and he was saving it (Gawd, these Michigan folks really like their rolls.) Apparently, his daughter has a history of eating his food. Enough so that he felt compelled to leave a note telling her to not – under any circumstances - eat his roll. It was not reported what the note said. Presumably, it said something like, “Listen, you roll-thieving pig, keep your filthy paws off my dinner roll! Love, Daddy.”
Ava Marie Gordon, roll connoisseur extraordinaire and gourmand, saw the note and promptly ate the roll anyway. Presumably, her train of thought went something like this: “Don’t you tell me not to eat your damn roll. That’s my roll now. You old fart. Watch this. Now what you gonna do about it.” Obviously, the father was none too pleased with the outcome of the struggle over the roll, now being referred to in the press as Rollgate. An argument ensued.
The argument was as heated as a 500 degree oven, to say the least. The daughter produced a gun and fired it at her father but missed. She picked up a knife instead. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending on whose side you’re on, she was a much better aim with a knife than she was a gun. The knife hit the bullseye. The father is dead. She could get life in prison.
Not since Jean Valjean in Victor Hugo’s Les Miserable has there been so much fuss over a hunk of bread. Bread has been around at least since 4000 BC, one of the earliest foods known to man, and has long been associated with health, well-being, and comfort.
And now it can get you killed.Photo Credit: Dinner Rolls, advencamp, flickr,